Something stupid

[Hope123]

Why am I so surprised at how hard this is?

It’s not like an addition. It is an addiction! I feel like I hit rock bottom months ago, went through the hell of detox, did all the healthy work around keeping off my drug of choice (toxic relationship) only to fall off the wagon after months of calm, healthy single life.

I’ve actively gone out and sought contact. Like an alcoholic getting clean and reaching for that drink again. Thinking, just this one contact and I’ll feel better.

Now I’m just full of regret and shame. I feel terrible – really bad that I’ve raised his hopes and expectations of a reconciliation and I’m a terrible person.

I’m ‘know’ I’m not a terrible person – I’m just messed up. But I feel like I am.

I had a flying monkey trigger last week and I think this is the result.

I’m just posting for some b****y accountability. I’ve done a stupid thing.

[Anonymous]

Excellent, you’re owning up to the fact you know you went back.

Well done, you’re getting clean like the addicts that we are. It’s not stupid, it’s brave and honest and true.

So what did you learn from your foray into your past life?

[Hope123]

I haven’t seen him. But I want to. I need to get a strategy in place for when I want to. I thought I had. But this was just too overwhelming. I have a 12 hour strategy. So if I want to contact him I can. But only if I still want to in 12 hours. So if I’m feeling like I want to contact him 10pm I tell myself if I still want to at 10am I can. But I never do because the craving has gone.

This time I did. So I need a new strategy.

[Hawthorn]

Nothing to be ashamed of. Recovery is a journey and it’s normal to trip and fall over on the way. Pick yourself up, tend to your cuts and scratches and keep moving forward.

It’s ok to make mistakes, living with abuse makes us believe we will always be punished for every tiny mis-step because let’s be honest, we were regularly punished for nothing! But that’s not your life anymore. Try to take some alone time and tell yourself you forgive yourself for contacting him, then move on. It sounds corny but I’ve found it really healing.

We were blamed and attacked for long enough, it’s so important to practice self-compassion. Try to speak to yourself using the same language you use if a beloved friend told you something that was distressing them. This is still really challenging for me but it does get easier. You got out of an abusive relationship remember; you can do anything xx

[Hope123]

Thank you xx

[Hawthorn]

A strategy that helped me;
I had a list of all the horrible things he had done to me and read it over and over when I wanted to contact him. Write a list if you dont have one, you will be amazed at how long it is once you start.
I blocked him on my phone, social media, everywhere and cut contact with any mutual friends/ his family who could act as flying monkeys.
I read forums like this one and watched youtube videos like Dr Ramani and Ross Rosenberg that validated the abuse and reminded me why I had left.
Hope that helps x

[Author]

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