Family abuse and rebuilding, what do I do?

[twilightsparkle]

Hi

I am a bit lost. My parents used to abuse me as a child, then when I finally moved out of my house, I moved with a man who also abused me, then when finally I realised that wasn’t normal, I moved out, to end up in another abusive relationship. Once again, after years, I realise he wasn’t going to change either and I became deeply attached to my dad, who, of course, has been taking advantage of the situation and continue using me for his own gains. He always says that I should take responsibility and stop blaming others, the child abuse (mental and physical), I should forget and stop hurting him and stop being cruel to him, my dad also says that the bad relationship are my fault, I should have known better and I didn’t try hard enough, beside he says I am difficult and hard to handle and he felt sorry for them.

I have realised that all the physical problem I have (spread pain, tiredness, weakness, etc) is coming from all this. I finally realised, I can’t just forget and ignore my feelings. I am setting new boundaries with my dad, I just noticed that my childhood abuse lead me to those abuse relationship because I deeply needed to be loved and accepted, I have always worked very hard to earn my family’s love (my dad, my mum and sister), nothing I do, has ever been enough. With the abusive relationships, have been the same, I tried very hard, no matter what I did, how much I sacrificed myself for them, it was never enough.

I am lost, I don’t know what to do. I have repressed my feelings for so long. I always so concentrated on pleasing other, make other people happy. I’m not sure where to start, I just blame myself for not knowing better. I am so confused, angry and in so much pain all the time. I don’t know how to be angry any more.

Any suggestions? Thank you

[gettingtired]

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. Please dont blame yourself. How were you to know any better? None of this is your fault! I’m starting to think the reason I’m in the relationship I’m in is because of never being good enough for my Dad growing up. Well he went from making me feel never good enough to boasting about me and my achievements which used whichever embarrass me. I think it must be partly why I’m in a messed up situation now. Have you tried counselling? x

[Lisa]

Hi Twilightsparkle,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your experience here. You are not alone.
As gettingtired has said, please do not put blame on yourself in all this. What is shameful about wanting to be close and trust your own father? The shame and blame is on him. You have been through bad relationships after leaving home as an adult, and you have found your way out of them (not an easy thing to do). You have accomplished what anyone would hope to in that respect. Be kind to yourself and recognise the strength you obviously have.
The Freedom Program may be a means of support fro you. Check them out here. They also offer online courses which, in these times, may suit you best.
You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200, or visit their website at http://www.supportline.org.uk.
Also, the counselling directory at http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ is a website that lists counsellors that are listed with recognised professional bodies or those who have sent in copies of their qualifications and insurance cover. If you’re in need of support, you can search their website to be connected with a professional counsellor or psychotherapist.
Keep posting here for support as I’m sure you’ll soon learn the other women on this forum can relate. They can offer insight and understanding. You can, as well, offer others the same.
I hope this helps,

Lisa

[Lisa]

Hi Twilightsparkle,

I just want to also make you aware of the NAPAC (The National Association of People Abused in Childhood) service. Check out all that they offer in terms of support here.

Lisa

[twilightsparkle]

You are all very kind. I really appreciate it.

My parents used to say they didn’t have money for anything, however I always felt very lonely and unloved when growing up. I have a daughter and I think, ‘well, kisses and cuddles are free, making me to feel loved and wanted, it’s free too, encouragement and validation, is also free’. I mentioned something to my dad and he said I’m just trying to hurt him and being cruel to him. My dad says the past is the past and I should stop blaming other people. He also said I just have stupid things, I’m just trying to make his life difficult.

Thank you Lisa for the recommendation. I got a counsellor but as I am facing things, things are hard in between sessions. I just want to cry and hide most of the time (I try not to). I will look out for the other resources.

I always blame myself for not knowing better. When I start feeling angry towards them, somehow I always managed to blame myself for not noticing sooner or knowing better. I get very depressed then, because I have suffered abused for years by different people. I’m glad is all over now, but I’m so mentally and physically disabled because of it.

Thank you for all your kind words.

[Author]

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