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New here and needing helpHi to everyone and hello to the new people who are around. It’s such a long story but cut short he persuaded me to go back to him, he called he texted he showed up at my work sent me a valentines card and ultimately bared his soul for me to give him an other chance. At that time I was doing so so well, therapy, happy business doing great, no panic no fear and what did I do !! I let him back in this was the beginning of (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) ago he dumped me because I had to do a last minute (detail removed by Moderator). Running up to this he was disappearing on a (detail removed by Moderator), phone died, no reception every excuse. He called me every name under the sun, told me I was a useless mother, due to my son deciding he wants to stay with his dad, this too has left me broken and short of going to court to try and get him back he is happy at his dad’s and is doing a lot better at school, he went off the rails I think due to the stress I caused at home with this abusive relashonship. He saw me often in bits, broken and couldn’t walk at one time due to all the stress, so my decision on that is to let him have his time with his dad and he gets to spend time with me too, it’s not what I want and it’s left a huge void in my heart but for now it’s best for him. My abuser didn’t like my decision on how I was handling this !! Then came round and then wanted us to move to (detail removed by Moderator) !! And (detail removed by Moderator) later he walked again !!! I found out through a friend he has been seeing a girl he seen before for weeks . This has broken me yet again I am shattered by this news and the fact that yet again he lied to me through his teeth, when he was accusing me of lying I told him everything which actually was nothing, 2 guys asked me out I refused and that was it. He lied through his teeth straight to my face and heart. I am just shattered by it all and to know he is with someone else and has been all along. I know
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Dear Faith, I am so sorry to hear this. I split up from a lying covert mentally abusive man some months ago now. He made me have severe mental health trouble due to his lying, mind games, manipulation and plain gas lighting. There is a long thread on gas lighting on here. I did not trust my ex AT ALL. He was too secretive, charming, a ladies man it was all so obvious. I am pretty sure he was either seeing someone whilst we were together, maybe all the way through or in the moments after we split up. Its extrememly hurtful and upsetting. Today I got a twinge of pain & sadness thinking back at his lies and these harems of women which always seem to be around. I comfort myself with the fact that I have removed him from my life by ending it and I never have to suffer such excruciating doubt, insecurity, jealousy and mistrust again. Life can actually be great once you get away from these pitiful excuses for men. I love my life now, I mainly feel calm, positive and relaxed, I never have doubt or insecurity now. Its how it should be. Please get rid of him quickly you can then start the work of repairing your broken heart.
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Hi there healthy and thank you from r your responds. I have been to hell and back, continplated jumping out a moving car at one point because my head was so messed up with his lies, demands and abuse. He abused his wife who now is sadly passed away. She ended up with MS due to the stress and abuse. His ex partner before me she has had so many breakdowns with his constant lies and his manipulation, I feel sorry for her she will never be free due to having a child to him thank the lord I do not. It takes so long for our brain to recover. I am sorry for what you have been through too it’s criminal that they get away with this. I have reported him to the police and even looked at Claire’s law but I didn’t go through with it. Well done for getting you back and thank you again x
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Thinking of you, Faith.
Don’t beat yourself up about how you became a mess. Abuse does that to us. See what happened to his ex wife.
Use the time when you are without your son to focus on your own recovery. Meanwhile, I am sure your ex will expose himself for who he is at some point with your son.
My advice is to keep to no contact with your ex. Any contact is poisonous and sets us back. Keep firm boundaries.
Get support from attending a Freedom course, or do it on-line; get some counselling ( DV services often offer affordable counselling ) and attend a group telkingvto women who have been through the same. This will help you see that what you suffered was predictable abuse: it wasn’t your fault.
I felt very ashamed of my kids seeing me a mess, but as my counsellor said, they will see you making the transition to strength and be proud of you, and it’s good for kids to learn that people suffer sometimes and that can role model for them how to rise up from it.
The no contact will help you get your power back and will be a statement to your son that you were treated wrongly by his father, and that you are worth more.There’s no need to even bad mouth your ex or to talk to your son about him. The universe will deal with your ex, and your son will come to see the light sooner or later.
