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    • #73585
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Hi All

      It has been a long time since I have been on here and hope you are all doing ok.

      I have been free of my horrible marriage for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years but still don’t quite feel ‘free’.

      I have regular contact with my ex, as he sees our children quite often. Over the (detail removed by moderator) years he has ‘changed’ from being a disciplinarian and generally quite intolerant human being to ‘super dad’. He showers them with gifts and money, allows them to eat/drink what they want, go to bed when they want etc. I’m obviously the bad cop, who makes them do their homework, sets rules and boundaries, asks them to do small chores like make their beds, but dishes in the dishwasher etc.

      I am with another man who, on the whole is great. He gives me the freedom to do the things I want to do, I supportive with my studies etc. BUT…we have had a couple of issues lately, mainly because I have caught him out lying. They are not huge lies, but lies all the same. For example, (detail removed by moderator). 

      My new man is also a bit lazy when it comes to doing things around the house, again I have expressed my issues and he does do a little more. But, I still do the lions share as well as working, looking after the children, studying for professional exams etc.

      Just to also say, that my teenager has been pretty awful to me over the last (detail removed by moderator) years; spending hundreds of pounds on in app purchases, lying about incidents at school and generally lying, pinching money and food from us, being defiant, showing me no respect etc. When I confronted him about it he said he was behaving this way because he doesn’t like new man, and is taking it out on me.

      Sorry for the long post but trying to give you some background.

      One of my children is a teenager, so is going through some emotional changes. Our relationship is not good at all at the moment. As I said above I am the bad cop! His dad is extreamley manipulative and I know that my new man and I are spoken about to my children. My new man is an “effing [email protected]@@@er” and I am as “thick as pig s”t”, according to their dad. I guess there is more and worse things said. Anyway the upshot of it all is that my ex had planted the seed with my teenager that he can go live with him, and he is seriously considering it.

      I have spoken to my son about it and he has pretty much turned around and said that I have to make a choice between him and new man. If I don’t ask new man to leave he will go to his Dad’s. I am obviously left reeling as it is an awful position to be in. I can’t help but feel my ex is poisoning my son’s mind and trying to make my life a misery. However, I am worried that if I let my son leave, will I be doing the right thing. My man’s lying has rocked me a bit.

      I just don’t seem to be able to get out of the quagmire! xx

    • #73589
      [email protected]
      Participant

      This sounds very familiar to me 🙁 im at the end off this senario now though. My eldest daughter had zero respect for me also – i ended up sending her to her dads because i felt that i couldnt cope with her aggressive behavior(the situation escalated) i now know why i reacted with such a knee jerk she was triggering me. i now totally regret my actions – in hind sight i wish we had sought some proper help from a therapist to salvage our relationship (thats what were doing now) but at the time she was at her dads he pitted her against me and my new partner (triangulation again) he also used her in the custody battle we had fighting for my youngest. So if i were you id keep your kids close and address all of the issues – going to live with him could mean loosing your son emotionally and perhaps all together. they do come back to you as they mature but dont risk that. womens aid can help – id educate the kids too and make sure they know belittling people especially the other parent is not acceptable at all. make them see this for what it is -it is emotional abuse. with your partner that is a tricky one all i can say is go with your gut – it depends if he lives with you or not – would he stick around if you put the brakes on the relationship for abit? my new partner is here with us – but weve definitely had our ups and downs we had to go no contact with my ex and my eldest for a number of years xx not sure if this helps but thats my experience xx diymum

    • #73594
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Hi

      Thank you diymum for your reply. It is comforting to know I am not the only one going through this. Did you have to seek relationship counselling privately or were you referred by someone. Also, you said Womensaid can help. Would I need to ring them to get some help/guidance?

