Experiment

[EbonyRaven]

I wrote this whilst sitting on the sofa, and my abuser sitting in a chair in the same room. I had noticed that when I wrote anything, whether it be an email to my daughter, a personal statement for a job application, or a story or poem, he would always get really wound up. A lot of the time he would start to tell me stories he’d told me before, or try to tell me something about the game he was playing that he knew wouldn’t make sense to me as I don’t play it. That sort of thing.

Otherwise he’d start accusing me of writing to all the imaginary ‘boyfriends’ he said I had. Getting really nasty about it.

When I write poetry or stories I don’t want anyone to see them until I am happy that they are finished. He hated that so much and I didn’t write for the longest time whilst we were together.

I had just begun to be aware of his behaviour, and to wake up to what he was doing. So I sat down and worked on a poem, to see his reactions. To test whether I was imagining this behaviour or not. I wasn’t. My writing of this drove him mad. He did everything he could to distract me or put me off, and tried many times to sit next to me to see it, or lean over to look, using the most pathetic excuses.

————————————————————-
Experiment

If I were to write, in the room, the words that come, the notes that flow,
Would you wonder? Would you peer over my shoulder?
Question and probe the action and deed of me?
Is your ego such that it sparks and flames
Destructive fires of self doubt?
Are you thinking what words could they be, but against me?
What letters form but those that wound?
For they will be to another, about a thing that is not me.

If I were to write, in the room, the joys of white topped waves
Would you scratch and itch to see?
How offended might you be at my secrecy?
Is my need to keep the words within
Until without, until realised in their
Third, fourth, tenth incarnation,
A personal slur?
An intolerable burden of disquietude.
Would you glance sharply at my flying fingers on keys,
The scribbling lead
The scraping ink?
Attributing.
Writing my words in your mind
With mockery and malice that are not there?

If I were to write, in the room, the words that come, the geometrical parade
Would you strive to distract?
Seek to draw me away?
To eclipse the flux and flow
Because you are not centre stage?
Would you tell me stories of no substance
To anchor yourself from the drift of thought
To snare and snag me
Would you have me verify and vouch for your existence?

If I were to write, in the room, the words that come, the veiled stealth of me
Would you be in dread that I am detached?
Would you struggle and fight against your will
Because you too, can not climb that exact same hill?
Would you seek to entangle your Self
To enmesh within the complex cobweb I weave.
Attempt to fill the fallow spaces where I create?
Would you feel adrift and ignored
Festering in your fear.
So that you must reach and seize me
So that I must recognise your singularity.
Would you fear that the absence of my focus
Will dissolve you?

If i were to stow in the room, the words that come, the unfinished draft of them
Unseen
Would you search for them?
Would you dig and delve with jealous ferocity?
Would you put yourself at the centre of them
Gift yourself entitlement, a kingship over them?
If i were to stow in the room, the words that come, the untamed tempest of them
Would you wish to enslave them too?

[diymum@1]

i actually think this is soo well written EB ! you have a talent 🙂 the experiment to show his paranoia! i love this xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Goodness I am completely speechless at the beauty of your writing skills.
Have you ever thought of publishing your material?
You are so gifted at expressing yourself, there is deep incredible beauty in your writing, a tender poetic tone, the world has to see and read your beautiful thoughts.
You could publish books and write lyrics for singers, send it to Lucy May Walker’s producers (patent your work first!!) as she is raising awareness for Women’s Aid through her music.

Please keep your material safe and back it up ok. I’ve been reading in the book ‘Why does he do that’ of one abuser destroying the work of an entire week of his partner.

Thank you for allowing us to read it, it was an absolute honor and delight 😌💕📚
Keep writing you Beautiful Poet

[HopeLifeJoy]

Just re read it, made me laugh,
“Would you fear that the absence of my focus
Will dissolve you?”
So true!
I loved every single word of your entire masterpiece.

P.S. Not *patent* but copyright your work darling

[Lostmonkey]

That poem is so good. It flows so well and is so evocative. Please keep writing and keep safe. x

[HunkyDory]

Beautiful. You are very talented Ebony Raven. I’m not a poet but a friend of mine is and she wrote me a poem just after i split with my husband. i can’t write it in full here because she is thinking of publishing. it ended “be quiet, the noise of you disturbs me” it’s so captures my feelings as do your words. Thank you xx

[EbonyRaven]

Thank you so much. I’ve never published, not sure I could stand the rejection letters haha. I’ll look into that singer though, it’ll be interesting to see how she promotes WA.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Yes under Latest News on the WA’s website you can find the article written about Lucy May Walker.
Her song is titled “Without Him” and came out last week.
The video of her song can be found on Youtube, I found it spot on illustrating the beginnings of an emotionally abusive relationship.

Since she is raising awareness about Domestic Abuse for WA, she might be genuinely interested in your work.
Imagine the next song out by
Singer Lucy May Walker
Songwriter Survivor Ebony Raven
How about that?
She’s on Twitter to get in touch with.

Rejection is part of the journey, I read once on here to take it as follow “rejection for your protection”. 😉

[Author]

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