Fathers Day is sore point!

[I am better than this]

Normally my ex has our son on a (detail removed by Moderator), but he asked a few months ago if he could change it to this (detail removed by Moderator) instead. I agreed as at that time I was happy to allow him contact and swap if needed. I’ve since discovered that he swapped because he is having (detail removed by Moderator) done, actually booked it in before asking me if swap was ok. Since then he has started messing around with access days….not picking up on time, not dropping off on time, shortened two after work access times…for (detail removed by Moderator), texting me at pick up times saying hes running a bit late and will not be able to pick up until mid afternoon so I cancelled that day and took our child out myself.

Now I realise it is Fathers Day and ordinarily I would think its ok to spend time with our son that day. But…..it means he will be taking him to his new woman and their baby and all her other kids for the day.
And here is where my problem lies. He cheated on me to be with her and she did same to her husband too for several months, each dragging their kids along to meet up. Our son finds it all so confusing and as he has sensory issues, its not easy to explain to him. But I grit my teeth so he can see his dad, even tho his dad does not put him first and never has since birth. He is a total cr*p dad and he lies to our child, in front of me. I still grit my teeth.

But it absolutely kills me to think of such a vile woman being around my baby, playing happy families with the very child whos life she helped to destroy!! She put her own kids through hell to be with my husband and I know they are struggling badly with the scenario. I do not trust either her nor my sons father to have his mental welfare at heart. I spent nearly (detail removed by Moderator) making this beautiful child with IVF, to hand him over to that!!!
It is really upsetting me today that my boy will play happy families on Fathers Day, with a vile couple of people who don’t care about anyone but themselves.
I have done nothing to warrant any of this in my life, yet I have compromised non stop. They however, have not once compromised on anything, not once!

Am I just being crazy with thinking like this? Bitter sounding? I worry I sound insane!!

[Serenity]

Hi there,
No, you don’t sound bitter or insane, because what comes across is your concern for all of the children involved- both your child and the other woman’s – showing how caring you are ( in comparison to them).

Your ex’s priority should be his child’s feelings, especially if your child has sensory issues which means that big changes like this will affect him.

Your ex sounds like so many abusers- they like to impress and be centre of attention. Their children’s needs come second. He’s using Father’s Day to impress his girlfriend and look good.

(My ex is like this: using my youngest to look good, dragging him along to events to make him play music like a monkey and my ex the organ-grinder, just to show off and make himself look good.)

You’re not bitter: you just don’t want your child ‘used’ because- unlike an abuser- you see your child as an individual with their own specific needs.

Are you able to voice your concerns to your ex- making your child the focus of the conversation, saying that you are concerned that such a big meeting will be overwhelming for your child? Would he listen? Or would this make him become even more stubborn?

If your ex won’t play ball, maybe you could sit down with your child before hand and prepare him for the meeting, and ‘downplay’ it or explain it in simplified terms, in a way you think best.

I try to maintain a calm appearance in front of my kids regarding my ex normally, partly so that I know they will come to me and talk openly about their time with my ex and any issues. I slipped up last week and bad-mouthed him, and part of my anxiety was around the fact that I worried that my kids would feel they weren’t able to talk to me openly about my ex anymore.

It’s so hard, and I sympathise with you X

Xx

[Author]

Posts