      Many thanks xx

    • #73597
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there and welcome to the forum. My eldest daughter left in early teens to go and live with her dad. I never saw my oh(her step dad) as abusive just stricter than my ex, which considering I was the badcop in that relationship I totally understand where you are coming from. Kids play up not just because of changing hormones, which was what i put my daughter’s moods down to, but because they can’t tell you how they’re feeling, either through fear or that they won’t be believed. I was so in love with my oh that i wouldn’t see what she was trying to show me. Even when she told me he’d tried to drown him.Even when my son had bruises, torn pjs,I never saw what was right in front of me.
      If your new partner doesn’t live with you, great, but if he does make out that you really love him, but you need a break from all the chaos going on. Don’t let him persuade you that the kids are winning. If he leaves, you stay over at his, he doesnt come back to yours, wait and see how the kids behave. Things won’t change over night, but they will start to relax and feel safer in their home.💜
      Get in touch with women’s aid, they’ll help you see through the FOG created by living in an abusive relationship.(fear,obligation and guilt) if you Google it, it’ll make some sense out of a crazy situation. Have you spoken to your doctor yet too. Between your ex and your new partner thru are making you feel you’re going crazy. They are both abusive in their own ways. Has any of them used the fact that you taje meds against you? I was on them in the beginning of my relationship with my oh, he was always telling me I want seeing things clearly as they were clouding my thinking yet when I came off them he’d say I was crazy(he was gaslighting by this time, hiding things, taking money, saying I’d said I’d do something, then when I hadn’t done it, cos he’d never asked in the first place, he’d accuse me of going crazy and that I should go back on the tablets) sometimes we need something extra, I wish I could take them but I’m so aware of what he does I don’t want to dull what’s going on, to become compliant in order to survive this marriage.
      A wee end not, sometimes we have to let those we love go, in order for them to see what we’ve been trying to shield them from. Both my children hate my OH BUT they also have no time for their own dad now as they understand why I couldn’t live with him. But they’ve been so damaged emotionally and mentally in the process, I wish I’d left my oh before we got married and bought a house. Just brought the kids up on my own. I fell for the lies that they’ll leave and make their own way in the world and you’ll never see them, but I never really see them as it is. And when I do it’s still in secret!
      I think if I’d known of WA way back in the beginning I’d not be with my husband, as it is, knowing what he is has hit me like a tonne of bricks but I’m getting there. Each day I get stronger with the more knowledge I’m learning. Each day I get emotionally more distant from him and he notices but there’s nothing he can do that will make me feel an ounce of compassion or love to him anymore.
      Keep posting my friend, keep reading others posts, put plans in place. You’ll get there, no matter how long the journey you’ll get there💜💜

      IWMB 💕💕

    • #73598
      [email protected]
      Participant

      hi no your not alone at all – its horrible because of the family dynamics it is very hurtful but youll get there 🙂 we have a drop in centre in the city – its trauma therapy were going for that individually and then we will work on our relationship together(once thats complete)then through a private relationship counsellor. i recently bought her books on DV – so she read livimg with the dominator and why does he do that – the penny has dropped for us both and hopefully we can restore what was torn down xx

      womens aid have childrens/teens workers so they can explain to the kids without you getting to involved – hearing it from them might sink in even more. yeh you can call them they come out to see you or you can go to see them – the freedom programme is good not sure if kids can go to that – it might be worth asking.

      remember the old saying bloods thicker than water – keep your family close – they will thank you one day for educating them in this it stands them in good stead to avoid manipulitive people and they know youve got their back xx diymum

    • #73694
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      Uff…it sounds like you are doing a lot of work. I would imagine that if I am going to have another relationship he would give, not take. After two abusive relationships I am out of candy. I can’t give no more.
      Rethink your relationship carefully, you want an equal one this time.
      Maybe that’s what your son is trying to communicate to you. He can still communicate it with respect though, instead of black-mailing you, sharing his concerns in a respectful manner.
      The suggestion – family counseling – from dyi sounds the way to go, try that.
      All the best

    • #73994
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Thank you all. I have spoken with my sons school and they are going to put through a TAMS referral. Hopefully this will be a positive step forward.

      I think I am going to have to give my current relationship some serious thought. I am worried that the trust may have gone. I’ve caught him out on a few ‘little’ lies, and it is now making me doubt him. I am finding myself questioning him, and asking leading questions to try to determine whether he is telling me the truth. I know if I continue I’ll push him away, but can’t seem to help myself at the moment.
      Not sure whether being in an abusive relationship in the past has made me less tolerant to things, but I’m finding it a bit hard at the moment.

    • #74009
      [email protected]
      Participant

      Without trust you have no foundation to build on 😟xx go with your gut Martham oo, what is it saying? Reading the above my gut is telling me (although this is hard) I’d put the new relationship to the side and concentrate on the kids. It won’t actually do him any harm to assert yourself either in the new relationship. It shows the kids you’ve got control over your life and you’ve got there best interests uo there. I’m a great believer in you reap what you sow. I hope your ok it’s not a nice situation to be in but you’ll get there xx luv diymum xx

    • #74224
      FreePickles
      Participant

      I’ve got a similar issue. The kids dad continuously undermined my attempts to discipline them. Telling them they don’t need to listen to me or do what I say. As a result they have no structure or discipline now. I’m trying and failing to change things. I feel like I don’t know how to parent them.
      Dad has now passed away but I’m still dealing with this.

    • #74231
      [email protected]
      Participant

      Have a look at the book why does he do this the second one its about encouragement and child rearing with DV in the background its really helpful xx diymum

    • #74232
      [email protected]
      Participant

      by lundy Bancroft sorry xx

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