Family treating me differently

[Discombobulated2022]

Evening all.
My family were so supportive when I finally opened up to them but now I’m kind of seeing him again, they seem a bit distant, a bit guarded. Almost like I’ve hurt them?
Or maybe they’re worried? Unhappy with me?
Does that resonate with anyone else?

[Marmalade]

I think people who have not themselves experienced DA, find it hard to understand why we go back or fail to leave. They don’t understand the trauma bond which pulls women back.
They are probably concerned for you and don’t understand what is going on or how you could go back to him. Some people lose sympathy if a woman repeatedly disregards their advice and returns to an abusive relationship.
It’s not that people are unkind, it’s just that it is so hard for others to understand. We all understand on here though. Many of us, me included, go back multiple times. I lost a friend as she could not understand my actions. Its very hard.

[Discombobulated2022]

Thank you Marmalade. I was so lonely in a relationship with him, fought hard to get me back again and was so much happier.
Now we’re seeing each other but not living together and I’m lonely again. Really odd, especially as there haven’t been any events. I just feel like they’ve backed away. To be fair , they did make it perfectly clear they think it would be a mistake to go back.

[Eggshells]

Hi Discombobulated2022

The ladies on the forum will understand why you are seeing him again and when he begins to abuse you again, we will be here for you.

Your parents won’t understand. There is no way that they can understand the addiction to the ‘nice’ him that we experience as a result of trauma bonding.

So your parents may be feeling a number of different emotions at the moment:
Confusion – they may be wondering why you would go back if everything you told them was true.
Fear – they will have witnessed the diminished person your were as a result of your relationship with him. They’ll have seen you grow after you left him and they’ll be afraid of seeing you hurt again. The love of good parents never fades and it hurts them to see you hurt.
Self preservation – they’ll need to protect themselves from the pain of seeing you diminished and hurt again.
Anger – if they invested alot of emotional and psychological energy in supporting you, they may well be wondering what it was all for. Seeing their cherished daughter going through all of that trauma may have cost them a lot emotionally. Seeing him again may feel disrespectful of that.
Helpless and hopeless – there is literally nothing they can do to help you if you engage in a relationship with this man. They just have to watch as they lose you. Better for them to begin distancing themselves now to lessen the hurt later.

Apologies, I am aware that this may be hard to hear but it is an honest answer to the question you asked.

Yes, the ladies on the forum totally understand your reasons for getting into a relationship with him again and yes, they will be here for you when you need. We don’t have the same emotional attachment to you as your parents so we don’t hurt when you go back, we just get it.

Please do try to think about this really carefully. What do you stand to gain by getting back into a relationship with him and what do you stand to lose? Make a list if it helps. If you go back into the relationship please make sure you do so with your eyes wide open.

[Discombobulated2022]

Thank you Eggshells,
And no apology needed. It helps to hear others views and experiences. It all makes perfect sense. I do feel for my family and I do get it. It just hurts. As I said, I feel more alone now.
It’s interesting that you write “when” he starts abusing you again. I’ve put a couple of posts on asking for experience of others resuming relationships. Not one was positive.
I was so over and finished with him, in fact, there was not one bit of attraction left.
I don’t know how it’s slipped back into this.
I am waiting for the first time it happens again. But my fear is it will be subtle and I’ll minimise or justify. For instance when I was having fun with the kids the other night, he laid on the sofa closed his eyes and turned his back to us all. He used to do that all the time when I was having fun with others. He snapped out of it and said he had a headache. Then joined in. But I’m wondering if that’s a sign?
I changed my behaviour when I was with him, and wasn’t as much fun with others. I see it at the moment but the subtleties are slow and entrenching, I’m worried I could get sucked back in while I’m waiting for a “major event”.
Sorry, I’ve gone off topic now.

I don’t want to go back to that confusion. My mind was soooo confused when I left and it hasn’t been for months xx

[Eggshells]

Hi my lovely

You sound so conflicted. I just want to give you a big hug.

No, there won’t be any positive stories about people going back. Abusers don’t change for the better, unfortunately.

You are already seeing signs that his controlling behaviour is returning. It will continue to creep back in.

You sound as though you are more alert to it this time – knowledge is half the battle. It’s the other half of the battle that you might struggle with more – the emotional, addicted half.

Please try to talk to your family and help them to understand. Also, if they are the kind of people to speak honestly, ask them about how they are feeling if you can. Please don’t risk losing them, especially not for a man who will never love you.

