Experiences of Non-Molestation & Occupation Order

[iliketea]

Hi, I’ve been referred to a IDVA by the GP and she categorised the situation as high risk in August, I haven’t seen her since start of December because she’s really busy and keeps on having emergencies. I’m definitely ending the relationship and I have decided I should try and stay in the home for a short time to keep stability for the children and give me time to get a job. We have a (detail removed by moderator) year old and a (detail removed by moderator) year old. I’m not on the deeds of the house, and the mortgage is in his name, but he has signed a declaration of trust which shows the big financial contribution (all my savings) I have made to buying the house last year. The IDVA keeps on putting off discussing it and says we should wait until we see the solicitor. Thing is I feel like I’m living in limbo and I’m the sort of person who needs to know the details of what will happen – I don’t want to free-fall out of one nightmare into another.

My question – can anyone tell me their experiences of non-molestation orders and occupation orders. What happens? Does it happen quickly and do I have to go to court and face him with it?
How does it work if it’s successful? How do they take their stuff? Do you change the locks? How is child contact organised? What’s the time frame for everything? How long does it take to organise child maintenance?
What happens if you’re unsuccessful? He’s got a horrendous temper. I doubt I’d be safe.

I suppose I’m just reaching out, trying to understand people’s experiences. I don’t have any other options as I have no family, no money, or friends who’d take me and two children in, and no job at the moment, I’m studying part time and looking after kids but I’m applying for jobs now. And taking refresher driving lessons, he’s always refused to put me on the car insurance, so I’m secretly doing them to give me freedom when I can afford a car of my own.

And did any of you wait, a little bit, to get things in order? Get things sorted? I know when I see the IDVA she will want to make this happen quickly, and I know in a way she’s right, for safety and for the children’s mental health as well as mine but I’d like to wait a bit to get my strength up, a month so I can get some energy back to face it all. I’m currently on my knees from Christmas which was a nightmare, and he’s just kept it up through January. I’ve started trying to eat properly, do regular exercise and get sleep. Is that crazy to want to wait and do it when I decide to, when I feel a bit stronger again?

Sorry bit of a ramble. Weekends are horrible, he’s getting worse and worse and I think I am going to have to make this happen a lot sooner than I thought. He keeps on telling me I’m “bad”, the rant this evening has been “You’ve got problems” “your out of control behaviour” “You’re a messed up individual” “you’re behaving like a 10 year old”…I only checked with him as it looked like he’d given the (detail removed by moderator) year old the (detail removed by moderator) year olds calpol by accident…
Thanks for your replies. x

[fizzylem]

Call the helpline ILT, lots of questions here and there is no straight forward answers, there is information you need to gather, to then decide what is right and best for you, before deciding the way forward for each of the issues you have raised.

As a rule, safety always has to come first yeah, but many women work away at an exit route for some time before leaving. One thing to be mindful of is that it often gets worse around the time you leave or afterwards – as they up their game / can see they are losing their grip on the control; so if you think things are bad now, bare in mind that it could escalate just before and after he goes.

Has he got somewhere to go? Sometimes the Judge is reluctant to grant an occupation order if it means making him homeless – so you need to get some advice here – I would call DV Assist and Rights for Women with your Qs about the orders.

CMA is not a problem, you can call and they will do all the work for you regarding child support, you can call and talk it through once he leaves, then decide the right option for your situation, if you tell them it ended due to domestic abuse they waiver the application fee.

Your children are still young, means if he wants to he can make life difficult through them; if he’s controlling now this wont change will it when he goes. Might be an idea to use the Cafcass parental agreement service, to try and keep it out of family court first, once there is an arrangements order both parties need to stick with the set times; which some women welcome, so he cant mess the arrangments about, however, for me and others, I did not want this as I feared for my childs safety when in his care, while you are primary carer, you have the final say on their care and what happens, so if you feel uncomforatble about anything you can act; but if there’s an order – they have to go, unless you can prove they are being abused, meaning ohter professionals support this. If I were you I would do some reading around his rights, the childs and your own this month – will help xx

[fizzylem]

Of course the added bonus to getting an arrangements order is you can get safeguards in place; guess you need to work out what type of contact you feel is best here, it may be supervised only, or you may feel contact is ok but you need to be out of the picture, meaning you want to get third party comms and change overs only. Guess this is why family court is a good idea down the line sometimes, gives you a chance to see and work out what type of contact is best for the children, as you will see this once its been running wont you; sometimes a Cafcass PA is official enough to make him toe the line and stick with what has been agreed, and if not, then you can show you tried in court and where he trampled the boundaries – if he agrees to go that is, he might not.

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