Feel like I’ll never get the light back.

[bov94]

Having a bad day and just need to vent. Even if I don’t get any replies writing my thoughts down on days like this can help.

I’ve left my relationship and processing things. My previous posts will give a bit of insight. I came to a realisation recently that my light has completely gone. I look back on pictures of me from before the abuse started or at least got worse. I think about how my personality used to be. I am a completely different person, and have been this ‘lesser’ version of myself  for so long I can’t see I will ever get myself back. It makes me so sad for my children, who I feel don’t know the real me as the abuse started before they were born. Their needs are met, I love so much and they are probably the only reason I am still here, but I feel so guilty that they  are not getting the best version of me. I don’t want them to remember me as a tired, sad, shouty mum. I just don’t know where to start with getting better.

[Texas]

I hear you.

Having been out myself for quite a while now, I can promise you that you will find yourself again.  Your light will shine brighter then ever before, and you will have a new strength that will never let anyone dim it again.  Ever.

[bov94]

Thank you. Just being told ‘I hear you’ is so powerful! Glad you have your light and strength, it gives me hope!

[Sunflower1]

I hear you too, I want to be relaxed and fun, instead I’m still stressed, have anxiety that takes over my whole body and living in fear. I know one day I will get back to myself but it will take time. For now though the kids are living without fear of arguments of abuse and that’s enough. You need to give yourself some time, you are probably still processing everything and just surviving, that’s how I feel anyway, just get through each day. One day at a time. X

[bov94]

Hi Sunflower, thank you for hearing me and sharing your experience. I hear you too, about simply surviving for now. That’s definitely what I am doing too. I never realised being kind to yourself was something so difficult to do! I put my kids to bed every night and just sit here crying or blaming myself for letting everything happen.

[Littlepixie]

I feel exactly the same. I left several months ago. I have no interest in anything & just want to hide away. I’m struggling to even make dinners & clean the house. I feel so bad as my daughter told me the other day she got upset in school & was crying to her teacher & year head. As well as having no relationship with her Dad she is studying (specific detail removed by Moderator).
Sending you love and let’s try & get through the holidays  xx

[bov94]

Sorry to hear about your experience too Littlepixie. I just wish for all of us that it didn’t get harder after leaving. I could never say this out loud to anyone else but the grief I’m feeling is worse than when I lost my dear Dad. It’s just so complicated! Tough night tonight for us all I expect. Sending love and strength.

[survivorabuse]

I was devastated when I lost my wonderful dad in (year removed by Moderator).  I thought my heart would never be the same and it isn’t. I still miss him even though it will be (number removed by Moderator) years in (month removed by Moderator).

My heart goes out to you

[Texas]

Littlepixie just know I hear you too x

[survivorabuse]

I just wanted to add when I first left my ex, me and the kids were in our new kitchen and I put the radio on and we all started singing and dancing in the kitchen and my children said mummy’s smiling and I realised we were happy just on our own.  It was just those 2 words that made me feel stronger and I was adamant we weren’t going back to him.  I ignored his pleas to go back and every time I said no I felt stronger and more in control and his tears just made me laugh

Try not to think of it as a race.  Good luck you are strong. All of us ladies are

[Author]

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