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Hi, I haven’t used this forum in years I used to use it a lot and it helped me get through and understand very dark times when I was in an abusive relationship, the reason I’m back is because my daughter who was from the abuse is at an age where she is asking why she doesn’t have a dad. She will never meet him, he has no interest in her and is not a good man, I have lost all contact with him years ago. I have always told her she doesn’t have a dad and all families are different, I feel like a coward for lying she doesn’t have a dad her whole life but it was always the easiest thing to do but soon she will learn at school that everybody has a biological father and I don’t know how to explain why her father isn’t in her life and never will be without hurting her, so I wondered if anyone else’s has had a similar experience or has advice how to approach the subject with her, thank you so much for reading or any advice
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im in a si ilar boat my daughter wont see her dad again she knows why (because he is abusive) and she made the choice not to have him in her life by herself with the age appropriate information from me. it does depend on how old she is. i do think it is always best to be honest – you could sit her down and explain that families now adays come in all shapes and forms. you needed to make sure the family unit you have around her is safe because you love her so much. it might be important to say that you felt that you had to make a decision along with other higher people that him not being around her was for her to have a better life. you can always build on things as she gets older and asks you questions. i definitely wouldnt hide the truth from her but maybe obviously not tell her too much. its a very fine line. i doubt i will ever tell my own daughter the full extent of what her dad did to me xx much love diymum
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Thank you so much for your reply, I’m sorry and sad your in the same situation, but it’s a comfort to know you can relate, thanks I think what you said about making sure she knows she is loved and safe is the most important thing to do and being honest in a age appropriate way, when they are teenagers or young adults will be so much easier to be more open and honest, but I agree I will never tell her the full extent of what he did either. But primary school age is so difficult i don’t want her to feel unloved or unwanted by him, but there’s a difference between a biological father and a daddy. Thanks again, your advice has helped a lot x
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ive just finished a book called when dad hurts mum by lundy bancroft and also his second why does he do that book its the encouragement one its written in chunks and it talks alot about bring children up in a dv situation plus after xx i found it really helpful as i did know how to appraoh this either. my daughter is primary age too – knowledge is power they say and i look at it as an opportunity to educate them too. when shes older im going to teach her what red flags to look out for and not to be scared to set boundaries when her gut feeling tells her somethings wrong xx safety and love is all they need – sounds like a song! im really glad i could help a little love diymum x
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Thanks will look into that book, and I agree I hope our experiences can help us save our daughters from going through the same. My situation is complicated because I was groomed, abused and raped by an abusive and violent man (who at the time I believed was my boyfriend) and his friends, her biological father was one of the friends, so it’s not a story i ever want her to know about because even if their fathers are bad, our children are so precious and innocent x
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yeh she dosent need to know that yet i guess you can gage it – one of my friends was born from her father raping her mum. her mother told her in her late thirties because she blamed herself her dad abused her as a kid. take each day as it comes unfortunately because of our circumstances we can shelter them from everything but i think we need to pepare them for the big wide world. they know they have us always to come to for advice. im so sorry youve experienced so much bad stuff you sound like a great mum xx 🙂 much love diymum x
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Hi Blaa, children will always assume it is their fault, they will find someway to feel and think this, so its always a good idea to be mindful of this and say directly, ‘it is not your fault’ a number of times when it comes up/at the appropriate times. You dont want her questioning what is wrong me, or thinking I was not wanted by him – so if you are mindful of this you can counter act this with what you say and the messages you give her while she’s growing up, e.g. you are a much loved family member. As long as her needs are met by you and others she will be fine, better than fine.
When they are young she also doesnt need to know she has come anything bad on her father’s side, young children tend to see things as good and bad, black and white, until they have developed a wider vocab, but most importantly, she hasnt developed enough ego strength to deal with that yet – so whatever you tell her try to keep it simple with a positive slant and no blame. If she thinks she came from bad she will think she is bad – so try to avoid that.
As parents we often feel ill equipped and that we need to know all the answers, its perfectly ok to say to our children sometimes, ‘I dont know; I’m unsure’.
