Experiences of leaving?

[Galnextdoor]

Hi all,
I’m currently in a relationship that I have decided I need to leave. The trouble is I’m not sure how best to do this? I understand there will be some fallout inevitably, but I can still plan (I think) with damage control in mind.

The basics of myself currently is that the relationship is still reasonably new although we do have a history in terms of knowing each other. We share the same acquaintances but not friendship circles (I hope that makes sense). (detail removed by moderator). Although our experiences aren’t exactly the same, I have already experienced some emotional abuse and attempts at control/sexual coercion.

All of my items that he has are replaceable and I do have CCTV installed. I am waiting to add further to this for security reasons.

Based on this information, what would be your advice? Also, if I may ask, what fallout should I be prepared for if there were to be any?

Thank you in advance ladies x*x

[HunkyDory]

Hi Galnextdoor well done for getting to this point – seems to be the right move given what you’ve shared above. You sound very organized and ready 👍.

If you share a house (or even if you don’t!), the main thing is to leave safely, it’s the most dangerous time when we are leaving an abusive relationship. Have someone with you if necessary, and try and take some off your stuff! Maybe speaking to women’s aid will help you plan.

Go no contact immediately. Change your number if you can, block him on all social media. If you think he might be violent, make the police aware. Any shared responsibilities arrange through a third party if possible. I can’t stress how important it is if you really want to end the relationship, this really is the best way.

I was lucky he went to another country and can’t come back. I’ve been no contact for a while and feel so much better. But I was on the floor for a few weeks and still on medication to help keep me stable. Every experience is different.

It’s not going to be easy. Prepare to feel sad, shock, euphoria, the whole range of emotions. But you’ll get through it. Baby steps and all that 😘 You sound like a strong lady you can do it.

Keep posting here for advice and we’ll help you as much as we can. Stay safe and good luck! Xx

[KIP.]

Ring 101 and ask to speak to a domestic abuse officer. Google Claire’s Law. You can ask the police if this man has any previous for domestic abuse or violence. It might give you an idea what you’re up against and also make the police aware. They won’t give you the information if you’re no longer in the relationship so if you want to know, do it before you officially end it x

[Wibbles]

I’ve only very recently left. He hasn’t responded how I imagined so my advice would be to try to prepare for different scenarios and confide in a family member or friend who can support you. I’ve had some really good advice from Women’s Aid and the Police so consider calling them to help you formulate an escape plan.
Good luck and keep posting for support. X

[SunshineRainflower]

I was lucky enough not to live with my ex. My experience of leaving was me having this sudden realisation that I wasn’t safe after he had spent several hours pretty much shouting at me about some strange minor thing. He got increasingly scary and gleeful looking, his eyes just looked black to me and what he was angry about made no sense to me. It was then I realised there was something not right about him.

I’d been scared going round that night but dismissed it as it didn’t make sense at the time, it suddenly all made sense. It sounds a bit crazy but I felt in that moment that I had a sort of guardian angel who directed me in what to do, she said ‘go now, you need to go now’ and I knew I had to calmly collect my items upstairs whilst pretending everything was normal. I acted casual and just said I was tired so I was going home but I’d ring him later on. I knew I needed to fool him into not letting him know I’d figured him out so that he’d let me out of his place.

I felt such relief going home but also terrified. I went no contact, got help from women’s aid and eventually the police.

Look up the Power and Control wheel, the Cycle of abuse, ring the helpline for advice, ring your local domestic abuse team and also the police on 101. Once free write down a list of all of the abusive things he did to read back when you have doubts. Block his number and social media and email and seek out all the support you can including posting on here. Then read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, do the Freedom Programme and watch youtube videos about moving on from domestic abuse, they were a lifeline for me and kept me on track. I still watch them now a few years on as the effects of gaslighting last a long time and we need to keep supporting ourselves to move past the nightmare of being in an abusive relationship.

[ultimatelyStrong]

I’ve had a smear campaign to deal with since I left. Started literally the second he realised I’d had enough. And it’s done me a favour to be honest. Helped to separate true friends from the flaky ones.

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