Feel like a Failure

[Bonnie]

Been with my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years, the past couple of years haven’t been good. He drinks a lot at the weekend and gambles on online apps but won’t give them up. He is emotionally abusive to me, constantly calls me names and puts me down and has screaming rages at me. (detail removed by Moderator) ago I had enough and had consultation with solicitor but chickened out of going thru with it, he told me he’d get help, wanted things to work etc and i agreed to give it another go, god knows why. Things have got 100% worse, I’m scared of talking half the time as (detail removed by Moderator) ago I was talking to him about something or nothing and he completely lost it, he was screaming I’m my face, he kicked foot off (detail removed by Moderator) and knocked (detail removed by Moderator) off wall, he’s constantly threatening to kill himself, says he has depression but won’t get help, blames me for everything, i nag him, my tone of voice is wrong when I speak to him. I’m a nervous wreck half the time. I’m scared of him and dont want to be with him. I’m worried as we have joint mortgage and bank account, how do I get the courage to leave again and divorce him. I feel a failure as I didn’t go thru with it last time, I know I don’t want to be with him so why can’t I find the courage to end it once and for all.

[Eggshells]

You’re not a failure at all. Many women really struggle to make the break. It is so much harder to leave an abusive relationship than it is to leave a normal one. There are lots of reasons for this, trauma bonding, low self esteem, co-dependrncy.

Leaving is a scary business but you are moving in the right direction. Everyone on the forum will tell you the same thing.

Different ladies prepare in different ways. Hopefully, lots of survivors will be abkevtp tell you how they did it and it might help you work out the best way forward.

I prepared by:
Contacting my local DA support charity who gave me a keyworker.
Spending lots of time on the forum,
Secretly going through all of our belongings to find precious souvenirs of the children’s childhood and storing them with friends and relatives.
Stockpiling household goods such as toaster, non perishable foods and cleaning materials and storing them with the same friends andcrelatives.
Making a safe exit plan with my keyworker.
Finding somewhere to rent ahead of time.
Securing funds from our joint assets.
Keeping a small suitcase packed ready for a quick getaway if necessary (passport, birth certificate, marriage certificate, NI number were all kept in the suitcase.

I found that this practical prep helped me to prepare mentally and emotionally.

I hope this might give you some ideas. xx

[Bonnie]

Thank you. I have applied for separate bank account so that I can put funds from our joint bank account. We have a joint mortgage so I don’t know if I could leave and rent privately? I am just so scared to make the next move as I don’t know what he will do, I guess I don’t have much confidence at the moment, I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me, i dont want this life with him. I feel really alone. I will find out who my local
DA suppourt charity is, would they help me as it’s emotional abuse I’m geting?

[Blueskies3]

Hi,
Having a joint mortgage will not prevent you from renting privately, I have done it.
I can relate to a lot of what you have said, I don’t want to be with him and wish I could find the courage to leave once and for all. I have previously gone to the trouble and expense of renting and furnishing a flat , only to return.
I don’t feel in a position to offer advice, but take care and good luck x

[Author]

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