Feel like I’m being sucked back in

[Lavender01]

I found the strength with the help of friends and family to leave my ex for the (detail removed by moderator) time, he kept going on benders during my first pregnancy and still very soon after I suffered a miscarriage. He would lie about when he was coming home and would leave me in his house which was far away from my friends and family wondering when he would be home when I needed his support the most. He would call me a s**t if I wanted to go to a rugby club to see a band as he’d say they are full of men. He made me get out his house at (detail removed by moderator)in the morning after he had been binge drinking as I wasn’t giving him affection to the point I slept in my car for a few hours until I knew he was passed out so I could come back in. He has restrained me saying it was to calm me down as I was acting crazy and shouted in my face until I have got out of his house. He would withhold affection if he felt I was acting like a child or being horrible to him by leaving me cry all night on my own until the morning when he would be his charming self again. Right now he is saying he is sorry he has got rid of the bad influences in his life he has been ringing me crying saying he’s never felt so low and he just wants me back, almost making me feel guilty that he is on his own now. He has said he wants to know if I will be moving back in with him so he knows he’s fighting for the right reasons but I cannot think of putting myself back in that environment so far from my support network where I felt unsafe sometimes. I’m really confused as I feel he is promising me the world and I feel like he’s giving me the attention of feeling like I’m wanted by him even though I’ve left so many tines it’s really playing with my mind. I feel sorry for him thinking he has issues and needs help and deep down I know he’s just this lost person who needs love and does love me but I can’t help feel this is him just trying to hoover me back in? Really down at the moment and confused.

 

[bringbacktheoldme]

Hi Lavender, Sorry to hear about your situation. When he was calling you names and wanting you to get out of the house, was he under the influence of alcohol? I ask this because a family member of mine had this same issue and her partner had anger issues when he had had a drink. If this is the case and his alcoholism was encouraged by a circle of friends then you can at least pinpoint where the source of the issue is and by reading your post he has recognised this himself too however alcoholism is an illness and the person with it can be awful when the have been drinking but a completely different person when sober. Do you know if he has looked into getting any help for his drinking? as if he isn’t I would not even consider it giving him any chances again because without the right kind of help and support nothing will change.

[Lavender01]

Hi bringbacktheoldme thank you for sharing that with me, unfortunately this wouldn’t be just under the influence of alcohol he has called me names like rat, dog, s**t, and grabbed me to get out his house aswel as throwing my things for me to get out without any alcohol use. The benders were like a final straw I suppose for me for the amount of disrespect and how I would feel intimidated by him pushed me. I agree that he has a bad circle of friends who have nothing else to do that go to the pub for hours on end or go in each other’s houses drinking and whatever else for 2 to 3 days at a time. He went on a binge (detail removed by moderator) because he said I rejected him by leaving him it just makes me feel guilty but I have tried and tried. We have our amazing times like everyone else he takes me loads of places and we have fun days out and days in but when he switches it’s like there is no emotion or care love anything towards me. I feel broken.

 

[Wants To Help]

Hi Lavender,

I totally get how you are feeling and where you are coming from. You are in conflict with your own thoughts. You know you have done the hard work and broke away from him, but now he is hurting and saying all the right words to pull at our emotions, we are considering whether THIS time he really means what he says and if we go back THIS time, then MAYBE things will be better. We are still living in HOPE.

However, I believe you also know that if you go back things won’t be any different, that’s why you have posted on here so you can get some support to confirm your thoughts. You are absolutely right, he is trying to suck you back in because he is lonely and he can’t cope on his own. He would treat you terribly, abuse you, ignore your needs, made you feel awful, but the truth is, you are the strong one and can do perfectly well without him in your life, he is the weak one who can’t function without a woman.

His issues are HIS issues. He needs to take ownership of them and get some help for them, if he wants to. You can’t make him better and try and fix him, but that’s what us women do. We think if we are there for him, love him, support him etc then we can make him better and he will overcome his issues and he will love us for helping him and we will both be happy. But we know from experience this is not the case.

Stay true to yourself and stay strong. You left him for a reason and that reason is still the same, it is just buried under the lies he is giving you at this time. Continue to read up on the Cycle of Abuse and be prepared for the suicide threats that may come next if you don’t go back to him. He may start to tell you how he can’t live without you and if he can’t have you then he’s nothing so he may as well kill himself. You may even get the text photo of the bottle of pills and the alcohol with a message that he’s ready (so many times I’ve seen that happen to ladies.) If it comes to that, don’t respond, just call 999 and let the Police know what he has threatened and they will go round as an emergency and do a ‘safe and well check’ on him. Would you believe the Police go to these calls EVERY DAY, mainly to find a perfectly healthy man who has no intention of taking his own life and feels quite embarrassed, usually saying his ex has totally misunderstood him or has made it all up!

So believe in yourself hun and don’t get sucked back in x

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Lavender01,
I’m new so I’m trying to tread carefully with what I say but I just wanted to let you know that right now I’m wishing and willing Strength to you.

I agree with what WantstoHelp has said.

I have read both from members on here and in self help books about going ‘No Contact’ with your perpetrator so that you can begin to recover and build strength. If you are unable to go ‘No Contact’ then to either have all contact through a solicitor, or trusted third party. I hope I’ve explained that right and that I make sense. The point being that right now your recovery is priority and you need space from your perpetrator to do so. I use the term perpetrator because that is their label and that is what they are.

I hope this comes across with the care and empathy that I feel towards you when reading your post.

All the very best to you Lavender01.

Soulsearcher18 xx

[Lavender01]

Hi thank you so much you are right I’m constantly battling with my own mind, he is saying that I seem content in mammy and daddy land and he needs a woman who is going to be in an adult relationship and move back in with him he says if I can’t forgive him what’s the point and when I bring up what he’s done to me he doesn’t want to hear it as he wants to move forward I am just in tears again as I feel patronised and pressured again. I feel he’s switching back to the horrible side of him because he’s not getting what he wants which is me back in his house.
I am so glad I have this forum it is really helping me I read it everyday and I will continue to do so I know I don’t deserve to be made to feel like this.

[Tickleribber]

You’re really so lucky to have friends and family who are supportive, that’s worth a lot, wish I had that!
I would t see him as a lost soul, for whatever reason these men can’t be nice for more than short periods of time, then as other ppl has written, you will be back to the same situation you were in before for sure.
so please do stay away and don’t talk to him, he’ll say whatever he needs to say to suck you back in (you can research “hoovering” which is what this is) and things never improve permanently, trust what everyone here is saying on that one.

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