Family Damage – sorry long

[Anonymous]

Guilty, I had no idea when I was going through the worst of it the damage that was being done to family members. You can’t see it everyone looks like they are coping just fine but the reality is its just waiting to appear. I have watched my family crumble since the worst ended. Estranged from children, grandchildren is a new kind of heartache that I would not wish on my worst enemy.
(Detail removed by moderator) has been the mantra that has run through my family since. Even when you explain that just because once upon a time you tolerated that does not mean that you will tolerate everything everyone throws at you in future. There has to be a cut off.
There is so much resentment and hate directed at me now that I often wake and think omg how could I not see this happening. I was too busy trying to survive to even comprehend what it was doing to my family. Even the quieter ones have damag, inability to socialise, lack of trust and a need for things to remain the same.
He did that, I also did that because I was blind to it they appeared fine. Decided not to chase after estranged kids and grandchildren because you cant put right the past and you cant heal that resentment. I dont have a lot to offer them. I am not the person that walked blindly into this, i am not even a third of that person. Plus it never really ended it subsided. They are better off.
I guess i am trying to say dont underestimate what this does to your kids and family in general, the longer it goes on the more damage done. I was warned I didn’t listen and I couldn’t see how bad it had got until the damage was well and truly done.

 

[fizzylem]

Hey QM, sounds like it’s been a tough road for sure. I hear yer, I cant attend to anyone else other than myself and my child really, and I can see we have a lot of work to get done yet, before we have taken what we need from this and put the rest aside, found the growth and resiliance we need. I’m determined to not let this define us, rather it will shape us into better human beings, with many lessons learned.

It won’t eat us, even though it feels like it does a lot, her behaviour can be incredibly challenging sometimes, although it has got better, and I can relate to what you have said, she feels content to be alone alot of the time, and for things to be the same; lock down is suiting her very well, fine, if this is what she needs just now, some emotional calm, no dramas, no more relationship difficulties for now, some space – this she can have hey. I totally understand why she needs this just now after dealing with him and the adult conflict he has repeatedly tried to pull her into over the years. It’s all about trying to inject her with some esteem for me now and giving her what she needs.

Hang in there and focus on your healing now and the children that are with you; we don’t know what the future will bring, but we can get ready for it by making sure we are in the best place possible x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi oh how we’r caen all relate to this. My children are no longer children, well and truly adults but so damaged emotionally I don’t think they’ll ever be anything biut lost,angry and everything else thrown in the mix. I stupidly thought they weren’t affected oh how wrong ive been. I lost over a decade of my children’s lives. They went to live with their own dad. I couldn’t buy Christmas or birthday presents that I wanted to, hell i couldn’t even have them round for Christmas dinner, my parents neither. I slowly lost that necessary family contact, why because it meant I wasn’t giving him 100% of my time. Oh the more I write on here the more I’m remembering, that’s what keeps me from returning, just need to face things and start proceedings when I can.
Love to all
IWMB 💞💞

[marymay]

omg wow im so schaed of this happening to me and my children, I let my partner set the rules even when I don’t agree with them. whenever I think right that’s enough the children seem to love having my partner around so I tell myself they must be ok. I have asked them privately how they feel about my partner and if they were unhappy I would leave but they always say they are fine but don’t like the rules. I suppose as kids you just want to make your mum happy. thanks for posting this its given me food for thought and sending you all my love.

[KIP.]

Abuse becomes normal within families. I didn’t know I was being abused. I thought everything was my fault so I tried harder. There is only one person to blame and that’s the perpetrator who doesn’t seem have a conscience empathy or a care for the damage he’s doing. As soon as I got with women’s aid and understood what was happening I was out of there. I only wish I’d known about women’s aid years earlier. There’s lots of help now so go get it and be free and safe and productive and happy and everything else that people take for granted x

[fizzylem]

NSPCC could help the younger ones x

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all your replies. On the face of it everyone was doing just fine. Take us out of living in survival mode and resentments and cracks began to appear. I wanted to highlight it so that others know no matter how together your kids appear there is damage and at some point it will show.

[Author]

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