Eye of the storm

[searchingforhope]

Hey I’ve not been on for a while. Been trying to handle things as best I can. But I need support here again, from people who get this. My DV social worker is on holidays, I will ring the centre today to speak to someone else, but she knows my story properly.
So I’ve found another place to stay, I’ve agreed to sign a lease. The rent is good and location is good. Dreading telling him. I’ve already told him (detail removed by Moderator) that I’m looking for somewhere. So now he has been begging for me to try again that he loves me and he will do his best to make us a happy couple. It’s all emotional abuse and coercive control, with one physical abuse episode where I did not give consent as I was asleep, when I woke I went along with it, despite the fact that I didn’t want to. But according to him that was his fault. He thinks its all bad communication and all marriages go through this and we can fix it.
Every part of me is telling me now that I don’t want to be with him, but I’m still struggling so much. I’m dreading telling him. I’m almost dreading telling the kids that I will be taking them from their home. He isn’t living here with months but has threatened me a few times lately that he is moving back in. He shows up whenever suits him, so at least if I have my own place he can’t do that.

But I need to take the next step now again. Which is so difficult Kids going back to school, some moving to new school and I feel I need to settle them first. But I don’t know how much time I can buy to do that.

He has threatened fighting me with everything he has for his kids. But I’m their primary carer I’ve done everything for them always and most especially keep them stable since he left and they are doing well.

How do keep going now? How do I find the strength again? He still makes me doubt myself and my feelings so much, despite the support that I have behind me. It’s pure hell!

I know there are people with worse situations than me too, so that makes me doubt my situation then also.
It’s just c**p.

[nbumblebee]

Morning I wanted to reach out with some love sweetie.
Firstly dont compare yourself to others whats going on in your life hurts you and you are as much entitled to help support love understanding than anyone else. Everyones situation is different doesnt mean it hurts less.
You are incredable and i know you dont wanna hear that but you are this is a huge step and you should be so proud of yourself for taking it. If i was to write what you had you would answer me with read your old posts remember (as if we could forget) the bad days those days when he made you feel like life wasnt worth carrying on, how much he hurt you. Then think, think about how its gonna feel when you have that house of your own. Him not able to just turn up, no eggshells to walk on, no bad feeling in the tummy, no being scared. Thats gotta feel good right?
He will push and push your buttons he needs you more than you ever need him so of course he wont let you go he will fight and fight just like he did when you were together what you need to do is remember how far you have come how couragous you have been and still are how you are doing this for your kids for you so you can be all that you deserve to be. Stand tall and strong dig deep the strength is there youve shown that block his voice out and just listen to your own you have got this you have. Sending you love hugs and support xxxx

[Hereforhelp]

Searchingforhope, reading your post reminded me of those feelings, that place where you know you do not want him but the conditioning and coercion chips away…. you are doing the right thing for your children, I wishes I ad left mine sooner when my children were little but I didn’t have the strength or belief back then, now they are teens they tell me that they remember certain things, bad things, from their dad and how I puy myself in the way or took both kids out of the situation (to return later or the next day) as he kept up with the ‘ypu are breaking our family up’ ‘it doesn’t habe to be that way, I love you and kids are my life blah blah… it was all said to keep himself in control.
Keep pushing Forwards, you new home.us yours.and your children’s new sage place, once you are in you can put ypur own boundaries in. Children adapt, they might ask you questions (I don’t know how old your children are).
I am off to the food bank now, I didn’t want to read and run ❤

[Wants To Help]

Thank goodness for food banks. They saved me too and now I’m in recovery and a better place I can donate back to them. To this day, I will still make myself a meal from a tin of cheap chopped tomatoes and a packet of cous cous with a tin of sweetcorn thrown in.

[searchingforhope]

how do you overcome that? Telling you they love you and will do anything for you. That they are willing to try anything to make it work.
My mind is fit to explode really. Everything else in my life I am happy and grateful for except him. My gut has to be right, yet still I doubt myself. It’s rotten.

[Bananaboat]

You stop listening to the words and watch the actions. Boy do we want to believe the words, they know that that’s why they say them but they rarely deliver on those words. Keeping a journal helped, I could see when he was nice, what he’d said he’d do, and the reality much clearer x

[searchingforhope]

So true and so helpful. Using every resource and support I have at the moment to try figure this mess out. I think I 99% know the answer but that 1% doubt is always so much stronger. It’s bananas
Thanks x

[Confusedgirl]

This is me to. I want out, i have so many chances to leave, houses offered to me, yet he has worn me down so much i have ended up staying.
All my body says to leave, to go, but taking that step is so so hard.
I am currently looking for accommodation for me and my sons, however finding it so hard to rent anywhere as i am a (detail removed by Moderator) and have no income technically. Hoping a council or housing association house comes up for me.

