This topic contains 20 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Isthereafuture 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #69735
     Isthereafuture 
    Participant

    I have been separated from my long term partner ( together for (detail removed by Moderator) years) for (detail removed by Moderator) years now. Once I took control of my situation he accepted the separation. However he insisted that we sold our family home. With my sons help we purchased the home together, but we agreed to just keep the property for (detail removed by Moderator) years. By doing this my son got on the property ladder and I secured my equity instead of wasting it on private rent. The area that I live in has very little social housing and no system for bidding unless I take temporary accommodation which will probably be miles away. But again having a lump sum prevents me from being considered. So my situation in (detail removed by Moderator) years time will be, my home will go up for sale, I have a lump sum and work full time but my salary is low. I’m saving every penny I can to at least try to buy a small 1/2 bed property, still unsure if this is actually achievable. Property in my area is ridiculously priced. Rents are equally as high. Myself my young adult daughter and my youngest son will be moving into the new property. Over the years I have suffered severe anxiety but learnt to manage it. I am petrified of private renting but also petrified of moving into a flat in a different area. The area I live in at present is considered to be affluent however is changing for the worse every day as crime increases. I feel like I’m struggling to cope with the pressure of when I need to rehouse myself and I know it’s because I want to achieve the non achievable. I drive but very limited to where I drive mainly because I’ve never driven out of my area. I actually have a driving phobia . My life was controlled emotionally and financially for (detail removed by Moderator) years, I isolated myself from friends and family very early on in my relationship. I have wonderful children and we now have an amazing relationship since the separation so I am privileged there. However I feel lonely and at times week and feel there is no hope for the future. I at present feel very reluctant to ever consider finding a new relationship. My anxiety is starting to spiral again. I fear for my family’s housing situation. The housing situation causes mental health issues for both me and my oldest daughter who has suffered severely yas a result of loosing her family home. I then feel the guilt for her because she can not focus on herself and her career because she’s often depressed. I wake with anxiety every day. I struggle to motivate myself. I hate the fact that no one can help me and also know that I can’t keep talking about my situation to my new friends because it’s not very nice for them and it makes me depressing to be around. I have openly disclosed that my relationship was controlled but I don’t think people know just how severe the treatment from my partner was. I have a career in (detail removed by Moderator) and I have gained some new friends but can’t help but feel jealous when people have a best friend or long term friendship. I’m tired of being strong and I can see how I could easily loose everything and break down mentally. Is this how it’ll be for the rest of my life. I so wished the housing situation was better for people leaving a violent relationship. People just don’t understand the conditioning caused and the severe affects of leaving an abuser. Age is also against me now too.

  • #69743
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hi, is there any way you could buy your son out of his share of the property? I know how overwhelming it must be for you but you sound like you have done really well getting this far. I think some good regular counselling would really help keep you positive. And perhaps your daughter too. At the end of the day, a house is just bricks and mortar. It’s more important that you have a close relationship with your children. (detail removed by Moderator) years out of a (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship is not very long to allow recovery but you seem like you’re moving in a positive direction. Speak to citizens advice and women’s aid. Reach out. Do you have a spare room to let to bring in extra money over the next two years. Even if it means sharing with your daughter? You can earn quite a bit tax free doing that.

  • #69750
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Isthereafuture, goodness yours and my situation are so similar, the only difference is I’m still with my oh, but am very aware of how it would be without him. I dont think about owning a house in the future any more though, it’s only bricks and mortar. Some say a nest egg, yet without enough money, what happens when things need fixing or replacing. I’ll hopefully have some share of any equity, so will have that for my older years. We not got that long to go yip the mortgage is paid, I wonder if I’ll stay till them?? I suppose it all depends on how wicked he’ll be again. He’s still being so much nicer, yes a lot of what he does gets to me, but that’s because I see him now for what he is. Guess I’m tougher than I thought, if I’m thinking this way. Then again another few years down the line and more of my self esteem and energy for life will be eroded.
    Time will tell.
    IWMB 💕💕

    • #69880
       Isthereafuture 
      Participant

      Thanks KIP for your reply. Sadly can not afford to buy my son out and I don’t want to hold him back from settling down and having his own family either. My daughter shares a room with her younger brother and no spare room to rent. I know a house is only bricks and mortar but I feel so anxious not knowing my future and not having a secure home. A secure home is everything for me, that’s why I stayed so long in my relationship. Until I just could not live that way anymore.
      When my anxiety is bad I feel so I’ll and week and tired. I can cope and manage the anxiety to some extent but the uncertainty of the future makes it worse.

