10th April 2016 at 8:55 pm #13423
Hello. I’m sure a lot of you will probably think I’m over reacting and just being stupid as my husband doesn’t hit me or my child. But I’m so low, I feel like my spirit has been broken. After several years of constant belittling, putting me down and criticising I just feel worthless
Until he recently told me our marriage was over he was my carer as I am disabled. My illness has taken a lot of my independence away but so has he. He would deliberately not get me my pain medication so I’d go into withdrawal, leave me in bed for hours with no food or drink and snap at me for asking him to do something. But when I tried to do it myself or not ask, he’d have a go at me for not asking him for help
He pretends he hasn’t said or done things to make out like I’m crazy, but I started keeping a diary so I know he has. He says I’m no good at anything and that I’m boring and miserable and he’ll say really hurtful things but then say he’s only kidding, then gets angry at me for being too sensitive. Maybe I am too sensitive and not as much fun anymore? I don’t know. I used to be, and when I meet my girlfriends from my support group we laugh til our sides hurt.
He has taken my mobility scooter apart so I can’t use it and he takes my bank cards. He tries to control everything I do, the look on my face, my hair, what I say, how I say it. He said I’m hard to live with and I’m sure that’s true, I can be a bit quiet if I’m in pain and not much fun so I can’t blame him for wanting to leave me. He won’t leave our council house though and legally I can’t make him either. I have a child with special needs too so I’m utterly exhausted and I don’t want him to cotton on to any of this
Every day he speaks to me like dirt, so aggressive but he says I’m doing it to him and its me that’s talking down to him. I don’t even know I’m doing it, I try to think about what I’m going to say and my tone but I still upset him and make him angry. He told me I am crazy and also a waste of space, I don’t know how I can fix myself when I don’t know what I’m doing wrong
I’m sorry to go on, I’ll probably delete this anyway. I must sound so overly dramatic compared to the women on here who are being abused for real. I just don’t feel I can talk to anyone around me, he’s always there listening.
10th April 2016 at 10:20 pm #13427SerenityParticipant
You aren’t being over-dramatic in the least, and please don’t delete this post!
I lived with such emotional and mental abuse as you describe, and it is torturous and crucifying.
Domestic abuse doesn’t just mean physical abuse, but a whole host of other behaviours, many of which you describe.
By the way, him denying you medication / food/ drink and taking apart your mobility scooter apart IS physical abuse!
He sounds very controlling and cruel. Abusers typically mistreat those who they see as vulnerable or who they think will put up with their behaviour as they have no way of leaving and are dependent upon them). Therefore,ma users will deliberately go for someone that they see as. Up stable, or they will make them so within the relationship.
Abusers are typically lacking in empathy. I have an illness, and my ex had zero compassion for me. He also acted irritated and bored when or if my illness got bad, like I was just a pain in the backside. My ex also left me lying in bed seriously ill and without medical help.
They are power freaks. They see you as vulnerable, and go on a trip acting like they are God.
It isn’t that you aren’t fun. It’s that you don’t feel able to laugh in a relaxed manner and be yourself around an abuser. I used to giggle like a schoolgirl with my friends, and walked on egg-shells with my ex. He called our life colourless and grey and yes, it had become they with him- because he frightened and controlled us and tried to deny us everything.
Please don’t minimise this. He is doing you serious damage mentally, emotionally and physically. And abuse typically worsens over time. Please keep your log book as evidence in case you need it later on. His denying he said or did things is called ‘gaslighting’ and is typical of abusers.
Are you able to call Women’s Aid to ask for advice, or speak to someone at your support group? His behaviour is not helping you to keep well- in fact, he is threatening your health.
10th April 2016 at 10:41 pm #13430
Serenity thank you so much for your reply. I feel like I’m going crazy, one minute I think he is treating me badly then I blame myself for it. I haven’t called anyone as I thought my situation probably isn’t bad enough to warrant their help. After all there are women being beaten up and raped.
