Feel I’ve left it too late to try and start new life

[Winterpansy]

I feel I’ve left it too late to begin again. I’m now (detail removed by moderator) and only just left abusive husband. I have left and gone back many times but this time I’m away for good. No going back. The trouble is I’ve had to move area. The only place I could go to is my daughters house but it’s hours away by car. It’s a new area and I’m feeling very lonely. My daughter works through the day and stays with her boyfriend most nights. I was going to bring my little dog up here with me but she died the week before I left. I’m devastated. I feel I’ve lost my home, my way of life, my friends. I know no one up here. I’m lost. I’m going through a divorce. He will make out there’s no money I know he will. All I want to do is move back to the area I love. I kept in going back to husband because I’ve felt useless and lonely on my own. Scared too of the big wide world. Lost without his protection. I feel I’ve left it too late now. I’m too old to start over. Whatever shall I do. I have no confidence at all. I’m sometimes too scared to leave the house. I have counselling starting a week today. Maybe that will help. I just feel I’ve lost everything I ever held dear and can’t see a future for myself.

[maddog]

You sound so overwhelmed, Winterpansy. To have managed to leave is brilliant of you. I am sorry to hear about your dog. It is devastating to lose a family member, no matter what species. The road is rocky indeed, but you are on it, and making steps in the right direction.

I have been listening to lots of youtube things about leaving abusive relationships. The word co-dependency crops up again and again. Listening to it in the context of why we often stay for so long in abusive relationships takes the sting out of the word.

I hope you have real life specialist support. Women’s Aid are brilliant and can refer you on to all sorts of things to help you along. The Blue Cross have a bereavement support line 0800 096 6606.

Divorce is horrible.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Winterpansy

So sorry for your loss, and how life has to be in order to avoid being abused is shocking.

I’m sick to the back teeth of all these abusive men not having to face any consequences whatsoever for their crimes against women and children, whilst women have to destroy any life they had just to be safe. It’s so wrong.

Your post broke my heart Winterpansy, I am alone now, I don’t know anyone here; I also would only get some peace in my life by moving far away.

I have never lived this far away happily because there is something intrinsic it feels to my happiness where I moved from and its gone until he moves or dies.

I just want to be left alone, which is not exactly conducive to meeting and making new friends as I can’t trust anyone now.

Do you think that you might find a new doggie companion? I know its ver soon, but you wouldn’t be replacing your dear little dog, that’s just not possible, but having a new little life in your life could make a huge difference to your focus?

I too often ask myself what the point is of leaving just to still live like you’re still there but without any friends or familiarity around.

I find ways to distract myself from the nightmare that I have exchanged for the nightmare I left behind.

I think mine has come from the abusive govt. systems of benefit, CMS, support, even dentists!

The whole thing is so overwhelming for me now.

This is very early days for you, and you are right in the midst of a time of huge adjustment for you.

It’s also quite a shock coming out of the chaos that’s in an abusive relationship, to space, freedom, peace and quiet, especially carrying your bereavement love.

Give yourself time, and try to do some nice things for yourself, it can feel impossible to focus on what you enjoy, after many years of only considering everyone else, especially him and his consequences.

I remember going to refuge in the same way you describe, as somehow flat and empty, lacking, and lost. We had somewhere to be but nothing of our life left.

Maybe it’s like bereavement in that eventually you will find ways of getting in touch with yourself and your pleasures in life, building some MW friendships, carefully to avoid any further abuses.

There are many clubs and societies out there, but hats if you’re able to be in social settings.

I’m so glad you are away from his abuses, but sorry for the cost to you, and hope that this space you can use to find you again.

Warmest wishes ts

[Tiffany]

It’s never too late. He wasn’t a victim of abuse, but my Grandfather moved hundreds of milea to live closer to my parents in his 90’s. He quite frankly doesn’t have the most sociable disposition, but has still made a number of fruends who visit him regularly and between them and the ckubs he attends his social life is busier than it was in his old home, where he had lived for over 20 years.

It’s going to take a bit of time, but you will integrate into your new surroundings. Maybe try abd find a club doing something you enjoy? But don’t be disheartened if it isn’t the right one for you. I have been to lots over the years. Some work, some don’t. Keep yourself busy, and be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot recently. Things will get better though.

[Lisa]

Hi Winterpansy,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be. It is never too late to start over, whatever age we are. After escaping an abusive relationship you deserve to feel safe. I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your dog, they truly are a member of our family. As others mentioned you could look into getting another companion or maybe you could volunteer as a dog walker?

There are lots of survivors that have felt like you do. Your local domestic abuse service should run support groups which is an opportunity to meet other women.

You could also call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Calls are answered by trained female support workers and they can talk things through.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

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