Huge Holiday Freak Out

[Tiredone]

I was supposed to go on holiday with my friend tomorrow and I have been freaking out about it since we booked. I kept thinking that I could go and enjoy myself and not panic. I used to travel by myself all the time before I met my ex. I also went on holidays with my friends and didn’t bat an eyelid. Now the thought of being on holiday with someone is terrifying me.

I have just been hysterical for the last 3 hours, I cancelled on my friend and I feel awful because I’m letting him down. I don’t feel safe and I can’t explain why. Maybe you ladies will understand. I keep having flashbacks of my last holiday. It ended up with my ex beating me up and throwing me out of the hotel room at 3am. I had no one to call and nowhere to go. I know I won’t be in the same situation but I’m scared of being stranded again

I’m also scared of not having my own space. We’re sharing a room and a bed and I won’t have time or space to myself. I can’t do it.

I keep organising things and then cancelling at the last minute. I can’t do things that I used to do which makes me angry at him, frustrated by people who don’t get it and sad for myself.

Have any of you backed out of big plans or am I being dramatic?

[KIP.]

Hey there. It took me over two years to travel on a train on my own without panicking. Have you had councelling? It sounds like PTSD. Triggering memories and flashbacks. I couldn’t go to crowded places like shopping centres. Noisy cafes freaked me out. Lots and lots of triggers. Going out the door was a struggle for a couple years. It takes time to recover from abuse. No wonder you are apprehensive about going away when the last time you went was so horrendous. Please please don’t be so hard on yourself. It will take a long time and patience with yourself to return to the way you were. Take baby steps and don’t over reach yourself. Recovery is a long slow process, but you will get there in the end x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Tiredone, I had a similar freakout to you last year just before a holiday and had to cancel. It worked out ok in the end though as I rescheduled for later on in the summer as the place where I was staying were really understanding about it. Is there a way you could postpone the holiday?

I think it’s totally normal and fine to have freak out about things especially post abuse with PTSD. Maybe you are being too hard on yourself and pushing yourself too much too soon? It’s so hard to find the balance. I cancelled meeting a man today because I couldn’t work out if he meant it as a date or for friendship and the thought of being with a man 1-1 was too much even just friendship, I am so hypersensitive and suspicious of them. I feel guilty but I’m practising putting myself first these days because it’s better to feel safe and comfortable than do things that terrify us.

I think the quotation ‘those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind’ is great for situations like this. In the end, your health is what matters and if you have to cancel a few plans then so be it, they are just bumps in the road of your recovery 🙂 The only thing I’d say is don’t go the other extreme where you stop going out at all which is what I have done before, you just want to find that healthy balance between being sociable and feeling safe.

[Serenity]

It sounds like a pretty intense plan- sharing a bed, with him all the time.

When you’re suffering after abuse and have anxiety, that kind of thing is so difficult. I know that even now I need my space to calm down when situations have triggered me. Crowds, noise, bustle- they are all terribly hard for someone in your situation.

Recovery will take time. Though it’s good to brace a few things, we can expect too much of ourselves.

I wondered if you planned the holiday details, or whether you might have felt pressurised into anything- such as sharing a bed?

I think we need to be our own best advocate. Do things daily to protect ourselves and care for ourselves. Put our own mental and emotional health first.

Not everyone will understand PTSD, but that doesn’t mean we need to live life others’ way.

[Tiredone]

I was going to counselling (which he paid for) but stopped because I couldn’t afford it. I’m on the waiting list but don’t have much hope of seeing anyone anytime soon. I was getting help from a DV charity but they have made me feel worse. After the assessment I realised how bad things really were and now I have been left to deal with everything myself. They dropped a load of bombs (rape, harassment, stalking, gas lighting…) and left me to it. They’re now closing my case because I chickened out about going to the police.

Back to the holiday….
Most friends and family are annoyed with me, think I’m being silly or don’t understand why I can’t go. Luckily my holiday friend is being very understanding. I still feel awful though. He is been so patience and encouraging throughout this whole mess. He’s been getting me to go out with him and his boyfriend, meet new people and do new things but the holiday is several steps too far. He was clear that we don’t need to spend every second together but I know I need space and I would only get that by being outside and I don’t want to go outside. I just want to stay at home and watch Netflix and feel safe.

A couple of you mentioned PTSD. I’ve looked it up a couple of times and I didn’t want to admit that I have it. I’ve been reading up about it this evening and lots of things are making sense now. It’s funny because my ex has PTSD and I couldn’t understand what he was going through but now I totally get it and I hate him for breaking me.

I don’t feel like I’m the same person. I can’t handle stress, I panic ALL THE TIME, I’m on high alert all the time, I’m either completely overwhelmed or I feel numb. Everything is a trigger and I don’t know when it will hit me next. I can hear him say, “only you could get hysterical over a lovely holiday. You ruin everything.”

I can’t keep on like this. It’s draining. I want to livmeandering enjoy me new found freedom but when I try I have huge anxiety attacks and take 3 steps backwards.

[Author]

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