18th November 2023 at 2:09 pm #163296IcecreamsundaeParticipant
So the ex and I have been divorced for a while and have child contact sorted out. It’s all been going ok and the worst has been subtle undermining with the kids and increasing comments that negate and minimise the abuse from the past. I largely ignore this.
Recently I was notified of a dv incident with his new partner and involving the police. It’s all been retracted and there’s now no further action, which I’m told is because (detail removed by moderator). If I had ever reported to the police, they would have treated this differently.
Ex is now expecting me to totally forget this but I can’t let it go – the details are too similar to what I experienced, the alternative explanation makes no sense and his messages to me include more and more of the gaslighting and whitewashing of the abuse from the past.
I know the statistics on peoples ability to change aren’t great and had just been hoping that knowing he’s being watched now would keep him in check so I’m disappointed to think that’s not been enough.
So now I feel stuck. I can’t in good conscience ignore this and send my kids over there and I don’t have the money to go back to family court, and frankly drained having gone through the process already. And I’m frustrated that the family and criminal systems aren’t linked up enough to see there is this pattern.
An officer I spoke with in trying to find out information asked me a little of my history and said I should report my abuse any way – there’s no time limit for ABH and I have photos as evidence as well as witnesses. It would mean there’s a record to link for this and any future reports. But that feels like a lot, to open up a huge painful part of my past, potentially have my life looked into by more strangers and also to really annoy the ex and possibly push him over the edge to trying to destroy my life.
Has anyone reported to the police later on? Does it end up out of your hands and did you regret it?
18th November 2023 at 7:03 pm #163311swanlakeParticipant
I’ve been clumsily encouraged recently to chat to the police. Y domestic violence workers who seemed quite angry on my behalf.
The abuse started when I was really young though I’m not sure that grooming applies to those aged (detail removed by moderator). Certainly there has been lots of coercive control, which I now understand is a crime.
I haven’t reported to the police but I did open up about it in counselling, which was hard but safer for me than going it alone I think.
There are two laws like Claire’s Law and one whose name I’ve forgotten, that allow people to look at someone’s police records if they feel that there is a risk.
I wouldn’t like to send my loved ones to visit a person who had committed a serious offence against another person. It doesn’t seem fair that you’d have to go to court again. There are new laws now that recognise children as victims of domestic abuse in their own right. I’m not sure if victim support or your local domestic violence service can help.
18th November 2023 at 7:30 pm #163314maddogParticipant
There isn’t a time limit on reporting abuse. It took me decades to finally report a rape. I know he raped and sexually assaulted other women.
It sounds as though the situation is eating you up. That’s not good for you.
The police won’t tell you what to do. They can advise you about what they can do. They are here to protect us and will go through your concerns about retaliation. The safety of you and your children is paramount and nobody should live in fear.Your locaL force may have a Domestic Abuse team attached to 101. They’re not the police but will know about local support services.
You probably have a county ISVA or IDVA service. It’s worth looking up. They’re there to support women involved in a police investigation and can help you in other ways as well. You can contact them before you’ve reported to police and they can support and advise you. It’s very difficult getting in touch with the officer in charge of an investigation as police work weird hours, so the ISVA/IDVA can act as your mouthpiece.
It’s so important to get emotional support through this. The first time I reported to police was terrifying. The not knowing, the fear of retaliation and the general confusion. I reported because I knew I wasn’t the only one and because I was triggered. I’m glad that appalling behaviour is now on public record and in many ways a huge weight has been lifted, not least being believed.
Victim Support can also advise you, and of course, Women’s Aid. Women’s Aid were the first organisation to help me, so I’m working backwards.
19th November 2023 at 7:25 am #163339IcecreamsundaeParticipant
Thank you both, I looked into Clare’s law but have been told by 3 separate people within the police that it doesn’t apply to ex partners, even in the scope of safeguarding joint children.
I think I will reach out to some support services to understand the process first.
26th November 2023 at 7:38 pm #163566StrongLifeParticipant
Myself I thought there was time limits. Maybe where I am. I have said something in court as was not believed due to no evidence- that is whole other story.
Court is draining and costly. It is time consuming and puts massive pressure and triggering to do it for not much from my point of view.
I have not reported. I believe there is time limits.
26th November 2023 at 8:10 pm #163575maddogParticipant
With Domestic Abuse and Sexual Offences there are no time limits for reporting to Police. The criminal courts are very different to the civil courts.
Most things won’t reach the criminal courts. It doesn’t mean it’s not worth reporting. Nobody should live in fear and the police can help.
The Civil/Family courts are completely different and it depends on your budget.
Whatever the situation, it’s really worth reaching out. Nobody knows what triggers someone to report to police and in cases of domestic abuse and all it entails, can take many years. Also, perpetrators won’t change. They’ll carry on abusing and raping and all the things they do until either they’re stopped or they’re dead. We’re probably not the first person the perpetrator has abused, and we certainly won’t be the last. We may be the only person to report the abuse, and only if the evidence is overwhelming will it go to court. I’ll pm you if you don’t mind.
2nd December 2023 at 9:42 pm #163741Hopingforabetter2023Participant
I initially reported to police in (detail removed by Moderator) of this yr.
I later retracted due to being coerced by him.
He didn’t change and ended up reporting again in (detail removed by Moderator).
I reported all types of abuse. Some things aren’t limited by time eg rape but others are.
I feel totally let down by police as warned them about his new victim and they did nothing and took so long to question him.
She was abused by him and it could have been stopped if they acted.
He destroyed her in only (detail removed by Moderator).
I doubt it will get to court but I will try so there is a record on file to try and protect others.
I applied under Clare’s law as ex partner and they disclosed. We share a baby together so maybe this was part of the reason they allowed the disclosure. If you apply they will ask you why and if you reported any abuse and if you want to.
I don’t know why but I feel guilty going to the police. God knows why. He won’t change. (detail removed by Moderator).
Only you know what’s right for you.
But police process is long and stressful. And I’m not sure it’s worth it but I don’t want another woman to go through what I have if I can help it
2nd December 2023 at 9:46 pm #163742Hopingforabetter2023Participant
also it may protect our joint child from him
I would ideally like him to have no contact with our son. I currently have a non mol. But this won’t last forever and social services will look at things like previous abuse and criminal past
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