Fear the past will catch up with me

[focusonfreedom]

Hi I am new to expressing my thoughts and feelings, but need to, as they are keeping me up at night. I have left my abuser for (detail removed by moderator), but still, the shameful guilt of what I was led to do is driving me insane. I know I am stronger now because I am free from torment and put back in the same situation I would not agree to the sexual abuse experiences that I did agree to when in a state of fear along with being controlled by emotional abuse and feeling worthless about myself. I was vulnerable, had small children and feared for their safety if he got mad at me for not performing his fantasies. Also feared for my safety and knew if I did not perform on queue it would mean the next days were hell until i participated. The reason I am writing this is for advice. There is evidence lurking in the house from the performances I was subject to. He is such a twisted person I feel that they are still there for his amusement. What happens when something happens to him and my kids have to clear the house. They will find them and will lose the respect they have for me as a mother. Do I tell them? They are adults now.

 

 

[Escapee]

Please know you are not alone in this. I too was put through sexual stuff too and the shame associated with it. I would like to call them a few choice words but I know they’ll be edited…..I’m sure you’re with me on this one.

If your children understand that your relationship with their father was not healthy and one of them is very supportive of you, you could tell them the VERY bare bones of the situation and ask them to please destroy everything without looking at them.

There may be some legal road you may be able to take?? I’m not sure about this.

I’m pretty sure we are not alone in this situation. Sexual coercion is more common than we care to admit. Xx

[Bettertimesahead]

Hi. I too had sexual abuse. He was obsessed with taking photos too which unfortunately one of my adult children has seen some of. We have discussed the control side and it has in some ways helped. I’m at the start of what is likely to be a v messy divorce. My ex is not in house at present and on bail for a non abuse offence. One of the first things I did was bag up all the weird clothes, toys etc and bin them .

[Escapee]

Oh gosh! Me too! I couldn’t get rid of all that stuff fast enough! It was such a relief to get it all out of my home! If there’s one thing I’m really angry with him about it is stealing my sensuality and comfort with sexual intimacy.

[focusonfreedom]

Thanks for the advice, it made me feel I was not the only one. It pains me and night time thoughts are over whelming. My kids know the control he had, I think I will tentatively discuss this situation. Thanks. Also what a great idea to tell them not to look if they found anything. The distress of just wanting him to stop going on at me for not performing just made me want to get it out of the way and go along with his disgusting obsession. I am out of the house so have no control over his possessions but if anything happened to him I would be in there to clear away evidence. I fear legal sides but when I am stronger will confront him to extinguish what does not need to be seen or found.

I agree the thought of another sexual relationship haunts me, when you fall easily into a trap. I worry for my daughters, but we are good communicators and at least I can recognise some signs because of remembering how I was so unable to function in life.

Very much appreciate comments, this is a magical forum and connection with others is wonderful.

[Escapee]

Remember that it is also illegal for them to do anything with any photos or video they may have. They would be guilty of distributing pornography at the very least.

[Bettertimesahead]

I too feel anger at agreeing to do certain things to keep the peace etc but we do what is needed at the time. I am just grateful hes not here now as that side of our relationship was ramping up and I am sure it would have escalated

[focusonfreedom]

When it’s in the past it is easy to feel anger at what I did, because now it is so obviously a violation. But I have to keep reminding myself, at that moment, for me, there was no choice involved. Thanks for the reminder bettertimesahead.

[Camel]

The shame is his, not yours. Would you be more forgiving of yourself if you’d been in a dodgy cult? Or a hostage victim?

It’s probably worth remembering that no child wants to imagine their parents having any kind of sex so the reality is they’ll quickly bin anything without looking too closely.

It’s probably worth checking out the legal situation. You don’t have to do anything with the knowledge but having it will make you feel less powerless.

You’re not alone x

[Wiseafter]

Although it might be uncomfortable for your daughter to learn about what you went through to get by in an abusive relationship (you don’t need to go into detail) I’m sure she will understand that you had no choice at the time. The main thing is for you to be able to feel in control of your life now, and speaking about it with someone you trust will take the fear out of the situation. I think it is illegal for him to ever share, or use material to shame you but getting legal advice is a really good idea. I believe that knowing the facts helps you feel more in control and rest easier. You have been through enough already and deserve to be able to sleep easy.x

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