You’re right, I can have such a nice time and be really fun loving when I see the girls but back at home I’m on the edge of my nerves the whole time. He knows I have anxiety problem and will deliberately make me jump, the other night I was sat on the sofa reading a book on my iPad and he kicked my iPad so it hit my face, not hard to hurt me, but enough to make me jump. He says he’s just playing but I think it night be another way of him trying to break me
I so need him to go. I feel physically sick every day as I know he’s going to get angry and mouthy over something. (Removed by moderator) I was getting my night time meds and I dropped a pill and couldn’t bend to pick it up and he screamed at me for being a “stupid (removed by moderator)“
10th April 2016 at 10:43 pm #13431
Oh my god I’m so selfish, I didn’t even say how sorry I am to hear you went through such a horrible time. Are you okay now?
10th April 2016 at 11:10 pm #13433
Hi Malaya, I understand how you feel with the broken spirit. I have suffered emotional , verbal abuse and smashing my things. Ive only bee hit once but had things thrown at me. Emotional abuse is bad, I read some stories on here and think im no where near as badly off as some but it does affect you.
I have disabilites mine are emotioanl/mental phobias that make me dependant on my husband.
He has been so nasty and cruel to me many times when ive been ill. I once had (detail removed by moderator) many years ago and the GP said I must have 6 weeks rest and he said when she had gone why the F******* hell cant you look after yourself.
He hates me getting ill, he will be ok for a day then he gets so angry and put out.
I also suffered form endometriosis , severe period issues, he used to bring me a hot water bottle begrungingly and turn his back and just pass it to me with his back to me, ive been sobbing with pain at night and he had just turned his back and ignored me.
I once had a very bad (detail removed by moderator) water infection , I waw in awful pain and the only releif was to sit on toilet , he came in yelling at me, about my behavior ( in sitting on the toilet for ages ) , he was vile to me
Mine tells me im oversentive or mental or blowing things up out of all proportion and cant cope with life. You are being abused , not physically but very much emotionally and cruelty with your disabilites like mine does to me.
Stay on here for support.
Serentity I dodtnknow yo had an illness and that yo had sufferd cruleyt withut, itisso true they have no empathy , no sympahty or pattience at all, its allbaout them.
10th April 2016 at 11:23 pm #13434
Hello godschild. Thank you for your reply and I’m sorry you went through such a horrible time. Being ill and vulnerable is awful anyway, but to be treated like that is just cruel
My husband also loves to be extra helpful so he can show everyone what a top guy he is, and then constantly throw it back in my face. So I never know if I’m getting Florence nightingale or ted bundy. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he were horrible all the time as when he’s acting the loving husband I fall for it and lower my defences. That’s when he senses my vulnerability and bam! Horrible put downs, aggression and nastiness comes back
Are you still with your guy?
11th April 2016 at 12:30 am #13435
Yes im still with him, my disabilities make it that I cant leave, im very dependant on him. I know exactly what you mean by wishing they were horrible all the time, mine can be nice for a while but the abuse always comes back. I have been in that cycle of abuse for decades, I used to lower my defences and suppose was in denial of abuse,but had a very very bad (removed by moderator) weeks over christmas and I really realised how bad it is now, Im emotionally distant and cant carry on this cycle like I used to , it horrible when you realise how bad it is and your trapped. He canbe nice for a few hots and I really yearn for him then for have built such a wall up now I have to remind myself how horrible he will be the next day. I read book aboit a disabled lady that was abused her husband would not let her have a wheelchair and was phsically cruel to her which made her disabilty worse. When I first called the helpline they said there were other ladies with disabilities that were being abused.. Do you have any family or friends , Im pretty isolated, are you able to leave him is there anyone else that could be your carer, I have no
11th April 2016 at 4:54 am #13440AyannaParticipant
You are being very seriously abused. Actually, as a diasbled person you come under the safeguarding protocol of social services. You need to speak to them. They need to remove him from the property. Are you able to record him or secretly film him?
11th April 2016 at 9:22 am #13453SerenityParticipant
I was just thinking that this should come under the auspices of social services. Malaya, you are a vulnerable person who is being abused- I am sure they should be informed. However, you need advice on how to handle this: an abuser will step up the abuse if you stand up to them, and you need a safety and protection plan.
Thank you for asking, Malaya and Godschild: I have a painful illness which can be caused by a trauma such as a car accident, but can be brought on by a very stressful event. I am certain that being with him is what caused it. Although it may be lifelong, it is manageable if you work hard to control it, through proper diet, exercise, rest etc. But that’s just it: he wouldn’t let me rest. And made me so ill I couldn’t exercise for a few years. I am now back to running- when up to it- so that proves what being away from him does for my health!
