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    • #5846
      last one standing
      Participant

      who else as gone back to there ex just for 1 night then regret it the next morning? feel i let my self and daughter down he will feel he as the upper hand on me now (new to this)

    • #5852
      Amethyst15
      Participant

      Hi Polly,
      I imagine that this happens quite a lot more than we realise. Abusers manipulate us and play games as standard. They are also masters of coercion. I’ve been in your shoes where the ex has talked me into something only for me to walk away the next day and feel right back to square one and under his power. This leads to feelings of despair and wondering if you’ll ever be free. Yes it’s a setback but you can start back on the road today. You don’t have to live with this abuser. Regroup and get your strength. You need to cut contact so he can’t work his way round you. Abusers can do that as easy as breathing. Hope you can be strong and start again x

    • #5856
      Midnight Marbles
      Participant

      Hi Polly,

      I’m new to this too, speaking from still being in a relationship and struggling to leave. Your bravery is fab, try not to let one night spoil everything you’ve achieved so far (very very difficult I know)

      As said by Amethyst, going with no contact would be the best thing. What these men do to our minds is twisted and makes you feel good to be with them but maybe write all the horrible things that have happened so you can remind yourself if your tempted.

      Please don’t feel daft, I can’t even leave so youve definitely come a long way, just a little detour on your journey to recovery.

      MidnightMarbles xx

    • #5880
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      I did this too. My experience is different and might sound more crazy. I thought I was in control and felt strong enough. I made it clear it was because we felt a connection that Sunday night and it didn’t make everything right or mean we were getting back together. He wanted it and I did too so seemed futile to let it turn into another coercion situation. I said I was worried it was unfair on him even though it’s what he wanted. Giving him false hope of an early reconciliation. We haven’t been separated long and thought
      We wanted to see how the space helps rather than legally separate.
      I didn’t feel bad then next day we did it again but it felt more like just sex I felt disconnected. From then he stopped pressuring me and seemed like it had settled him down but I felt like it was the calm before the storm or now he’d had his way he was all powerful, and I felt unsure of everything again. Then 2 days he was demanding again and then Sunday night I didn t eat with them when he was spending time with our girls as I had the week before. I had allowed him to ruin my weekend and needed to keep my head space. I came back in evening and he didn’t leave, at 1 ish he wanted a kiss and cuddle. He was so angry when I said no he ranted at me stomped round the house gathering his stuff ranted again and I stayed calm I couldn’t say anything that wouldn’t make it worse but inside I was thinking I set myself up for this one. He left slamming the door. Things have deteriorated from there. But however I deal with the coercion attempt it’s still the same outcome. The run up to that first Sunday I kept telling him no and trying to explain why and he still tried to make me feel like I was cruel for withholding affection. Then got angry and eventually when it wasn’t getting him anywhere left angrily.
      And at least I know now it’s not going to help anyone so I won’t fall into that trap again.

    • #5883
      Inneedofsomepeace
      Participant

      Someone once told me most women go back on average 7times before they leave for good I wouldn’t beat yourself up. I ofton would ask him to leave and then take him back the same day! These men know how to manipulate the situation. In the end I had to remove myself and the children from the situation and move to a refuge. it was the only way I was going to break free. As many other ladies will tell you no contact is the only way although I struggle with this. Stay strong and keep posting

    • #5888
      Clare
      Participant

      I’m in a very similar situation to you ladies, trying to leave (or should I say get him to leave) but not managing it completely. Going back to him, not managing to stay no contact. It’s a relief that I’m not the only one. I can’t even fully explain why I still talk to him, I guess it must be out of habit and needing to rebuild my social circle.

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