Feel compared to his ex

[Pears2021]

I feel like everything I say or do is fed back to his family, including arguments. I feel like they hate me, think I’m mad, etc. He has told me that his family and friends have said to him why is he with me, I’m nothing like his ex, I’m a plain jane, etc. She’s probably more glam than me and I do dress quite conservatively, but I’m no plain jane. But I am hurt by all of this. I do feel constantly compared. I have quite old fashioned ‘boring’ hobbies and he says that his family say why’s he doing that, that’s not him. Yes, I’m a little weird. But I’m feeling very low in confidence and very low in general.
I’ve now lost all my family and friends. So all I have is him. I feel like I’m dragging him down in life, and this has been said to me and about me. We argue and he will take the house key off me. I feel very insecure. I daren’t talk to anyone in case they do a safeguarding on me. E.g. can’t see a GP for my mental health in case they ask why I’m feeling like this, what’s going on.
I feel not good enough. I said I will go into emergency accommodation to do him a favour but he says no.
I feel that I’m not allowed to go anywhere, even talk to strangers, at least without his approval first.

[ISOPeace]

I’m sorry you’re going through this Pears2021. It sounds like your partner is very controlling and has isolated you from friends/family.

Abuse is about control. Putting you down, comparing you to others, saying his family wonder why he’s with you, they are all part of how he is controlling you. He’s trying to make you feel useless, weak and lucky to have him. Abusers want us to feel like everything is our fault and we’re not good enough. They want us to feel responsible for their happiness so that we spend our lives bending over backwards to do what they want. Again, it’s now they keep control over us. You’re not dragging him down, he’s dragging you down. What he’s doing is not ok and it’s not your fault.

I would recommend reading up on abuse to help make sense of things. I always recommend Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. You can find it free online.

I don’t think you have any safeguarding issues to worry about. If you’re not high risk of physical harm, they have no duty to do any referrals. When I spoke to my GP , there was no suggestion of any kind of safeguarding referral as I explained I wasn’t in fear of physical violence.

If you can, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, your local Women’s Aid, or try the live chat on Women’s Aid. You don’t deserve to live like this. You deserve to be treated with love and to be respected as a human being. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Camel]

Hi Pears,

I’m wondering if you realise that your partner is emotionally controlling and abusing you?

There is so much in your short post. Can you reach out to WA and speak to someone in confidence? Your partner has isolated you from any support so the only voice you’re hearing is his.

Please confide in your GP. I don’t see anything that is a safeguarding issue. What has made you worry so much about this? Has your partner said something?

You are not bringing him down. He is bringing you down.

[Author]

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