Feel angry/confused/trapped

[Tuppance]

Hi
My husband took our two kids for (detail removed by Moderator) days away which according to the secret texts from my son, was horrible but obviously my husband said all was ok. He has hardly spoken to me since I picked them up from the airport yesterday. So he has decided to have time off at home for a few days which just means he loiters. So today he was asking what I want to do. I just want to do what the kids want to do and so nothing was decided. He popped out for a while and my girl said she wanted to go campin so we have spent the day setting the tent up. He came back all are set because he had been excluded, he said, I told him he wasn’t – we just decided to do this but he still sulked off and told our son he was a fifth wheel. So we all carried on with our plans. He came back and I said to him ‘ why don’t you want to do it, it’s not about is, it’s about the kids’ and he just looked at me over his glasses in a funny way and ignored me so I went off with my girl and we bought me a sleepin bag and some bits. When we came back he was all interested again in what we were doing and wanted to know where he was sleeping in the tent but I didn’t buy him anything and I told him that because he didn’t want to do it. I didn’t say I didn’t want to – is what his reply was. It’s like he is playing with my head so now I have done all this organising and he will tag along at the last minute and we will be a ‘happy family’ again. Why can he not be consistent? He has organised to do something with his mates(detail removed by Moderator)without seeing if we wanted to do anything so it is one rule for him, as usual. And one for the rest of us. Additionally I can’t speak to him about what happened on holiday with the kids as my boy has sworn me to secrecy but if what my boy said was right then it is further examples of his abuse which I am so cross about. He even discussed my ‘odd behaviour’ with our boy and said it was because I needed to get back to work, to do a proper job. My gosh !! I have never had any time off for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years of working life – not even maternity leave which HE denied me. I am so tired and although I reduced my hours, I only actually packed work up in (detail removed by Moderator). Why is he discussing me like that with our boy. I know our boy knows Hingis aren’t right. I feel all mixed up and a little lost today. It’s easy to fight for myself when he is being a plonker but not when he puts in displays of live and fun to the kids. Big sighs ….. Sorry – just needed to have a rant xxxx

[Tuppance]

Apologies for all the typos – a bit hard to post on the phone xx

[KIP.]

You’re feeling exactly how he wants you to feel. Angry trapped and confused. That is what abusers do. They constantly change the goal posts to give themselves an excuse to abuse you. Don’t bother trying to work him out. You need to separate and stop playing happy families. He’s trying to draw you back in. He will abuse you via your children by making snide comments. This isn’t going to change. In fact it’s going to get worse. You won’t win any arguments. He will just twist it all round on you. You don’t have to defend or explain yourself on here. I worked hard all my life before we married. He stopped me working then would throw it in my face by telling me to,get a job. It doesn’t make sense. It’s dysfunction at its best X

[KIP.]

It’s like having a great big dangerous child. My ex used to say he was below the dog in the pecking order!

[Tuppance]

Thanks KIP. I really do despair . It is childish behaviour at best, pathetically sad at worst. Like a spoilt petulant child. If I behaved anywhere near like he is behaving i would soon be told. I am fed up having to pander to his preciousness. Xx

[Escaped not free]

I had an almost identical incident with my ex shortly before I got out. I was taking the kids skiing (detail removed by moderator), asked if he wanted to come, which his reply was, “how can I do that!?!? I’m working!!!”. He’s self employed and takes time off to do things whenever it suits him. So in light of this I found a deal in a hotel, very good deal for four people as he had said he couldn’t come. I booked it. There was then four days of horrible barrating about how I’d intentionally excluded him, how I’d created a situation to make him more of an outsider….he used the word outsider a lot as when he was horrible to us we would keep out of his way. Then when we were away sent all sorts of messages saying how much he misses us and wished he was there, how if I’d asked him to take time off work he would have. I loved those nights away. (detail removed by moderator) nights of peace. Don’t react. It’ll get you nowhere, just go on without him. He doesn’t need you to organise him to go, he’s a grownup if he wants to go he can sort himself out. Then when I came back from the trip the traffic was awful, we were late getting back due to traffic, I needed to drop my kids off at their dads and I had a car full of wet ski wear to sort out. Then it started again, because I didn’t telepathically know he “needed” me to go for tea with him and his son so he knew I cared I was excluding him again. It’s a total mind f***. Don’t let it stop u doing this stuff. Keep being the fun carefree parent who doesn’t do this to the kids. It will be better for them. Good luck! Xxxx

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