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I actually feel like I am going mad. My husband left me in (detail removed by Moderator) last year. I was unaware and he did it while I was at work. He told me it was because I was abusive and controlling. I agreed to get some counselling to deal with my behaviours. I was shouty and didn’t like spending time in the family home. I saw a couple of therapists and after I explained the situation they told me it was possibly reactive abuse.
He has a very long history of using woman as a weapon towards me. He has also had many affairs. He also has a history of spending lots of money including loans and not worry about paying he mortgage or buying food. He spent (detail removed by Moderator) of our savings once and couldn’t show me anything for it. He has PTSD (detail removed by Moderator) and he has used this for many years as an excuse not to do things such as spend time with my family or friends or go to do the shopping.I was also stopped from doing anything without him. He has also on many occasions taken over doses and made attempts on his life. Only 2 of these have been in front on me one was very recent (detail removed by Moderator). He often has threatened to kill himself if I make him leave when I find out about his lies, infidelity or that he’s on a dating site. He lies so much I don’t think he even knows the truth any more.
The next bit I find very hard to explain because its been so subtle but everything I do or did had to be because I had thought about what he wanted first so that I didn’t set him off. I walked on egg shells for years and I guess in (detail removed by Moderator) I had just had enough after I found out about another affair. I don’t know how many he has had but at a guess (detail removed by Moderator). It turns out he has consistently been on dating websites since (detail removed by Moderator). I was just too scared to leave him. This time it turns out he has been living with someone since (detail removed by Moderator). But he keeps pulling me back in with sweet emails or texts promising to change and get therapy. He has come back 3 times but always quickly returns to her. We have children so I have been careful to only have email contact at times and asked him not to contact me unless it is about them. He just pushes his way back in. ~He hasn’t come back to the house he has a flat which he pays for although he doesn’t live there. No-one knows about his new GF and he’s been taken in by her family completely.
He has over the years physically and sexually abused me which I haven’t recognised until now. I suppose I doubt myself because he tells me still I am the abuser and in the wrong and I also wonder why I am so willing to have him back every time. when I know he’s been so horrible. There is a pull which I can not seem to let go of.
I am currently looking at non-molestation because any communication he uses to get to me but because I don’t really have threats and the physical violence was a few months back it looks like its unlikely. Even though I have evidence to show he is contacting me for reasons other than the children to draw me in. I feel like people think I should be over this now and they almost view me as the wife who can’t let go of the husband who’s found someone else. But I do try not to speak or see him he just always contacts me promising to be better. This is literally consuming my life. I am having panic attacks and nightmares and I am really scared as to what he might do next. But I also worry maybe I am making this bigger than it actually is and maybe I am the abuser!!Sorry a ramble but I have no idea where to start x*x -
Hi Wispatea, I wanted to say that you are not the abuser. You wouldn’t be on here if you were as you wouldn’t care… you sound caring and empathetic, something your partner will use against you.
Have you contacted your local womans aid? They can support you… also your GP so you can log the abuse, even from some months ago. The book living with the Dominater by Pat Craven is an insightful read of the different types of abusers, helps you recognise patterns of abuse as well.
Keep posting, you are in the right place as yes, your husband has been gaslighting you for some time, saying it is you who is the abuser is very typical of these men (mine said the same).
Sending you love and strength ❤
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He’s having his cake and eating it by keeping you where he wants you, yet being in another relationship. These men often have two or more women ‘on the go’, for many reasons – constant (and backup) supply, entitled views over women. You’re not the abuser, that’s pretty clear just from one post, reacting to something that’s upset you is human and boy do these men know how to push us to get a strong reaction – which they can twist and throw back at us.
They promise us the world, but what helped me was to look back over his old messages. I realised it’s the same message & promises each time but never the actions to back them up (or if he did it didn’t last), so if you haven’t already then ignore his words and watch his behaviour.
You have to talk due to the kids but ‘grey rock’ him on anything else. It doesn’t feel natural to non-abusers/nice ppl to do this but it’ll protect you long term. Don’t feel bad about slipping back to him, it takes time and practice to break his training, but as you know you deserve better xx
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