Extreme self doubt

[Sunflower4Y]

Hi everyone,

Does anyone else have moments of not being able to figure out what was your ex and what was you? I constantly feel like I’ve misunderstood our whole situation.

My ex turned up at my work saying he was sick and going to die next year, he said he has erectile dysfunction and it only works with me and if I don’t help him he’ll kill himself, he told me I handled leaving him badly and sent me messages explaining that he just wants to talk and that he’s moved on already. He called me and told me that me leaving and blocking him was abusive and has caused him to get unwell because I’ve mentally traumatised him. I haven’t heard from him since the police told him not to contact me or he’ll be arrested.

My problem is that I believe all the things he’s said to me. I believe I put him under mental turmoil and it’s led him to be ill, I believe he has suicidal thoughts sometimes. I had to get the police involved because he wasn’t stopping but I still feel like it was me that’s done everything wrong.

How am I meant to live with this guilt? I want to reach out and apologise to him. Has anyone done this? Can it be done?

Thanks x

[Fishandchips4tea]

I am in the same boat. Why oh why the guilt and doubt? I’m starting to understand the whole cycle but I cannot fully figure out what is real. It’s really horrible as neither version of reality is nice

[Mellow]

He has gone into victim mode this is what mine did.he’s trying to swade you back in.my ex gave it the oh you hate me talk.he could be right about his feelings but it’s not your fault he’s feeling sorry for himself only .he’s talking about him and not you remember that he’s making it about him

[Mellow]

He is experiencing a hurt ego

[Mellow]

Do not apologise he will use it against you .you have no need to feel guilty.if you called the police he was in the wrong not you.you don’t need to talk to him you will end up back in circles he wants you to talk so his ego no longer hurts and he can brush everything off again

[Hereforhelp]

It reads like you have a strong trauma bond with your ex, him using his health and telling you that you are responsible for his fictional ailments… my ex husband of decades used his health to trap me (and kids)… as I truly was terrified that my ex would attempt suicide (as he kept saying how depressed he was, then came the bizarre lies… someone close to him had suddenly died, which was a lie… then he claimed someone in his family had done X, Y, Z to him when he was a boy (he faked cried when he told me this)… he tried many lies after we initially separated and it took a long time for him to stop).. I rang my local police and told them how worried I was about my ex as he was suicidal, the police went to see him for a welfare check..turned out he wasn’t at all suicidal.

You are not responsible for him in any shape or form… ever

That inner turmoil you feel now, the worry for him and his welfare is so real as you are a decent, loving, caring human being… you wouldn’t be on this site if you were abusive.

To leave is incredibly strong of you, it is so painful when you leave any relationship, with an abusive partner it is sooo much harder as they refuse to let go and use various tactics…

Be kind to yourself, you have been through so much already, please don’t apologise to him, he will see that as a win and use your apology as a way in…

Please do not apologise to your ex… he isn’t suffering…. if he was and truly loved/missed you he would respect your wishes and not harrass you.

HFH
❤️

[Sunflower4Y]

Thanks so much for all your replies. It really helps.

I think it’s just so hard because despite it all, I just miss him so much- I feel like I can only remember the good things and that I was a fool to let someone go. I also feel completely unlovable and that I was stupid to leave someone who “loved” me. There’s a side to my brain that tells me all the things that were wrong, but I just can’t believe them.

Why is this so hard 🙁

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