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A close family member of mine has for some reason been sucked in by my ex’s manipulations. As I expected, they were the person he went running to when I left him, messaging them all sorts for sympathy, threatening suicide and they fell hook, line and sinker! To make matters worse they’ve said they don’t support the way I dealt with things or left him whatsoever and believe I owe him an explanation. To the point where it seems they’re clearly much more concerned for him than me. He’s recently started contacting me again after police involvement and I’ve now found out through someone else that he’s also contacted this family member but they didn’t tell me. I’ve shown them screenshots of nasty messages he’s sent to me in the past to try and make them understand without having to go through everything and they said that’s just what people sometimes say when they’re angry (!) They’ve made comments to another family member before to insinuate that it’s only physical abuse that counts. This family member clearly doesn’t understand and because of childhood events that have happened to us, they seem to prefer to protect the abuser and punish the victim! I genuinely feel like they wouldn’t have my back if the police had to get involved again and take a statement from them about his manipulative messages he’s sent to them. Does anyone have any advice?
It’s very upsetting that he’s managing to do such damage to my family relationships even now when I’m no longer with him. It makes me feel so alone almost having to try and beg for someone to believe me and not him. The family member even said this could affect him for the rest of his life if I don’t give him an explanation or closure for leaving!
His behaviour whilst I was with him was shocking at times and I didn’t tell anyone out of shame. Now it seems I’m being punished for that as this family member said I never gave them any answers before. -
Sadly this is very common. Victim blaming was the sting in the tail. Abusers will gather flying monkeys anywhere they can. All I could do was tell my family members not to talk about him, mention him to me unless my life was in danger. To set boundaries is difficult but it’s what I had to do as well as keep my distance from anyone who had contact with him. You just stick to your own agenda. Keep reporting breaches to the police and keep setting boundaries with those who cannot understand. I think they will eventually get the idea when he turns on them. Meantime protect yourself x
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There is nobody ever in this world that knows what happens inside when those doors are closed but you. Nobody.
You do not have to justify yourself to anyone ever. He is trying any way he can to get to you and this person is being sucked in as you once was.
Stand tall stand firm stand proud
Stick to what you know. Keep everything he emails texts sends contact police again and again if you must but dont allow him back in dont talk to him acknowledge him nothing. The only person you owe something to is you.
You deserve a life now a good fear free life keep going sweetie I am so proud of you xx -
Families can sometimes be very lonely places. My ex also tried to ‘explain his side of the story’ to family members and friends. Wow! What a warped mind he has. It was pretty grim at the time, and of course they didn’t report his correspondence to the police. So many people don’t want involvement with the police. When it’s all going on it feels like a vicious attack.
Keep posting here and get as much real life support as you can. The police should hopefully have provided you with an IDVA or ISVA. There should be a Domestic Abuse team on 101 who can put you in touch with local services.
It’s a horrendous time. Little by little, you’ll chip away at it.
As KIP said, keep yourself safe, and keep on reporting. One day, you’ll see your ex as the profoundly damaged, pathetic little coward that he became long before you arrived in his life.
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This family member is over stepping your boundaries. They are entitled to their opinion, right or wrong, but they are not entitled to command you to do anything. Neither are they entitled to know any details or to pass judgement on what you did or didn’t do. It’s unlikely the police will need to consult them. You have sufficient evidence of his continued stalking and harassment. Don’t discuss anything further with this person, especially as they’ve positioned themselves as an intermediary. If you are living in the same house you should seriously consider moving asap. Keep safe x
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Oh my dear, I started a very similar thread a while back which was almost exactly the same!
It was, indeed, horrible when I made this discovery – and actually it spanned our entire friendship group as well as several family members.I have always known that I had to play the long game through this process, and indeed I can’t believe how much time has passed since I left and I am still trying to get myself back on track. One of my (young adult) children didn’t speak to me for some time and I just had to wait. He’s back now. And this week I have learnt that my ex is starting to revert to type. It’s taken a long time but it’s happening. He has a new partner and this has helped him shift slightly out of victim mode so people are no longer worried that he’s going to throw himself off a cliff. He was basically telling everyone that, and everyone rallied, because they are decent human beings. Makes me hate him more, realising the extent of his manipulation.
But now they have stopped feeling sorry for him they are starting to see him for what he is.
Again, it will be a slow process, but it is worth waiting for.
I know I just have to stand strong and be confident that it will all be ok in the end.
Just be patient. It’s so very painful now, I know that. x*x
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