Malaya- this is why your post struck a chord with me. My ex was cruel about my illness, yet he caused it, and he made it worse. He made cruel jibes about it, and comments that made me feel ugly and old. Well, I am having the last laugh. I jog, I go to the gym, I have my hair dyed, I eat healthily and, if I feel unwell with my condition, I go to bed early or go to the jacuzzi! Things he would never have approved of!
Malaya- my whole marriage was one illness after another, I think because of the abuse. He abandoned me once when I was having a full-blown asthma attack, he left me lying in bed with septicaemia, hours from death. They don’t care.
It’s time we all cared for ourselves and got these jerks away from us X
11th April 2016 at 10:58 am #13459
Ladies I’m sending you so much love now I really am
I’m going to the doctors (removed by moderator). He thinks it’s because (removed by moderator), but really it’s to tell my GP how things are and to get some help for my anxiety.
I completely relate to the abuse getting worse when we stand up to them. He never let me cut my hair and when I went (removed by moderator)! He’s furious. He’s being extra (removed by moderator) with me as I’m answering him back and telling him he’s being rude. He hates that. But I’ve gotta be careful I don’t push him too far s
(removed by moderator) gotta go
11th April 2016 at 11:03 am #13461
It’s too risky to be on here right now but I couldn’t leave without saying please get yourselves some support. I have a lady who works for me. If I can get him out I can get other support in to help me cope
But please don’t stay like that, you are worth so much more godschild
Serenity I love the way you are literally sticking two fingers up at him with the new you!
11th April 2016 at 8:59 pm #13508
Well he’s not stupid. He grilled me on why I went to the doctors, didn’t believe me. Said to me why do I get the impression you’re planning something to make me look bad
I’m worried that he might have seen something but my iPad is always with me and has password changed. I’m deleting emails as soon as I’ve read them so he can’t see the forum acknowledgement. He knows something I know he does. I just don’t know how he knows. I feel like a mouse being toyed with by the cat
11th April 2016 at 10:15 pm #13521AyannaParticipant
Maybe it is a change how you respond to him. These abusers are very sensitive to such clues. That makes them so dangerous.
12th April 2016 at 6:25 am #13539
Hi Ayanna. You’re right, he is super observant and spots the tiniest details. I’m going to try and avoid him a bit more by keeping busy with my hobbies and also taking the dog out. My illness isn’t too bad at the moment and I can walk a little bit, being around nature is very calming for me so it will help me relax too
Thank you for taking time to reply, I really appreciate it xx
14th April 2016 at 2:42 pm #13823
Feeling confused today. He told me really calmly [detail removed by moderator] that I haven’t thought about his feelings and that I never think about how he is feeling. He said I get angry at him for standing up for himself
So now I’m thinking its me who’s been unreasonable and that maybe he was just frustrated that I wasn’t listening to him. He says that he has done so much for me and that I haven’t been there for him. I tried to explain that’s I was so ill last year, mostly in bed or wheelchair and that I wasn’t well enough to focus on anything. But he says that’s just me trying to excuse my Behaviour
Im starting to wonder if it’s actually me that has ruined our marriage, not him
14th April 2016 at 4:27 pm #13828
No way, I get this sort of talk , been told for decades I don’t care about him or his feelings, yet he doesn’t share any feelings with me, says he can’t trust me.
If you really look deeper , you most likley get angry when he is trying to manilpulate you, they twist everything onto us all the time, whatever they do they say its us.
If one partener has illness of course the other will have to do more, but the ill one cant help being ill.
You said he stopped you using your mobilty schoter that is abuse.
I get told over and over that im trying to excuse MY BEHAVOIR ” what ever that is, its most likey normal behaviour that isnt normal to them.
You said he had picked up on how you feel possibly they will then try every trick in the book to make it look like you.
He is trying to make you doubt yourself by blaming you they all do it.
Make a list of al the awful things he had said or done to you, i nmy experiance they cant stand illness and resent what they may have to do.
Think deey about any way you have supproted him and care for him, he really is trying to turn it around on you xx
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