Fancying someone unexpectedly

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

This sounds a bit silly and I wasn’t going to post it but I also think it’s relevant to recovery and maybe some of you can relate/help. So (the silly part first) I have recently realised that I fancy the postman. This has really thrown me because I haven’t felt that giddy weak-kneed feeling since a date I went on a few years ago with a super handsome but not-very-nice man. I didn’t even get this feeling with my abusive ex. It’s been quite interesting to notice the difference. With my abusive ex I had to kind of force myself to be attracted to him because I felt guilty that he liked me and also worried I was being too fussy.

Anyway I haven’t dated since I ended things with him well over a year ago because I wanted to have counselling and be in a better place in my life, but mainly because I have little faith in men and think it seems that most of them cheat and lie so often wonder why anyone bothers getting married at all. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who cheats on me. I also fear ending up with another abuser and being conned again.

In my new area the postman is super good looking and I noticed this immediately but didn’t think anything of it until he was really nice and we had a chat at the door and he offered to go to the depot to get me my parcels so I didn’t have to, and he leaves smiley faces on the delivery cards if I’m not in. All very silly I know and only doing his job but it’s made me all giddy like a teenage girl.

The problem is this seems to be my pattern – get all giddy and fancy the really good looking guys but it never ends well. In the past I’ve had some super gorgeous boyfriends but that was pretty much all they had going for them – they were immature, selfish, vain, impatient, some were emotionally abusive and probably due to being so good looking hadn’t developed a good sense of humour or other interesting life skills or hobbies. So overall they weren’t inspiring men at all.

Since leaving my ex, if I ever date again, I KNOW he needs to be very inspiring, a great man. Anything less is a waste of time. I’d like him to be educated, open minded, intelligent, have a good sense of humour, share similar values and hobbies to me and also be good at practical things so our skills complement each other (for some reason men with skills like carpentry amaze me, maybe because I don’t have skills like that myself). Not just some peacock good looking guy who contributes nothing apart from looks.

Do you all have a weakness for handsome-but-thats-about-all men and has it created a negative pattern? I’ve noticed that most of the happily married women I know chose the less good looking men and don’t seem to be impressed much by looks and this has helped them. I wish I could be a bit more like that. I’m not saying the postman is a bad egg, I don’t know anything about him. I feel like my crush on him is inappropriate and annoying and it’s thrown me off. I suppose in a positive way it shows a certain amount of healing because I don’t think I could have developed any sort of crush for anyone up until very recently. I pretty much expected that I would never like anyone again and had resigned myself to just being single with a cat because at least it’s peaceful.

I also worry a bit about boundaries with the postman since he’s started chatting to me. I have heard him chatting to another local woman so I think he’s just being friendly and helpful (or maybe he just likes having a local fan club) but I have a tendency to over-share and I’m a bit worried I might start doing this. I often get targeted by charming manipulative types so am always trying to figure out if this is what is happening or whether certain behaviours are normal. It would be awful if this postman is a n**c/p********h and has clocked me as a prime target.

[KIP.]

Hi, in the early days of recovery I was so vulnerable I would have dated anyone if it wasn’t for the fantastic advice from women’s aid to give myself at least two years before dating. I’ve actually needed longer not to be vulnerable but everyone is different. It’s only fairly recently I’ve had stirrings lol. But that’s a good sign. It’s a sign my depression is lifting and I’m open to re entering the human race. It’s ok to have a crush and an interest in the opposite sex but I remember when I spoke to a man my imagination ran wild with what he was thinking. Just go at a steady pace and don’t set yourself up for a big fall. Get to know him better and take it slowly. You know all the red flags to look out for. Walk away at the first sign.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks KIP. I don’t think I’d actually end up dating this man because he might be married or gay or anything, I don’t know anything about him. But it has been interesting and surprising getting those ‘fancying’ feelings for someone again. It’s coming up to two years since I ended things which is incredible because it doesn’t feel like that long. I agree it is a positive sign but also a bit confusing as I wasn’t expecting to ever fancy anyone again if that makes sense.

I am so on-alert looking for red flags with everyone I meet sometimes my head spins. I think though like you said I do know the red flags very well now and I also have a strong gut reaction to things so I will follow that.

