Extreme fear

[Anonymous]

I have had the most awful evening, feel absolutely terrified of what happened. I am away from him but suffering dreadful flashbacks tonight of his verbal rages. Whilst with him some major things happened that were absolutely terrifying, life threatening things too, I needed emotional support but all he did was scold me for being terrified, the same towards my now adult son. When I say major, I do mean major things too. Things that the strongest of people would struggle to cope with. Also deaths of loved ones, even then he told me off for crying! Throughout many major traumas his abuse actually worsened, his ridiculous rules at home, his watching my every move more, monitoring everything. Told I was weak and pathetic & over sensitive! Anyway tonight I suddenly started remembering my time with our abuser and all the dreadful things that happened alongside his abuse. I have got to the point that after having to fight for survival to keep myself & my son safe for so so many years I am so very weak, totally traumatised by everything & if I am honest have no faith in anyone anymore. I know we’ve just been really unlucky & have come across some vile people who most would be terrified of, that’s without living with a serious abuser too. I am fighting this so hard, but struggling. Just his abuse nearly finished me, but the other traumas were terrifying too. I am still waiting counselling which could take months. Am booked in for a confidence course. I really don’t mean to be ungrateful but still feel however confident I am that still won’t ever take away the fear of him, others who I wouldn’t even know harming us, because that was always his threat. Or the vile people who caused our life threatening traumas too. I feel like I want to lock the door and never go out again, that there is the only way we’ll be safe! I just want to lose this fear, but don’t think I ever will. Sorry ladies I just keep slipping, four steps forward and three steps back again, maybe four. Feels like I’m in quick sand again. I wish I could go to bed tonight, wake up in the morning and the years long nightmare will be over. I fully understand the cycle of abuse, I just want this never ending horror to my being to be over once and for all, but so scared he has emotionally destroyed me. Xx

[Serenity]

Hi Blueberry,

My DV worker wouldn’t book me on to a Freedom Course until a few months down the line and until I’d had some DV counselling, because she said it was too soon.

She was right: I don’t think I would have been ready. The Freedom course was amazing, and I know I did it at the right time, it even then there were times it was difficult. I’m
glad I waited a few months. What helped get me to a stronger place in those early months was the counselling. I was on a waiting list too, but my local DV outreach signposted me to a donation-only counsellor who also put me in a waiting list, but when I phoned up and said I was desperate for help, they fast-tracked me and I got counselling within a few days.

Don’t think you need to run before you can walk.

Also, a support group is so
helpful- sharing, not feeling alone with it, seeing the patterns of abuse and learning to recognise it wasn’t your fault. Just being with those who ‘get you.’

You sound like you’re in the throes of extreme anxiety. Does your GP know about how bad things are? Apparently, Eye Movement Therapy (EMDR) can help you to process trauma and to move past recurring flashbacks. Some GPS can refer you to this. There was a lady on this forum who suffered repeated flashbacks which would not lift, and EMDR really helped. X

I don’t know what counsellor you’ve approached, but wondered if your local Women’s Aid could direct you to emergency counselling?

[Anonymous]

Hi I keep trying to find councillors who specialise in domestic abuse but haven’t had any luck yet in finding one. Yes I do suffer severe anxiety, I was of nervous disposition when met him, the abuse was over many years plus major trauma too, now am certain cptsd/ptsd so a real mix up of problems too. I trusted my old GP but then through her misunderstanding of many things I changed GP who I have not met yet, to be honest they are GENERAL practitioners and I’ve found lot of other professionals have misread very badly making the whole situation now a lot worse for both me & my adult son. They do not know the entire story as have been told countless times they do not have the time and old GP implied I took up too much of her time! I felt desperate for help over a year ago. Cut backs are really bad, wellbeing was no good. I now have a support worker who is good, she feels I did the freedom project too soon too. Even in this new confidence course we will be covering ground relating back to the abuse, the perpetrator, she runs the group & has said that that’s the one thing she is concerned about that it could either really help me or start to make me go backwards again, but that she will keep a close eye on me. It’s a small group & I won’t know anyone there. I feel I understand probably too much about abusers as had childhood abuse too, so have as mad as it sounds seem all different abuses & how they work too! That was just it with who I escaped from, he was like them all wrapped up into one, he covered all aspects of abuse and re traumatised every single previous trauma
Xxb

[Author]

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