Please make that list of losses and gains if you continue with this relationship. Do the losses outweigh the gains? And please try to get some counselling. You’re going to need help with this.

Big hugs. xx

[Eggshells]

Also, you said you don’t know how you got back into the relationship. Your abuser reeled you in deliberately. He made a concerted effort and manipulated you.

He knows your vulnerabilities very well. Please be careful.

[Discombobulated2022]

Thank you Eggshells,
I’m worried there might be early signs yes.
He spoke to my daughter harshly. I raised it and he apologised to her, which he’s never done before. He’s in therapy and I believe in rehabilitation. He’s accepting responsibility and very apologetic. Something he’s never done before. Or is he changing tactic because the old ones haven’t worked? He literally went from being nasty to nice overnight. Oh, and when I was seeing someone else.
This all instigated change in him.
Maybe he thinks the physical and emotional abuse is the abusive bit. And the controlling bit isn’t? (Detail removed by Moderator). I refused to pander to it and did raise it with him the next day despite his moody ness with me and the fact he tried to blame me.

I know, in the past I would have apologised for that and then changed my behaviours.
I don’t know any to become a shell of myself again.

I’m in counselling but haven’t been for a few weeks because of the holidays.

Thank you so much for talking to me xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there I just wanted to reaffirm your thoughts on is he changing tactics. Yes he is. He knows you inside out, like you know him. He will do whatever it takes, even by apologising and accepting responsibility. But actions speak louder than words. He’ll go to therapy for a while until he gets bored with it or he decides he doesn’t need it cos everything is fixed. Mine went until he didn’t. Said it wasn’t working by that he meant I hadn’t gone back to him. We are not the prize for good behaviour. You’re more aware of how he’s treated you, so now you need to start sitting back and watching what happens when you stand up for yourself more and more(only if it’s safe to do so) just saying no I’m not doing x or y and see what his reaction is. Try not to get angry, let him know how disappointed you are, just by saying those very words could be enough to give you some calm time. Surviving living with an abuser is no fun, but it takes a lot of strength to do just that.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Eggshells]

Yes, my lovely, they are early signs I’m afraid.

I get a sense of hope, from you, that therapy and rehabilitation will help.

My ex told me he was going to therapy. He wasn’t. It was a lie. Even if he was, it wouldn’t have helped. Most abusers don’t really want to change. Therapy is a ruse. For the tiny minority who really do want to change, it is a lifelong battle for them not to slip back into abusive habits. A bit like an alcohol, the urge will always be there. An alcoholic can resist that urge by keeping alcohol out of the house. How will an abuser resist the urge if his victim is right there infront of him all the time.

You also said he was in rehabilitation. If this is for an addiction, then please remember that addictions such as drugs and alcohol don’t make people abusive. Mastering his addiction won’t stop the abuse.

If it’s rehabilitation for abusive men then you should have been contacted about it by the organisation or individual that is working with him. If you haven’t been then be very warey.

Please, please do read “Why does he do that?” By Lundie Bancroft. You can borrow it for free from the open library. I think you will find it game changer in how you navigate this right now. xx

[Discombobulated2022]

Thank you I want me back & eggshells

I do feel a bit like a prize tbh. I think he’s working on me allowing him to move back in.
He’s definitely made some changes, but is it enough and is it all an act. Time will tell. I’ll sit back as you suggest and watch.

Yes Eggshells, I do have some hope. Maybe naively?
Apologies. I think I worded my response wrong.
He is in therapy.
He’s not in rehabilitation. I meant I believe people can rehabilitate, else why do we as a society invest so much in it? In lots of areas.
Thankfully he doesn’t use substances.
He does however attribute the abuse to his mental health. I’ve explained to him that that’s not the cause. Yes, it exacerbates it, but isn’t the cause.
I didn’t get much of a response to that. Xx

[Eggshells]

Hi again.

Realistically, the answer is yes, the changes are an act. If you do feel able to read “Why does he do that?” this is explained.

Some groups of offenders are notoriously difficult to rehabilitate because they like doing what they do and they genuinely don’t see that it is wrong. Society tells them it’s wrong so they learn to hide their behaviour from society and groom their victims accordingly. Abusers of all types fall into this category.

It doesn’t really feel as though you feel ready to accept that he cannot change. Acceptance is a very personal journey and a path which you have to walk in your own way.

Please do keep posting for support and clarity.

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