I think maybe this is a positive sign that in the next year to two I might consider dating again, although I’d like to meet someone through normal life like a hobby and get to know them as a friend first extremely slowly before even considering anything romantic.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sunshinerainflower, what a lovely feeling and thanks for sharing. I can’t really advise as I’m still with my oh. look at it in that your starting to notice the other sex again and That means you’re not totally stuck thinking about your ex. That’s a good sign.🙂
My oh’s attractiveness is his charm, he thinks he’s not good looking but to women he’s an alpha male and therefore attractive in that he’d be seen as hunter/ gatherer and sexually productive 😉. He’s able to turn his hand to anything, so good about the house. Sounds ideal doesn’t he BUT and we all know the BUT don’t we. So even though you see those Women with not so hot men, who’s to say what’s going on behind their closed doors.
You know your red flags now and as KIP says get to know him better, he could be just a player(his own wee fan club) enjoy the feeling but I remember that’s how my relationship started with my OH. He was/ is flirty by nature, talk the knickers off anyone so to speak. Maybe that’s why he’s always said that about me, I’d let anyone talk the knickers off me, maybe he was really referring to himself🤔 all these years. That’s literally just dawned on me writing to you.
Take it easy, slowly and with a bit of reserve.
IWMB 💕💕

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Iwantmeback.

It must be difficult being with your partner because as with all abusers they are never all bad so we have to mourn the loss of the aspects we liked however minor (like him being good around the house). My abusive ex was really clean and a good cook unlike my previous boyfriends so I cried quite a lot about losing that aspect! I was so so happy about how domesticated he was that I was so gutted to lose that lol. But like you say it’s never worth putting up with any sort of abuse for. Plus by the end he was manipulating me into cooking for him after pretending to believe in the equal sharing of household tasks.

That’s an annoying thing for your partner to say to you and I’m sure isn’t true. It reminds me of how my ex shamed me ‘jokingly’ implying I was a very sexual person when I was only sexual with him after he seduced me with his carefully planned Casanova tactics. I have never been someone who sleeps around (unlike him). These men are always misogynists with contrary hypocritical views. If we enjoy sex/are flirty then we are nymphomaniacs in their eyes but if we don’t enjoy it or are not interested then we’re frigid. We can’t win with (Detail removed by Moderator) them.

I hope you manage to leave soon. Have you spoken to the helpline to put a plan in place?

Yes I expect this postman is probably popular with the ladies, I am sure all the other women around here have noticed him too lol. I will see the situation as an interesting experiment.

[diymum@1]

Hi there, It’s a good sign that your getting into the moving on mode☺. Good looks are nice but intellect and being abe to have a man with integrity and morals is so important.I think we all deserve our best friend next time round, our soul mate ☺ 💕 If we love ourselves that will come because I don’t think we’ll stand for anything less xx 💕 💕and so we go forth ! 😊💖

[Iwantmeback]

Hello again, aye doing the handy work, he’s really good at, but since I’m always the labourer, that’s when he loses his temper with me a lot. Has caused a fair few stooshies over the years, especially when he mucks up cutting stuff, that always ends up my fault😂 he used to do a fair bit of the cooking too esp at Christmas and New year, doesn’t now, I do it all and he’s always finds fault with it, has flung it across the living room on occasion. Thank goodness for dogs. 😏 he truly believes he does an equal share around the house🤣🤣
I too am a very sexual person, but only with my partner, I’ve never been one for sleeping around, not like him. Because I was adventurous with him, he uses such horrid ne names towards me now. Then turns round after I say I’m not a wh..e or s..t, no i know you’re not, but you’re my wh..e/s..t😔it hurts so much to be called such vile names, but of course he’s only messing.i would agree that these men are extremely mysoginistic. He has accused his mother and ex wife of being pro….utes. every woman who lives around us, actresses on tv, singers, they’re all sl..s/sl..gs, it’s incessant 😠. I’ve been accused of being a nymphomaniac too, but that was in the beginning when we couldn’t keep our hands of each other, now I’m frigid, or getting it elsewhere cos he’s not getting it. He’s threatening to go elsewhere if I don’t give him it more. I’ve had these conversations our whole relationship. It’s like a broken record.
We definately can’t win. Everything he does or says is sexually orientated, he’s not ancient but he’s no a teenager now either. It’s actually getting quite creepy. Funny how I never noticed how much sex was such a big part of his daily life, thank God for ED 🤣🤣 thing is, he can still make me laugh, inbetween the times he makes me sob hysterically.
I’m afraid I’m going to really blow up at him someday and really let the cat out the bag. For now I’m biding my time, putting things into place.
Thank you for replying. It’s very appreciated 🧡
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

I feel like a crush isn’t a bad thing. It’s interesting to analyse how you react to someone you have a crush as a step towards healthy relationships. Or at least I found it interesting. I had an unexpected crush on a work colleague. It never went anywhere beyond my realising that I could be myself and men would still like me (in a totally non sexual way!). That the person I was did not repulse the men around me. That was really useful to me. And I analysed what I liked about him. Good looking, sure, but also calm and he motivated people to work their best. And what I didn’t like – he drank and smoked too much, he wasn’t happy with where he was in life. On balance I decided I wouldn’t want to be with him even if he did fancy me. It might have been fun as a fling if I had been in the right headspace for a fling, but after the abuse a fling was the last thing I needed. And I was happy to stay single until I found someone who I liked who didn’t come into the category of “he’s cute but…”

As you say, the postman is probably nice/a flirt with everyone. But having a crush on him does no harm. Particularly as he never has to find out about it if you don’t want him to. Enjoy it. It’s a fun part of recovery.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks ladies.

