family pushing all my buttons

[Jupiter]

Like many survivors I have worked hard for years to make a simple life after multiple abuse and loss-especially my children,as they were then.Slowly I am doing other things but living in my safe bubble.I keep abusers out.
It has been hard making a relationship with my sons after ex tried to destroy me.Estranged sister is a user and treats me the way our mother did-badly.She has never been there for me never been on my side or helped when I lost my kids.Selfish.Over time i never told my kids what their dad did to me and other details to protect them but now Im about to explode with rage and pain after a phone call this eve.My son has pushed all my buttons but not on purpose.He has talked about his dad-an evil abuser-exs brother-my ex mum in law plus my user sister who is an emotional abuser.My heart is racing with high stress and I feel outraged that my son has chosen to remind me of all my abusers–Im going crazy!!!He knows how I feel about my sister but still told me that she tried to find info about where I live from my other son! my heart is banging in my chest and cant calm down….I dont want her in my life.I explained to my son that i am stressed now and he got annoyed with me which has increased my anger.He even told me poor dad never got over a loss as a teen.Outrage again!Ex playing pity card and my life full of abuse loss and other traumas so I feel my survival is trivialised.I dont know why my son chose the horrible conversation at all??He seems brainwashed as he sees life from the abusers’ point of view -never mine. Crazy-making sruff.
Jupiter

[lover of no contact]

Its good you posted because I know those feelings and they are awful. My eldest daughter has the same attitude as your son. She always defends my 2 abusers (my mum and her dad, my ex) and takes the hard stance with me. I suppose I know now to change the topic of conversation if either of my abusers are mentioned by her. Her attitude of denial triggers me no end so that I end up feeling like you have. And its so frustrating and hurtful but I do know if I was to spend all the time trying to make her see the reality and truth of what they are like, and what happened (although she knows deep- down), she just wouldn’t see it.

In fairness to her, her experience of them has been different to mine as they have ‘groomed ‘ her to side with them since she was very young.

I suppose now I am working on accepting ‘her denial’. She needs ‘the safety blanket of denial’ around her for whatever reason. She is not ready to face the truth yet. Maybe she never will.

But its not just me she is hard with and lenient with the abusers. Her abuser dad abuses her sister (who she used to be very close to) and she is often criticising and describing her sister as abuser dad does (in a negative way). She ‘victim-blames’ her sister and me and has the 2 perpetrators (my ex and my abuser mum ) on a pedestal, they can do no wrong.

Its sad to see her bond weakened with me and her sister, after she has spent time with my abuser= mum and ex. She has been truly manipulated by them since a young age.

The thing is though, my abuser mum used to try and turn me against my dad but I wouldn’t side with her. I could see through her lies about him from a young age as he was such a good man. And my abuser ex used to subtly criticise other family members and try and turn me against them but I wouldn’t go there. So it hurts that my eldest daughter has let herself be manipulated by the abusers. But in fairness to her they did work hard 9and still do) at influencing her against me.

Hope my experience helps.

[Jupiter]

Hi Lover ..no contact

Thanks for replying–it helps a lot but I cant see for the tears.Im angry frustrated and heartbroken all at once and feel as if the torment will never end–had it all my life and now the abusers get sympathy from the ones we love the most. You are right that our sons or daughters are manipulated.This son just cant see what I have been through and it is a thousand times more traumatic than my nasty ex’s.Even now he knows what he is doing! Had this cruelty for years and he is not stopping-finding ways to hurt me via the family. Im sure ex has predicted my pain and loves every minute.When I mentioned my sister to my son he said angrily-What has she ever done to you!? I was gobsmacked. How do you describe mental cruelty to your adult child who only sees a nice side? So utterly frustrating…I think we need another planet to live on.Sometimes I think the only way to escape the mental torture is to give up all contact with sons and tots. Then ex will have to find his next fix elsewhere. What else can we do to keep from going mad ?
Jupiter

[lover of no contact]

What helps me is to really work on not letting my abusers come up in conversation in any shape or form with my children and my aunt (who fully support my abusers). If I work on not letting them be even mentioned our conversations seem to go ok. Although my daughter still will have a certain negative attitude or negative look on her face towards me if my abusers have’ been in her ear’, so to speak about her sister and I.

I also have a friend who although she doesn’t agree with how my abuser treated me and she herself was abused badly by an abuser (he then died) and her own father was an abuser. This friend is still in denial about the abuse she was reared in and married into but whenever I would tell how upset I was about his behaviour or my mum’s she would immediately let the abusers off the hook and gently pull me to task about my behaviour and how I need to change. This would upset me so much.

Some people go down the road of ‘victim-blaming’ and ‘letting the perpetrators off the hook’. And it is so hurtful, frustrating, unfair.

[Jupiter]

Thanks for your post–it breaks the isolation and sadness. I admire your strength in doing this re conversation. The huge frustration is letting abusers off the hook as you say.As survivors this is exactly what we dont need. We need to recognise this abuse-name it and do away with the silence.it is as if our kids and others want us to put up and shut up-pretend it never happened -making us powerless and voiceless again. More of the same .It almost feels as if your child has morphed into an abuser but an emotional one.They bat for the wrong side. I must be naive. I used to think that when the kids grew up they would hate their dad for all he did. How wrong I was.
I can see the chat would work if the kids cooperate with you in the ban on abusers. My small granddaughter talks more and more about “grandpa” and I hate it but cant stop her as she is only a baby yet.However ex knows this too.He wants to win his life game of chess and I live alone while he sits pretty in his country cottage with his new wife etc and full support of our kids. Yes it is unfair but it comforts me to know other women are out there with similar problems.
Jupiter

[Ayanna]

Jupiter, I would have a hard talk with that boy.
You need to protect yourself and part of this is also defending yourself.
When he sees that you are strong and fighting your corner uncompromisingly he will respect you more.

[Jupiter]

Thank you for your reply.

Think you are right I need to talk with my son and it is a tricky balance as he is manipulated by my ex-his (detail removed by Moderator) dad-and lived under his roof for over (detail removed by Moderator) years listening to rubbish about me. Also like you the abuse has caused health issues and he doesnt understand the struggles. PTSD is one that he knows about but sees this as weakness unfortunately.Have found out what causes the chronic back pain from a pain specialist–high stress and unresolved emotions .These affect the emotional part of the brain and nerves so nerve paths become conditioned.Based on years of research. Have a look at (detail removed by Moderator)-excellent help and info there.Pain can be cured in time for people like us. She told me she has had good results with survivors of ptsd. Maybe Ayanna you could benefit too? No wonder we have trapped emotions-if we express them we get unfair labels and we maybe are scared of negative judgements too. This physios book about chronic pain recovery is fantastic with details on the site as above .
Jupiter

[Ayanna]

I have a lot of inflamed nerves. This nerve inflammation has been travelling through my body and it gets worse. At the moment one arm is paralysed and extremely painful. I take a lot of stuff that should counteract inflammation. I am sure it works and things would be much worse did I not take that.
I need to message you because that detail was deleted and I am interested in everything that can make me better. The pain is horrific and it affects my life at every level.

However, fight your corner. Your son has no right to distress you. Children can be abusers too. Set your limitations. xx

[Author]

Posts