Explosion and Retaliation

[Headspinning]

What a bad and horrible day.

I’ve been going round in circles for weeks now since a recent separation. I’ve gotten to the end of my ability to cope – have hadMr Angry, Mr Heartbroken, Mr “pretend everything is normal and maybe she will forget all the baggage”, Mr Spiteful, Mr Victim – often a combination of the above all on the one day.

I’ve found out things from his past I wasn’t aware of via Clare’s Law which concern me. I’ve discovered he made changes to a car policy that unknowingly put me at risk when driving.

I’ve reviewed my finances and realise he has been earning so little I have been subsidising his lifestyle for years – whilst he plays lord of the manner.

I can identify a dozen times in the last year he has ruined a special event for me by creating a drama.

My kids have felt intimidated.

I wrote it all down in a book to get my head straight.

I wanted to just get closure and a final way forward. I agreed to speak with family present for my own safety. I wanted to be clear that I felt at risk and at times intimidated and I wanted him to give me a complete break for (detail removed by moderator), go get anger management treatment, go become financially stable then we can speak – with no guarantee I will want to recommence.

Disaster. Didn’t get past point one when mr defensive appeared. He denied and minimised his past. He then blamed me for the split over a recent time I had lost the plot (I did and I’m not proud of it). Went in about this one time over and over.

He then brought up really private things from my past that I had told him in the early days in confidence. I shared these things in the early days as I did not want a relationship built on a lie Things I am very ashamed of that I would not have wanted my family to have known about. He brought up really private intimate moments the two of us had shared – again something that should have remained private between the 2 individuals in the relationship.

I know he will in his head justify it because I was bringing up his past – but I was doing it from a loin if showing there is a consistent pattern where his temper has caused relationships to breakdown and women have felt unsafe. He exposed my deepest secrets in front of my family in retaliation just to hurt me.

He also revealed he had been in a relationship when he met me. This is huge because for our full time together he had made me feel guilty that I made him go against his beliefs by being with me as I was married to someone else at the time. It turns out whilst he was not married he was also in an active relationship.

I am broken and devestated. My family have said that they are not going to remember what he said and to put it out of mr mind.

His mask is off and I am worried about what else he is capable of. I’ve started blocking him on my phone. I messaged him to say that I was sorry for any part I had played in what had to be one of the most horrible showdowns of my life, but it’s just getting too vindictive now with all trust broken so I would be ceasing all contact and not entering into any further dialogue. Only contact me via another number for vital or emergency reasons.

I’ve changed my locks so feel a bit safer and he is out of the house.

I have a second property he has access to and I’m worried he is going to go there and basically destroy it. He probably thinks he had certain rights to it but he doesnt, and may seek revenge.

I don’t want to have to press charges for how he has treated me as all I have is a list of arguments where he had ruined my day. He can twist things to make it all sound like my fault.

Will the police help in the short term? Could I ask them to have a word to let them know they are aware of the situation and advise him to stay away from the properties and me? How long does it take to get a restraining order if it comes to that and what damage could be done between now and then?

I’ll contact a solicitor today as I know it’s just going to get worse.

I’m scared, I’m emotionally broken, I just want to protect myself, my kids, my properties from further retaliation whilst I get the legal separation underway.

I want to feel safe. I didn’t want this ending. I’m heartbroken that all the good memories of a shared life together will be tarnished with all this

[KIP.]

Sounds just like what happened to me. The stuff they use to hurt us is incredible. They go straight for the jugular. No thought or consideration or remorse. Way over the top just like his last reaction on his Facebook. It has been a horrible experience but one you can learn from. I’d get the locks changed on the other property and make sure he knows via a solicitor that he’s not allowed there and the police will be informed if he breaks in or does any damage. Get the solicitor to put this in writing and that he is not allowed to contact you directly or you will report him to the police and seek a restraining order. That all communication is to be done via solicitor. You want to close all doors to you. And also have evidence for when you have to involve the police. And I’d involve them now for my own safety. Let them know what’s happened. Nobody wants this kind of ending but sadly it’s the only kind they know.

[Headspinning]

Thanks Kip

What sort of evidence should I be gathering? I have all my texts but they tend to be the aftermath of a big argument when he is just deflecting. The nasty stuff tends to be when he is ranting at me in a room.

Where there are witnesses it will either by my kids or elderly relatives, neither of which I’d want to drag to court as witnesses.

I just want to cut him out now – but I’m between a rock and a hard place – if I don’t involve the law I may not be able to justify taking away access to the properties.

[KIP.]

I’d make a full statement to the police and see what they can do. It’s much easier and cheaper if they deal with him. For a civil order it might be enough the he has previous convictions and you can get the family member who witnessed his outburst to back you up in a statement. They would only go to court if he contested the civil order and that will cost him money. If you can tell him not to contact you again by text. Then wait for him to contact you, but don’t reply as that’s then an argument. So then you show the police the text that says do not contact me again. And his subsequent texts where he clearly is harassing you with contact, that’s something they can work with. These men can’t help themselves and when you tell them not to do something, they will do the opposite.

[Headspinning]

So should I unblock him but then just ignore? I’m thinking if I have him blocked I don’t have ability to gather evidence.

[KIP.]

I know it’s painful to read his c**p but If you want the police to deal with him that’s what I’d do. If it’s too painful can you get someone else to read them? The most important thing is you tell him absolutely not to contact you again. You can always add that you will contact the police and report it as harassment if he does. Because he will contact you. Can you unblock him and change tour number for everyone else so you’re not jumping out your skin every time your everyday phone rings?

[Headspinning]

Who knows – maybe this time it will really be finished and he has gone.
He clearly dumped someone for me, no doubt much to her surprise, (and mine all these years later as he always told me he was single) he is clearly capable of finishing it and walking away (as long as he believes he is the one finishing it)
Time will tell.
I’ve unblocked and nothing has come through I just need to be really resilient not to respond if it does.

[KIP.]

Do not believe a word he says. They say the kind of things they know will haunt us. He wants to stay in your head rent free. Don’t let him. They talk the biggest a pile of 💩. Step back from the crazy.

[KIP.]

tell yourself that if you respond then he wins. The biggest hurt for these men is to be ignored. It sends them mad so sit back and enjoy your no contact. It’s your way of saying he isnt even worth a text. Two fingers up to him. It might be worth getting another phone for everyone else as your anxiety will go off the scale waiting on contact. At least you can leave the contact phone in a drawer x

[KIP.]

Just know that if you let him he will take everything from you including the shirt off your back, he has no empathy or conscience. The more destroyed you are the better he feels. I found out all sorts of lies. I was with him for decades and I didn’t know him at all. Big shock to the system x

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