DIYmum I totally agree about their personality being more important. I seem to be quite shallow and swayed by looks even though I know they have minimal value. Maybe it’s because in my family good looks were always focused on and praised and my brother was always considered good looking with a lot of admirers and he represented what a ‘normal’ man was like to me (even though it turns out he’s not a good role model at all). Totally agree about us needing to be with our best friend. We deserve only the best especially after what we have all been through or are still going through.

That’s good you’re taking steps forward to get away from him Iwantmeback. Just keep going. I can relate a lot to how your partner sounds. Abusers are all so similar aren’t they! My ex seemed to both really like and also feel threatened and angry that I was sexual ie. he was happy I was sexual with him but suspicious about it too. I think he erroneously thought it must mean I’d been with lots of men before him. He probably also thought I would be cheating on him he way it turned out he was cheating on me (again, completely false). All of their thoughts seem to return back to misogyny. They have such warped mindsets it’s almost funny. They must do so many mental gymnastics to reach their biased conclusions.

Tiffany that’s what I was thinking too, about analysing why I like him and his pros and cons as a sort of step on the recovery ladder. After I wrote this post I realised that in fact I only started ‘fancying’ him after he was nice/helpful and went to the depot to get all my parcels when all the other postmen wouldn’t have offered and I would have had to queue for half an hour in the cold. Then we arranged a safe place he could store my post if I wasn’t in and then he started leaving the smiley faced cards. So I think it was him being friendly, nice, thoughtful and helping me out that trigged those feelings because I’ve lived here for a while and always thought he was good looking but never thought much about it until he started talking to me and being extra helpful like this.

This worries me a bit though because I wonder if it suggests I am very easy to please and therefore manipulate? Ie. some people would expect friendly helpful service. I’m so used to people especially men being unhelpful, selfish and rude etc that when one of them goes out of his way to help me I sometimes (although definitely not always) start considering them romantically. Having said that I’ve often been repulsed by overly helpful fawning sort of men so it can’t just be this. It must be a combination of them having good looks + being friendly and helpful!

I am also wondering if the jittery feeling in my stomach is an anxiety because he’s possibly a potential manipulator, or whether it’s just an attraction thing? I find it really hard to interpret my feelings sometimes because I have been conned several times by manipulators so now feel very confused about what is attraction and what is a gut feeling of anxiety, if that makes sense. I feel like maybe the next time I date anyone it should be someone who I feel calm with rather than that jittery butterfly feeling? But does that mean I’m not attracted to them? It’s all rather confusing :\

I can’t think of any red flags from him so far apart from maybe he’s just being a bit overly nice and helpful? But that isn’t a red flag in itself. It’s just I know manipulators and abusers often start off offering favours to create a debt. So now I struggle to tell whether someone is just being helpful or whether they are doing it to create a debt situation.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sunshinerainflower, I can tell the difference between being anxious and excited now. The difference is where it is in my stomach. With my oh it’s always at the top of my stomach and it hurts so much, when I’m nervously excited in a good way, it’s in the bottom of my stomach like having butterflies. See I’m starting to listen to my gut instinct again😃 I think if you were picking up subconsciously bad vibes, you’d have a kinda knot in your upper stomach.
Do other ladies feel this difference or am I just being weird?
IWMB 💕💕

[diymum@1]

Yeh there good excitement the bad means I can eat, it’s not butterflies it’s a knot. For me this was the worst and confronted I giggle, I can’t control it at all. I hate that about when I’m anxiously nervous. At an interview that happened I never heard from them again. Also I get such a dry throat I get an uncontrollable cough and can’t speak ! The body has a weird way of reacting doesn’t it xx💕💕diy

[fridges]