    • #69882
       Isthereafuture 
      Participant

      Hi Iwantmeback I stayed for years and sacrificed my freedom and happiness to keep a roof over my children’s head and to see them through their education. I thought that was the right thing to do. Now I realise it wasn’t my children grew up thinking their mother was a misery and had no self respect for herself and they also was angry for me for not taking charge of the situation. Since the separation we have spoke lots and I have accepted part of the responsibility for how they grew up. They had quite a comfortable life in a good area however they are mentally scarred by what they have seen or heard. Most of my relationship was just controlled financially and emotionally. A few times s year there would be arguments where things were smashed on a few occasions I would be pushed, pulled, spat at or something thrown at me. I’m not even sure how much was seen or heard by my 2 older children. By the time I had my third child after a long gap, shall I say I got slightly clever, I could just behave in the way that I was expected to never asking about finances or asking for anything. I met sexual demands when needed until I could no longer bare for him to touch me, I cringed and was rigid during sex for years. But in the end I felt so violated that it had to end. He was never aggressive or horrible during sex if anything he was a considerate lover to some extent. But just wouldn’t take no for an answer if he wanted sex. Which was probably 5 out of 7 nights.

  • #69886
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    My oh is like urs was regarding sex. I can just about let him, went through a stage a while back where the thought of it was nearly causing panic attacks, but I’ve managed to control it. I’ve since found our, he’s been sexually abusing me for years, I just didn’t know it. We all think that abuse is forced rape but it’s not, it’s you doing it for a quiet life, to be able to get to sleep without him going on and on, how it’s not fair to leave him like that(ha.. on)it’s constantly touching and groping you, like a flaming octopus. I find it so hard to kiss him, it’s such a personal loving act, and I’m finding it harder and harder to do naturally.😭💔
    Bith my children left at puberty to live eirh their dad as they couldn’t take his abusive behaviour anymore, I still stayed. I didn’t know I was being abused, I just thought he had a temper, just liked things his way. Aye he does but it’s no excuse for everyone else not to have a life, constantly living on eggshells.
    It’s taken me years but I to an cleverer. I choose my arguements now, generally ignore everything else, or nod and agree in the right places.
    My oh is fairly considerate to me sex wise, takes Into account the chronic pain I have, it’s a rare reason to refuse, but then sex is such a huge part of his life, he talks about it daily in one way or another. Constant references, it’s tiring and degrading.
    Take care and keep posting💜
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70086
     Isthereafuture 
    Participant

    Hi Iwantmeback one word you used made me assume your from the same region as my ex maybe wrong. The one thing I never did was kiss my ex. I hadn’t kissed him for probably 15 years I just couldn’t bare it. Sometimes he would try to hold my head but I’d keep turning my face and he would give up. Leaving him after so many many years was the best thing I ever did. Just wished I did it years ago. My home now is s home rather than just a house. Filled with warmth love affection and respect. Has for my ex he visits Thailand 4 times a year. I just see him now for the sad pathetic insecure bully that he was 🙁

  • #70126
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Aye,I tend to write how I speak when I get riled or passionate about the topic. Have to remember to write properly so people can understand or it would have to have the translate button attached🤣
    💕💕

  • #70131
     KIP. 
    Participant

    A lot of the time it’s our imagination that causes more anxiety that the actual thing we fear. I wonder if it would be worth moving sooner. Actually looking and securing somewhere safe for yourself and children. Getting rid of the house quicker rather than carry the anxiety and the unknown. I think once the process begins you may find it’s what you should have done all along. A fresh start for you all. Also your ex should be contributing to the cost of his children’s rent etc. Perhaps if you have a guaranteed income from him for maintenance that would help towards a small mortgage. There are also many schemes now where you only part own your house. Making the mortgage much more manageable but you also have security. Maybe time to do some research to put your fears to rest.

  • #70132
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Instead of thinking your future was stolen, consider that it was given back to you. I’m reading about core beliefs and how they influence our mind set.

  • #70135
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Spot on as always @kip, you truly are an amazing strong woman. 💜💪
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70138
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hey thanks IWMB. U2. We’re all amazingly strong when you consider what we have been through. Just to function is truly an achievement some days lol ✊️