This is a process and she will gather the bits of info she needs along the way. DA is complex for adults to understand. Try to focus on the behaviour if you have to talk about him and the whys and not him the person, use general terms, e.g. sometimes people do this; they get this as kids in school get punished for unacceptable behaviour, they learn there are consequences to our behaviour.
I bought my child some books that focused on my mum is also my dad, my mum is great, we’re all different, families are made up of all kinds of wonderful etc, just had a look to see if I could see the title for the my mum is also my dad but couldn’t find it, there are similar out there though. These books gave us an opportunity to think and talk and in safe, gentle and yet poingant way.
Prep her for the fathers day cards and whatever else they do in school for this – talk about who she could send hers to, who she would like to send one to, might be you or grandad? Or soemone else entirely.
Guess it’s really about her feeling proud of her family, and feeling part of it, thus having family members to talk about in school, ientify with, join in with converstaions, she doesnt have to have a dad but can relate to the things the others say about their dads with you and other family members hey. Its about giving her the langage she needs, so say to her things like sarahs dad takes her swimming, you have your mum to take you, she needs to get it clear in her mind that she has someone whoever that is so she knows what to say.
My son is an adult now, he showed an interest for a short time in finding his biolgical dad, they spoke on the phone once when he was about 15, he met the grand parents once as they lived close by, I answered his questions and that was it – he wasnt interested in them after that, guess he settled his curiosity.
He said to me ‘you cant miss what you never had hey mum’. He’s right of course. He always felt loved and cherished and he loves his family and that’s what counts. I’m very proud of him, he’s grown into a grounded, thoughtful, caring young man and his family (especially mum) are very important to him.
It might not always feel like it at times, but you are both very lucky indeed that there is no contact at all, it makes it much better for the child and on mum. I’ve got two, the eldest never met his dad like yours, but my youngest we still have to deal with him and it has been / is utterly dreadful for her and me at times – she has anger and self esteem issues.
You can take care of her and make all the right choices for her without any trouble from him; so it’s maybe about always focusing on and appreciating what you have – which will set her up for life x
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One last thought, her dad really isnt important to her, he is only important for very short moments in time, like now when she’s noticed she hasnt got one, all she needs is to know what to say with her friends and in school and feel happy with this and that is it – until she’s older – as she grows make sure she knows that if she has any questions she can always come to you and anyone else you trust like grandad to talk about it – you’re aiming to normalise it, open the discussion and leave it open; help her feel ok about it x
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Thank you for your kind and supportive words diymum and thank you fizzylem for your reply you have given me so much good advice and things to think about, and also relieved me of some of the worry and anxiety of this after hearing how your children have adapted to well to not having a dad around too. I’m so glad I came to this forum to get advice on this, you have both helped so much so thank you x
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Hi blaa, just want to let you know that you are doing so well. There’s no guidebook to parenting only learning from our mistakes. Each generation takes from parenting the bits they liked and leaves the bits they didn’t. Unfortunately abusers don’t, so if we don’t leave, our children may go on to repeat the cycle. It has to stop somewhere, I’d rather I stopped it. I wish I realised this decades ago, my children might not have turned out the way they have but I can only go forward or I’ll spend anither lifetime trying to make up for his behaviour of me and my children. It’s not my guilt of shame, just his. You’ll get there, once you start to feel more self confident and without him being around undermining you and whatever else he put on you.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
your totally welcome 🙂 i know how this feels to deal with – kids are very resilient, they really are. with the right guidance and nurturing we can get them where they need to be a lot easier than it is with an abusive man in the picture. i have two sides to the coin one daughter has been completely poisoned but i have a good chance with my youngest. we have our moments but at the moment and this is something ive learned from this forum. always consider peoples feelings, try to think critically. so im aiming for the opposite of an entitled girl/woman. ive asked he to bring her rubbish through from her room, to keep it tidy, to give it a wee hoover and then she will get pocket money. you earn your way in life – its about working hard for what you have and the world owes you nothing. treat people with kindness and reach out BUT dont be taken advantage of these are the guidlines that make them able to approach the world and take it in their stride. hopefully! love diymum
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