Hi, Sunshinerainflower,
I liked your post, you are analysing your own ways and how you are feeling. You are more conscious about your patterns and an old way of thinking. I would not overthink about the post man. The reason is – I followed you and read many posts from you – you are too intelligent woman and I can feel the class + style between the lines. The post man would not be able to satisfy your needs and desires what you are looking in the man. May be I’m here very harsh, but I see it this way. It is the light flirt, take it and enjoy a little attention from the handsome man, no harm in that. His attention does not make you to oblige to go any further. More likely you are coming further on the journey of healing, you started to notice attractive men, which is good. But I have a feeling in time, there is someone for you, who would be right and will satisfy your expectations. Good looking is not enough, it is a bonus. I do not see anything wrong when a woman wants good looking, intelligent man and who is earning well. Why not? Do not put your expectations lower, just because right there is no one around, who will fit your ideal image. I invented a new motto after my experience with men – FILTER like a freak:)
Couple months ago when I started to go to the gym, I walked in for a very long break, turned on the way out, because I saw so many men there, had the panic attack. I managed to calm myself and said, it is not necessary someone from there will harm me, it is very hard to start for me, after locking myself in the house. We should try to process what we have been through, create new boundaries, create our new version of ourself. Our past should not be on the way to our future. It has been only a year for you on the recovery, it is only the very beginning, with time you will be making more and more progress, as now you are choosing yourself and working hard on transforming your life.

[Tiffany]

I found being attracted to men quite scary when it started happening again after the abuse. The whole idea felt quite unsafe. But I found it helpful to reassure myself whenever I saw the guy at work who I had a crush on that it was actually safe to find a man attractive, he wasn’t going to hurt me – and actually he never had to know I was interested in him if I didn’t want him too. Obviously I never did tell him, but I don’t think the anxiety I felt was triggered by any kind of red flag. He’s never been anything but nice to me or anyone else around him as far as I know. (I think this is a good thing to look for in people who are nice to me – if it because they want sex, or is it because they are nice to everyone. It may be hard to tell with your post man – you don’t tend to see them in large social gatherings unless you also know them in other ways). I still have a lot of time for the guy who I had a crush on, although the attraction wore off once I realised I could do much better… It sounds like you are doing a great job analysing your feelings and not overanalyzing his actions. You sound like you are in an increasingly good place, which is lovely.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies and sorry for the late reply.

Fridges your post really made me smile, thanks for saying such nice things. I kind of think you’re right about the postman. I have a tendency to date men who aren’t well educated when I was a bit of a geek at school and have a high level of education. A friend pointed this out and says she thinks I’d be better off with someone who had a similar background and education level. I don’t do it on purpose, I have found the well-educated men in my age group are just in high demand and now date younger women to me, especially since I am not currently working – they tend to date high-earning women like themselves which is fair enough. One of the problems I’ve found with the less educated men is they also tend to be more old fashioned in their views and misogynistic so it just is not a good match and they don’t make good partners, the ones I have met anyway (not saying all men like this are bad, this has just been my experience so far).

I really want to start working again before dating, that’s another big goal. Because if I don’t have a job then I’ll always be dependent on others. I’m not working due to struggling with my mental health but I am still looking for a job I can manage. I think I’ll be in a much better position to date then and I will feel proud of myself and like I deserve a great partner, whereas at the moment I’d just feel embarrassed and guilty dating a well-educated well-paid man like I don’t deserve him.

Iwantmeback and DIYmum that is so helpful about the anxiety vs butterfly feeling. I think I know what you mean. The butterflies is a sort of pleasant jittery feeling whereas the bad gut feeling like you both say is like a knot. In fact I remember this distinctly at the end with my ex because I used to have to run to the bathroom to vomit, the knot was so bad. I will try to tune in more to these feelings and see if I can separate them further so I don’t mix them up.

Thanks Tiffany yes it’s fun finding someone attractive again and makes me realise that I have moved further on now which is brilliant. I saw the postman the other day and he is still as gorgeous as ever lol but I’m wondering if he’s just been nice in the hope of Christmas tips from the people he delivers to? I will see if he changes in January! I decided I didn’t want to go down the whole jittery unfocused route where I obsess over someone and I just want to keep focused on my goals. This felt like such a good step in the right direction because it stopped me from putting him on a pedestal like I usually would. So when he turned up I just smiled and said thanks and didn’t enter into a conversation with him. I have had several short relationships or crushes over the years, many more than I would have liked (I have always just wanted one man) so am keen to avoid repeating the same mistakes and the next time I get involved, I want it to be the right person, someone of substance, someone who is the finally right match for me so I don’t have to keep going on this rollercoaster.

[Iwantmeback]

Hello sunshinerainflower, wow, you sound so much more focused now. I’m smiling reading your post. What a lovely way to start the day. Thank you for posting and well done on working through this👏
IWMB 💕💕

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