False hope

[Starmoon]

False hope…
I had a strange email that I didn’t recognize, it had a file I needed to open to access the text.
Turned out to be work related but for a moment I thought it was off him. And I didn’t hesitate to open the email… all these thoughts going threw my head. Pathetic hope that he suddenly cared and was sorry. I’ve been to hell and back this week and still want to pick up non existent scraps from him.
Why do I still feel like I need him to be sorry or need him to love me

[lover of no contact]

Starmoon,

That’s totally normal behaviour. Its great you posted immediately after for support. The most important thing is to reach out for support as much as you need, several times a day if that’s what you need. You have been so much in this last week but you are doing well. You are still No Contact with him. False hopes are totally normal. At least we can recognise its false. Everything about them is false, except their bad bits, that is their true selves.

You are detoxing from him and it is so hard. It takes time and lots of support to get him out of your system. I have been where you have been and there is nothing to be done except do what you’re doing and gather as many supports around you as you can as you try to exorcise him out of your life, your thoughts and your head.

[Starmoon]

Thank you… last year when he was on bail was the longest time I was away from him.. he’d assulted me and for the first time the police took action.. it was the worst assault and I truly hoped that was my moment of clarification. Every other time before that, I had hoped that he would text or call or I ended up calling him and backing down, begging him to come home.. I’d hope he’d come back and say how sorry he was- which he often did. But after the assault, I didn’t want him to come back… and this time I don’t want him to either. But it’s such a messed up reason. I don’t want him to come back because I know that if he did- I’d welcome him with open arms…. but I don’t want to feel that way. I wish I didn’t want him to come back because I hated him… why don’t I hate him?! He’s done horrible things to me. The longer I was away last time- the more I forgot how bad it was and that’s why when he eventually did come back, I took him back again. I really don’t want to live that cycle, but I’m so weak

[Author]

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