  • #70140
     Isthereafuture 
    Participant

    Thank you both for your replies. The mortgage is tied for the next 2 years. But yes once I sell the house my fears will eventually end but that will be because I’ll be living the fear. I have a lump sum in equity so that prevents me for applying for shared ownership. But my salary is not enough to buy a property even with that sum. I have a terrible driving phobia so I’m limited to where I drive. I’m petrified of moving out of area because I’ll need to commute to work. I need to keep my job to secure a small mortgage. I’m only expecting to buy a very small flat probably in a troubled area so I’m not being unrealistic. I don’t really have any family for support neither. My ex does pay maintenance but I have always saved it because I’m continually saving in hope that it can secure a property of my own. I also realise the odds are against me when it comes to buying home and I also realise that I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself too. Sometimes I do feel like giving up and I’m always exhausted and I then think my ex has certainly got what he wanted and that was to see me with nothing. I’m not bitter or resentful towards my ex, I’ve excepted what has happened and there were good experiences too. I just want to be able to have a home and go to work to support my family. I wished there was more support for women like us when it comes to housing. Mothers and their children have suffered enough living with DV is it too much to help them with housing other than emergency accommodation. Sorry for constantly sounding negative but I’ve be been to hell and back and feel no matter how hard I try it’s never enough to succeed. So when people ask why women don’t leave their partners it’s not always just because they are scared but because they know they’ll be left in financial deprivation. This is why men continue to treat women like this because they know it too.

  • #70234
     itmustbemesurely 
    Participant

    I was emotionally and financially abused too, my ex got so much debt the house has to be sold, I too don’t know where we will live as the equity I have and the mortgage I can get isn’t much – for this city anyway. Every ounce of judgement and faith I had in myself has gone, years of name calling and verbal abuse have meant sense of self is zero….people don’t get how long it takes to recover, they think because he’s out of my life I should be able to cope. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t I too don’t know what to do, am physically sick with anxiety and worry, try as I might to be positive it’s hard – but we will get there my lovely, be it small steps. You are doing amazingly well x*x

  • #70237
     KIP. 
    Participant

    The ‘lump sum in equity’? Can you put that in your sons name? Apply for shared ownership and get your son to pay you back in monthly instalments. You need to talk to people, housing, mortgage advisors, citizens advice. Next time you have an energy boost start exploring the options. Don’t give up.

  • #70268
     Isthereafuture 
    Participant

    Kip I seeked advice from everywhere when I originally sold the property to my son, I don’t earn enough to buy shared ownership without the lump sum and can’t buy using the lump sum. It’s just like the government don’t want to support people like myself they just want me to private rent using the equity. 🙁

  • #70269
     Isthereafuture 
    Participant

    Itmustbemesurely
    It’s just so nice for someone to be feeling and saying the same as myself. I’ve only started writing on this forum for comfort as I know there is nothing else I can do now. What will be will be. Hopefully my mental state won’t fail me and hopefully I’ll be able to cope when I eventually sell the house again in 2 years 🙁

  • #70271
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Keep hanging in there @isthereafuture. Do you get any respite from your oh, my fear is becoming more and more dependent on him due to health problems. But I’m pretty sure that if I left, a few of them would stop or not be as bad. Apart from the problem with my spine, which can’t be repaired, everything else stems from stress which arises by being in this relationship. leaving would actually benefit my health

    IWMB💕💕

  • #70374
     Isthereafuture 
    Participant

    IWMB what do you mean by respite?
    I don’t have any problems with my ex but we don’t talk much the odd text regarding my younger son. He rarely responds to my messages regarding my son but then I just ignore that. He did try to control the visitation with my son but I took that out of his hands and just said times and days that he could have him and he accepted that. He missed a weekend with my son once, he went out drinking on the Friday night of the visit then wanted to collect him by taxi but I ignored the texts until the following fortnight. Despite my anxiety of being homeless, leaving my partner was the best thing I could have done. Took me a long while to do it and years of planning in advance. I started to rebuild myself whilst we was still together. I attended a few courses at a local women’s refuge and after completing them I still wasn’t ready to leave. I eventually made the decision to end the relationship. We continued to live together for some time until the property sold and then he left. The most important skill I learnt was to not let his behaved affect me. I eventually had the ability to do this and I could see the fear in my ex’s face that he then realised he had lost control of me. Now I’d never look back.

  • #70379
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi ,I must have misread your posts, i’ve re-read the whole thread and I can see he’s not in your life much at all. it may have been an autocorrect word put in and I’ve missed it on rereading before sending. I hope I didn’t offend you, it was not my intention.
    You sound very much like me, practical, pragmatic and very capable of dealing with life’s chaos, then we have an abuser in our lives and everything we stood fir, believed in gets lost. I dont rely on my oh much financially,I know if I was in my own place id manage, I’m not emotionally dependent on him either, I just cant leave yet.
    Best wishes
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70394
     Isthereafuture 
    Participant

    IWMB you definitely didn’t offend me. I was just unsure if you thought that I was still with my partner. I thought id never leave mine but eventually I did. Just wished I did it sooner.

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