I know its hard, but please take this opportunity to get out, be brave, be strong, and it will all be worth it.. i am right behind you hopefully, to a better life xx

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much. In tears reading your replies, I needed that so much. Gona try call the DV centre now to see is someone available to talk. God its so hard. Like two different personalities, he puts me down with digs and cutting remarks and then tell me he loves me and can’t I see he is falling apart without me.

I’ll post again later. At work now, so need to keep things afloat here too. But I just wanted to say thank you so so much x*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi ladies,

I stayed for longer than I should have too, I gave the relationship too many chances once our son was born, I stayed out of FEAR, not FEAR of violence, but FEAR of what he told me he would do.

(detail removed by Moderator)

My FEAR was False Evidence Appearing Real. I believed his lies, until in the end things got to the stage that I had to take the risk he was right but hope he was wrong. I had to put my faith for a better life in me and not in him.

What we don’t realise ladies is that these men are telling us what they are going to do, so actually, we are already a step ahead. We can prepare ourselves for this and know we are in for a long, hard, road ahead to recovery. The fact that I knew my ex wanted me to kill myself was one of the reasons I didn’t! Trust me, I thought about it – as I’m sure many of us have, but knowing that if I did end my misery this way he would have been delighted and got sole custody of our son was the main thing I held on to to make sure I didn’t.

Don’t believe that what they are saying is the truth. A lot of it is scare tactics to keep us trapped and controlled – and it works. We need to separate fact from fiction and do our own research. I am proof there is a way out and that recovery is possible, many of us ladies on here are proof of that. Believe in us, not your abuser.

xx

[nbumblebee]

Wow what a replie.
Phew i needed to hear this today it has taken my breath away.
Mine wants me to be weak and stupid so i give up work so i am home all day where he can keep me. I am allowing that to happen by starving myself by being unkind to myself what I need to do is get strong right? Be the opposite of what he wants?
I had never thought of it this way. Wow. Thank you Thank you x

[Wants To Help]

Sadly, the context of my reply has now been removed so it no longer holds the weight I intended. It’s a shame the reality of what we face and go through gets removed and we are unable to express ourselves as we wish so that we can help others.

[nbumblebee]

It didnt need to be moderated it was beautifully put and Im sure if ithers saw it they would feel the same. You my friend have held me together today dont ever forget how powerful your words and story is.
Thank you xxxx

[Wants To Help]

Thank you lovely, that is very much appreciated x

[searchingforhope]

I so wish I’d seen your full post, yet your post was still quite useful and beneficial to me. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. I wish at times I could sit down with you all and discuss things properly with proper detail. But even though we can’t do that, it is still so helpful to be on here.
I know i need to stay strong, it’s so difficult though.
I’ve agreed for lease to be drawn up for the house. But i’m still not fully convinced, purely because I’m afraid of the fallout. But I really can’t see my life being any better or happier with him.

[Wants To Help]

Sometimes the way to beat a bully is to stand up to them. I know that’s not always the case in DA as some men are extremely violent, but I was fortunate that I didn’t fear my ex physically to the point he would kill or seriously injure me. That’s not to say that he could have, but I didn’t fear it.

I saw a video on FB the other day about how a young lad of 14 responded to bullying at school. He posted a photo of himself then and a video of himself now doing a work out aged 22. He had a physique and strength any man would be proud of. I doubt those bullies would pick on him now. Bullies are evil, weak people with poor self esteem. They feel better by reducing other people to a wreck. Good people build people up and encourage them and help them flourish and grow. Bullies don’t like confident people because they know they can’t compete in that league.

[Sunshinedrops]

I’m so glad I’ve read your post I’ve been trying to come to terms is my partner abusive or am I going crazy,so I’ve joined this forum! what you have explained, is mirror reality of what my partner says to me!or did but as it’s not physical, I find it really hard to know is it emotional abuse or am I awful one!
I think I’m beginning to see things differently!
Everyone fights, we are a team I love you, I wouldn’t know how I cope without you, I do everything for this family, I give you my all, what are you talking about, you’re crazy, I never said that, I said sorry why are you still going on about that, clam down, forget it
These are the statements I hear all the time ( head turned) x

[searchingforhope]

It’s crazy isn’t it, that despite us doing everything we can, we are reduced to self-doubting and feeling wrong all the time. It’s not fair and its exhausting. Mind constantly racing and doing overtime, trying to figure this mess out. It’s just utterly draining. Like you said, reading other peoples posts is like reading about my life and it’s a comfort in that I think, I’m not going mad, its not right. Yet I will always see it more clearly for everyone else than for my own situation. Isn’t that just mad like!
Take care

[searchingforhope]

I’ve so overwhelmed by all your support and comments, I appreciate you all taking the time so so much. xx

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