Family and Friends can’t understand why I miss him

[Littlevoice]

I have very recently left an abusive relationship and am currently staying at my parents for safety and until my ex partner leaves the house we shared. I am completely broken by things ending, I have never cried so much in my life and feel utterly traumatised not just by his abuse but by the break up. My family and friends have been very supportive however they get very angry or frustrated when I get upset because I miss him. I do understand this and I know I would be the same – they have watched me suffer abuse at the hands of this man, have heard the terrible things he did and how he treated me. For them it is very black and white and they cannot understand why I would miss him. But of course like most abusers, he could be loving and kind. I am grieving the person I longed for him to be all the time, grieving the life I still in spite of it all wanted and hoped we could live together. I feel so lonely, I feel like I can’t cry because my parents just get angry at me, my mum in particular will raise her voice which just really triggers me anyway after all the shouting and abuse I had to endure from my ex. I feel like no one understands. I have no one who gets me – except from my ex who obviously I can’t talk to given I’ve now had to give a police statement and take out a non molestation order on him.
I just feel so hopeless.

[Grey Rock]

Hi Little voice.

I experienced the same and had to accept in the end that noone who hasn’t experienced this is really able to understand. I just thank goodness that I have my groups , both here on the forum and my Freedom Program group who I can talk to. I also had a women’s aid key worker at first to help me understand my own feelings, and as someone I could be honest about how I was feeling with. I’d recommend getting enrolled on a Freedom Program course – sometimes there’s a bit of a wait.

Of course, it doesn’t mean your friends and family don’t care about you or want to understand. It’s just very complicated. It’s like we get emotionally hijacked and part if us just takes longer to escape than our bodies. However, if we keep no-contact and work on our recoveries from these relationship our heart and souls do reemerge. It just takes time.

I found a useful article for one very exasterated relative to read and if I can locate it I’ll send it to you by private message (we can’t put links on this bit of the forum).

Sending hugs and prayers 🙏🤗

GR

[Strongenough]

Hi Littlevoice,

You’ve just had a traumatic experience and are now away from everything that is familiar to you, your entitled to feel the way you do, you have been forced to end a relationship in the most horrible way. Only advice I can give is take it slow and work through your feelings, some people say day by day or 1 day at a time. For me it was more hour by hour.

Your family only want to protect you and in my experience unless you have been through it, its very difficult for people to understand. I’m glad to hear you are safe, you are so brave but brave doesn’t mean void of feelings and emotions. Stay strong xx

[Ariadne]

Hi Littlevoice,

It’s exactly how the ladies here have said: it’s very rare for people to understand what you’re going through when you’re coming out of a situation like that. I often feel like I frustrate those around me when I talk about this, and they see me stuck in the same pattern.
And like you, I felt (and sometimes still feel) like my ex was the only one who could understand me, as he had experienced so much with me, and only we knew why and how certain things happened. But that’s also a form of isolation, and it’s not true. You can be understood by others, even if you have to come to this forum.

All the best for you <3

[Littlevoice]

Thank you so much for all of your replies they really helped.

The past few weeks have been so tough and it really is a constant up and down of emotions, missing him, worrying about him whilst still being so scared of him after everything he did. It’s confusing for me so I can only imagine how it must be confusing from an outsider perspective or for one of my family or friends.

[GoldenFish]

Hello Littlevoice,

After your hearbreak will heal you will celebrate your freedom. What you feel right now is not permanent. You will be happy and laugh again. I am happy for you have got out and have family around you. They may not be able to understand your emotions but certaibly do not want the abuse for you. Neither do you. Try a little trick. When you tell yourself “I miss him” or anything else replace the I with your real name. It will help you to psychologically distance and gain a slightly different perspective that is less emotionally involved. Focus on your healing and let go of the pain. It is over now.

[Author]

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