Family estrangments following abuse…anyone else expereinced similar?

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
Prompted by a recent ‘family’ anniversary which I can’t name here – as it would be identifiable – I have felt waves of grief and loss over the members of my ‘birth family’ that not only did not support me when I went to refuge, but from whom I have had nothing supportive in x years.

Recently also, during a very stressful time when my child was away – I faced a stream of emails from my last remaining family contact – who accused me of being ‘selfish’ amongst other nasty things. I countered with wondering how I could possibly be ‘selfish’ when I put my child first for x years since leaving (and have made many sacrifices and experienced hardships).

Since joining this forum I have learned that I am not alone in experiencing these things. I am finding it very hard at the moment though to accept that as far as extended family is concerned, I am now completely alone it seems – although since leaving I have learned that it was often complete strangers who were better ‘family’ to me than during this time my birth family ever was.

I have cried buckets over such losses in recent years. I have tried to focus on my child and of course I do the biz and focus on that, building a future. Despite the fact that my own birth family not only have no idea what my experiences were (or are) – blame me for the entirety of the thing, and to top it all have cut off contact with both of us. I am trying to reframe this in my head – having revisited it so many times – whilst I know it is their loss, I wonder how anyone else deals with this sort of thing.

It is clear to me that the shock waves of abuse can cause emotional damage far beyond the two or three people who are directly affected. At this point although things are tough, they are okay, the roof hasn’t fallen in and my child and I are on track.

I will never understand why the grown ups involved can’t get over themselves and move on, when I very clearly have. Wonder if anyone understands that? Is it just that they all need a scape goat so that they don’t have to look at themselves? Any ideas and support very welcome. ftc x

[teatime]

I am so sorry that you have experienced this, sounds very hard. I also see you have risen above and are a wise and good person.
I only know that I experienced further abuse from my mother in law and was pushed out of HIS family. ( she also hit me once in the face with a rolled up newspaper) Alright, she had cancer but she insisted I was to blame. Later on turned out that my FIL told me she had also been abusive and used to hit him… he tried to stay in contact a bit, but it used to make my blood run cold as he looked so much like his son…
On top of that I lost contact with my Sister in law and her children to whom I was Auntie. I loved them very much.
They did come to see me once and seemed to realise.
My own family were horrified and tried to help a bit, but my brother was very bossy to be honest and did not offer me somewhere to stay…My Mum is very very ill and she cried buckets and worried herself ill, I stopped telling her anything that would upset her. I felt so bad that my woes were inflicted on her.
Yes, the ripples extend outward for many many years. I am worried that I will never be free. I even had another abusive partner… my boundaries were so low.
Hope things improve for us, love. We all do care here and I could not have survived without this forum and also the advice here xx

[NewWings]

Please enjoy every moment you have with your child. I lost my boys to my abuser (detail removed by moderator). For years now he has been stalking me even when we were married. There was no way of proving it as he always managed to gain access without any obvious sign of entry. During the winter my security lights flickered on and off until they blew and then my heating starting coming on and going off independently of the timer. These were repaired. As usual my family celebrated Xmas with each other and left me and the boys out. I’m afraid I lost the plot and was hospitalised voluntarily during that time my ex moved back in again even though in the eyes of the law my children are adults. I had to go to court to get back into my own home. He has lived with his gf from almost the moment he left so why move in to gain access to my paperwork for the divorce which he promptly disappeared.
I have had no support from my family they openly back him. My sister even had the nerve to write to my doctor demanding to know what my treatment was. I was so shocked this time that I decided to go no contact. To say that my sister is antagnostic is an understatement she even followed me to an obscure holiday destination as no doubt my ex told her I might disappear with my children. She tried to make out that this was just a coincidence. (Detail removed by moderator) What was I thinking? Now I am on my own rarely seeing my children estranged from my sister and let down by my mother. I am seriously thinking of relocating when my divorce comes through. I feel that my ex has used a sorched earth policy against me and won. He has been in contact via my brother supposedly to ask my advice about our younger son! Why now because I have stuck to my guns and not bothered with my sister (detail removed by moderator). My problem is this he chased most of my friends away to the point that I feel there is nothing left to stay for. I hope someone will give me some insight. I thought naively that after (detail removed by moderator) years out I was safe, my God was I deluded.

[freedomtochoose]

THanks tea time this has helped me today. Likewise so sorry that you went through this.
ftc
x

[Anonymous]

Hi FTC, I’m sorry to read about your unhappy family times. I have been reflecting on this a lot recently and trying to make sense of some devastating family experiences. I just wanted to let you know that you are certainly not alone with this kind of confusion and sadness. Stay strong.

[freedomtochoose]

thanks lih and you

[Ayanna]

Yep, the abuse causes waves way beyond our own territories.
My family initially accused me and blamed me, then eased it down a little bit and now more or less ignore me or treat me as an inferior.
I never had a great relationship with my family anyway.
I distanced myself a lot over the recent years and my contacts to them became increasingly scarce.
I feel better like that, because I do not tolerate being treated disrespectfully by anybody.
I realised that I do not need anyone.
I have always achieved everything by myself.
Before I have bad people around me I rather have no one for a while.
I think new friendships will develop again.
We change and increase our requirements.
There will be people again who fit our requirements and who can become a new and better family.
Family is not about blood, it is about people who care the most.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you for this post Ayanna, it’s so inspiring. It resonates with me very much.

[freedomtochoose]

and me Ayanna and everyone, this is very hopeful.
and very comforting thank you so much
ftc
x

[Cherrydrops]

Hi ftc, I am currently going through this now with my family. They haven’t spoken to me from when he came into my life,he caused a lot of trouble n twisted things to make me sound awful, they just fell out with me, never even asked me anything, and though he’s been gone for a couple of months they still won’t talk to me. It hurts but I was always there for them no matter what, and if I can’t be treated with the same respect I’d rather be hurting without them, than sacrificing my self respect. My mother who is disabled broke her arm n I offered to help, she said no cause she doesn’t won’t to speak to me. So my daughter has to do it all. I think I’m learning family are the ones you choose to let in your life, blood isn’t that important anymore, sad isn’t it.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Freedomtochoose,

I am very sorry to hear about what you have been going through, it sounds extremely painful. I can definitely relate. My family are strange in the way that they appear like this great supportive family, but since I experienced domestic abuse it was like this jigsaw puzzle started to form where I realised my family is not quite what I thought. I’ve realised they’ve been emotionally abusive my whole life and the support they give is basically so that they can have control.

My mother told me not to report my ex when he was stalking me saying that I could get in trouble for wasting police time! At the time my father suggested I try to get back with him, whilst my brother didn’t seem to acknowledge what my ex had done – basically they all sort of subtly invalidated me about it and made me feel wrong and guilty and doubtful. Luckily I listened to my DV support worker instead and reported him. My mother now says she doesn’nt want to hear anymore about him so I’ve effectively been banned from talking about how it has effected me, but she said it in a way that sounded kind – she’s really good at framing cruelties as kindness.

Like you I found strangers during my crisis times to be much more honest, kind and helpful than my own family, who sadly I don’t trust. So you’re not alone. I am very isolated but hoping that with healing I can start to make proper friends in the future who will be more like family in a way.

All of this is extremely painful for any of us to go through but I do think it is better than living life in denial. With this knowledge we can heal and create a calm, peaceful, healthy life full of love rather than continue a life full of drama and pain.

[Author]

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