Family won’t support me in leaving

[Anonymous]

Hello I feel non of my family support me in leaving my husband due to my financial situation.

My parents and my sister.
This breaks my heart it’s almost like non of them believe me and I think he flirts with my sister to put a barrier between us which has.

And now with this new variant I’m more frightened of being alone than ever.

Does anyone else have these worries/ obstacles?
I’m so grateful for this space.

Feel so alone

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do understand and feel for you and hope to offer a few words of support.

Without running the risk of derailing your thread with my own stuff, my journey after leaving included a huge rift being created in my birth family whereby two of my siblings older than me supported my ex, (and therefore that feeling that they didn’t believe me) – and not me.

The last sibling I became estranged from really because in my view they really couldn’t accept my not wanting to be in a ‘victim’ role – and also my ex husband made life really difficult for them and many other people I knew through bullying and what they call secondary abuse.

Even now, years later when many complete strangers would say I’ve brought up my DD sucessfully on my own noone in my birth family acknowledges this. It is really hard.

Perhaps going forward it might help a little to know that I dodn’t think family estrangement is uncommon when women leave. My support worker in refuge seemed to see it coming, even though I did’t.

Family systems theory may also be helpful.

There is this thing about birth families where people are used to playing certain roles, a bit like a children’s mobile whereby if all continue to play certain roles the mobile balances.

When one element of it changes however, and takes on a new confidence and steps out of their role of being quite frankly oppressed, and seeks more independence, the whole thing changes and the balance shifts, (perhaps the balance was never really a true balance?) as certain birth family members find it difficult or nearly impossible to accpet the new situaiton.

For me my estrangement revealed cracks and lack of personal resources by family members to deal with the situation at hand. These things my ex exploited also with his manipulations just like you are describing i.e the flirting etc. My ex was very good at playing Mr. Reasonable when he wanted to.

It is a very hard journey I’m sorry you are expreiencing this, but it helped me a little to know that one in four people are estranged from birth family, I’m sure that domestic abuse and violence aftermath plays a big part in this, as in honour based violence and abuse etc.

Kind of along the lines of when you steop out of line as a woman and claim your rights.

You say that attitudes are due to your financial situation.

I wonder and probably not a good idea to share on here, details obviously…but financial situations can be fixed.

A divorce is not a very nice thing to deal with, but lots of people get divorced and you can claim what is yours and strike out on your own.

I have to say freedom is better than a life with abuse. So money really in the end only comes into it on the fringes. Literally a matter of freedom or a non-existence as the suffragettes would have said.

I left with literally twenty quid in my pocket, no access to savings or anything and a small child.

The reason being I knew I couldn’t continue with situation as it was.

It is hard, but practical things can be resolved.

It is hard to feel as if you are alone,
but believe me, you are not in fact. Hundreds and Thousands of women have trod this path before you, and lots are on here to help.

You may want to have a chat with two charities or check the websites

1) Surviving Economic Abuse
2) Stand Alone – charity focussing on family estrangement.

Especially in the run up to Christmas we are all exposed to that chocolate box picture perfect image of a well off nuclear, man woman family supposedly having a happy time.

Such a thing really doesn’t exist. Or at least seldom.

The reality for staff in women’s refuges is that Christmas is their busiest time of year.

So you are not alone. Women throughout history have built alternative, new social structures and networks.

It is very hard and sometimes I feel the pain of losing my birth family too.

But mostly I feel if they didn’t want to acknowledge my experiences which were very painful and didn’t support me, then of course i am better off without them. You may wish to consider that.

Crossing that bridge is not easy, but there are new tribes, new families and suppport networks just waiting for you on the other side…

virtual hug if you feel able to accept it, if not no pressure…

[Anonymous]

Thank you for replying made me quite emotional actually.
Sounds very similar situations.
I don’t think I could ever cut them off completely but definitely avoiding their opinions from now on.
Good luck with your situation too sounds like you should be very proud of your independence now nit easy to achieve

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel … White walls,
I am sorry to hear that you feel so alone and don’t have the support of your family
Firstly, you are not alone … you have the support of me and this forum
Its extremely hard for others to understand the situation that you are in, abuse is very hard to understand from the outside if you have not been a victim of it.
Your family are unable to understand the emotional side of what you are going through and are just thinking practically about the finances. I am sure they have your best interest at heart, and think that they are giving you the best advice for what they know of the situation. If they really knew I am sure they would not want you to be unhappy whatever the risks of leaving were
I would start to look at what your options are for leaving. Get some advice on where you stand financially if you were to leave, do you own a house together, children etc? Start the ball rolling and putting things in place. This will make you feel more confident and give you some power to stand up to your family.
What direction do you want your life to go in after this man is out of your life?
When you get clear on things other people around you will see how strong and focused you have become and trust what you are saying and wanting is right, but first you have to know this yourself
I hope that helps my darling
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much I am looking for strength hope I will find it.Bless you for replying

[Anonymous]

Insightful comment from Darcy.
Yes, would go with ‘knowing this yourself’.

Means digging deep in your personal strength but the strength is there, you just have to find it.

There will be moments you doubt yourself, but try to see these moments as clouds passing across the sky i the wind…they are only moments and you have a strength perhaps you have never known.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much appreciate it ☁️

[Author]

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