Your son needs to see you strong. With him, act like a calm swan, even if you are paddling like crazy under the surface. Your ex will like to hear from your son his you are in a mess: it will give him a sense of power, so don’t let him or your son know you feel vulnerable. Model strength to your son, even if you need to fake it until you make it. This will also guard against your ex trying to use your son to abuse you, especially if you go no contact.
Be loving but firm with your son. Teach him your moral values, and believe in your importance as a mother, even if your ex is trying to make out your role isn’t important. It is. Mothers are the bedrock of a child’s life.
Keep on posting here for support. You’re not alone x
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Thank you both for your replies.
I am just back from a 5 day break with my daughter and he text me on the morning of my departure, I was shaking. We were sitting in the departure lounge and through it came. You see I worried before I left that I should have text him, I didn’t due to a lot of things but mainly as I said he has moved on ! He text read he plucked the courage up and did the right thing for a change to tell me to take care, didn’t say he loved me but he couldn’t live with himself if anything happened to me and he hadn’t text me !!!! It’s 7 weeks tom since I have heard from him. I stupidly text back to say thank you !! He has been texting back and forward and I am in a mess again, my nerves are shattered. The content is general really but he is so glad he was brace enough to get intouch. Pleas help sort my head out, it’s so hard as I love this man and I miss the good times we did have. Thank you xx
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Dear Faith, it sounds like there are a lot of mind games going on. I had this to some extent, I was left with him acting courteous and civil when his day to day personality was that of dismissive and secretive. I think this was a deliberate tactic to leave doubt in my mind. The mind games, unclear communication, withholding of information, lies, push and pull…………. It all equals an unhealthy impossible relationship. What helped me at the time we were breaking up, those few days and afterwards was to continually ask myself if what he & I had was conducive towards a healthy, decent partnership. Did we have the basic ingredients to get along long term. I asked myself the basic but essential questions, ‘can we talk, is he honest, do I feel happy, do I feel frightened, do i trust him’. Still now when I have twinges I think back to the answers that I had to those questions. I very briefly thought of getting back together after we split up, the thought lasted about 2 minutes. I realized that the quality of my life being with him was far reduced, reduced in fact to the gutter compared to the quality of my life without him or anybody toxic. I am happier now though being involved with these men and the aftereffects take some time to work through. X*X
I also say to myself ‘If someone wants me they would do anything to make it right’. He hasn’t so there is my answer. Painful at times but we have to face the pain to move forward.
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Hi healthy. Thank you again for your responds. All my old fears are back 10 fold. I am super sensitive and have been in tears several times today, just messed up again and it’s painful. He is being super mater of fact and that’s a further slap in the face. I havnt slept since yesterday am due to time change and flight time. I can’t figure out why he texted I’d it pure self gratification and at that I am furious, is it caring for me ?, it as you say pure mind games. Part of me wants to text and say how I feel ? Part of me just wants to block him, he actually gave me the plumbers no to call which I did and strange the plumber said are you still friends with M !! Strange question ? Xx how long have you been out of your relashonship?
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What I had was so confusing, even i dont really know what happened. I finished with him now about(detail removed by moderator) ago, on the back of this he finished with me. This was after telling me that i was his soulmate & he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me the week before. I also told him that I loved him within that month, i believed I did and that I was sincere when I said it. My view when we split up we had reached a point in our relationship where we were really comfortable with each other, relaxed and acting as ourselves, like normal healthy couples do. I’m not sure he could cope with that as he had the ideas and values of a man in the 1950s, the man rules and the women stays at home etc. What was on offer for us was an equal relationship, i have my own house, i am independent & have a good job.I dont think he could function in a healthy adult relationship. Before this there were a number of problems between us. He told me lies, withheld information, there was always massive trust issues and he always had a suspicious harem of women hanging around. I could go on and on about him but suffice to say it would have been quite a job being with him long term due to his old fashioned views towards women. He was very controlling. I remember when I was with him that my thinking was so confused and fuzzy, like yours is now. This is all caused by hot and cold, on & off, texting and then silence, making cryptic messages then backtracking. Its all such crazy making. I no longer have such crazy mind games which is great.
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