Family

[Serenity]

It’s become clearer to me since my marriage ended how each of my family members ( parents, siblings) is abusive in their own way.

I’m not talking about the odd bad day or outburst- no one’s perfect: I’m talking about a continuous or repetitive way of treating others, often masked as something else, and a complete denial of one’s imperfectiins.

Apologies were unheard of in my family. I wasn’t perfect, but I do know I have tended to apologise to everyone for everything in my family- things which weren’t my fault, and which they should have taken responsibility for. I was just so desperate to placate everyone.

My parents were actually very supportive during my divorce in certain ways. But it came at a cost- until I spoke out, that I’d rather do it alone than have them controlling or putting me down. Sometimes, even patents can do apparently good things with some mixed motive. I’m sure my mother helped me financially partly because she cared- but she began to take it as an opportunity to control and dictate, and even to make me feel beholden and operate towards other people in a way I wasn’t happy with. I had to put my foot down.

I get the odd day when I feel really sad about that, but what’s saved me from getting really low about it is an article I read a while back, where it says we can ‘parent’ and even ‘sibling’ ourselves.

We can even ‘self-partner’ ourselves: be to ourselves how we would want a partner to be.

We don’t need to wait for our mother to be emotionally warm, or our father to be protective, a partner to be supportive or our siblings to be respectful: we can give all that to ourselves. We can mother, father or partner ourselves, and treat ourselves like we would want to treat a beloved sister.

What’s been good about this is that my lack of dependence on them ‘behaving right’ is that they’ve begun to wake up and smell the coffee. My mother has a lot of very good points, but had her ‘abusive moments’: she’s much improved, because she senses I won’t tolerate it. My father is much improved too. My siblings are more difficult: both have good points, but a ‘dark side’ and they are totally unwilling to admit they aren’t perfect- even to their partners!

But I won’t be waiting around for realisation to dawn! I’m too busy self-partnering, self- parenting and self- sibling myself! 😁

[Tiffany]

I love that idea Serenity. I am going to try and incorporate this kind of self care into my life. I think sadly the hardest thing will be convincing myself that I deserve this kind of selfcare, but if I can’t convince myself then probably no one else could either. I imagine it will be very healing if I can succeed. I am excited to start!

[lover of no contact]

Wonderful idea serenity. Thank you for sharing it with us. I’m excited to try it too. I need to try it too as there is a lot lacking in my close family members too. Its like going to the hardware store to buy bread. lol. The respect aint just gonna happen. They don’t have it to give. I’m powerless over how others choose to behave. However as you point out we can give to ourselves.

Self-partnering, self-sibling and self-parenting…I like it! I can partner, mother and sibling myself.. now that is in my control.

[KIP.]

If you think about the FOG of abuse. The Fear the Obligation and the Guilt. If you remove the fear to leave obligation and guilt. They are still very powerful weapons.

[SunshineRainflower]

My family sound similar Serenity, I realised when I left that a lot of my ex’s behaviour that the professionals classed as ‘abusive’ was worryingly familiar to me – put downs, criticism, jokes at my expense, always feeling like I must be in the wrong. My brother is very much the golden boy and I feel like the disappointing black sheep to be pitied. Like you my parents are supportive financially and in other ways, but they are also controlling and abusive in other ways and still treat me like a child who needs protecting, stopping me from developing the skills I need to survive alone. It’s very confusing. I understand the reason I have been attracted to controlling, critical, disapproving men is because the behaviour feels safe and familiar to me. A non controlling man who was happy with me would feel quite alien. I am hoping that with therapy that I can learn to attract and be with a healthy man. I too have read about self partnering and it’s a great concept, to provide ourselves with the love, warmth, care and affection that we missed in childhood.

I keep thinking how great it would be to have a partner who can put up curtain rails, blinds, shelves etc and it’s made me think I might go on a DIY course if I can find one and learn how to use power tools to be my own awesome super duper wife! Then I will want to marry myself and I can boast to other wives about how great my partner is at DIY haha 😀

[citrine]

Omg! I can’t believe how much I can relate to this.

My family think they are so supportive but really it is just empty words. They say how much they’ll help but nothing becomes of it. My mother likes to almost gain from any drama in my life or my sisters And acts like the victim to get support from my father And her friends. I just end up thinking what ??? And I find myself finding my own way, which I’ve done since a child really.

What is so very strange is that my sister also ended up in an abusive relationship. So surely that has something to do with our upbringing.

I will look at the self parenting/partnering

Thank you Serenity (again ) x*x

[Ribena]

Oh my goodness Sunshine, sounds exactly like my life. I could have written your email x

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