Feel like my life is over

[Newst@rt]

I left my abusive ex over (detail removed by Moderator) ago and literally fled the country we were living in with nothing but my two children. I’m currently a Bankrupt (because of loans he took out in my name without my knowledge or consent) single mum on benefits struggling to rebuild my life, but we’re doing it and I feel happier than I’ve ever been.
My ex had his own business, that I worked for, and because of some of his bad dealings we were investigated by the police. I didn’t do anything wrong, I hated the business and worked so hard to try and keep it going because he made bad financial decisions and we were always under pressure. The problem is that this was all very public, and last night I found a forum that lists my address, with people threatening to visit me once the lockdown is over. I’m hoping to retrain and work in a public-facing role and was feeling very positive about life and the future until I read this forum. I want to move on and am trying so hard but feel that he’s destroyed my life in so many ways. He was emotionally, sexually and financially abusive, I was very young when I met him and he was much older and in a position of power – I can see now that he was predatory and groomed me. I don’t know how I can ever move on from what he did for me. I had no control or say in the business, it wasn’t my business, but I’ve been implicated along with him. Every time I think I’m starting to get over him and the future feels positive something happens that completely knocks me. I’m scared that I can’t stop the past from catching up with me and live in terror of being found out.

[KIP.]

Have you thought about changing your name and that of the children? Talk to citizens advice and if the messages are threatening then report them to the police. Escaping an abuser takes strength and courage and you can use that inner strength now to move forwards. Meantime come off social media until you feel stronger. Stick to email or WhatsApp meantime just for those you trust x your life isn’t over it’s just beginning. I like this quote ‘you can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start now and change the ending’ C S Lewis x

[Newst@rt]

Thank you as always for your wise words KIP. I’ve thought about changing our names, but wouldn’t I need their father’s position? I’m terrified about our new friends, community and future employers finding out, there’s information about it on the internet that’s fairly easy to find. This happened years ago and I felt like I was just starting to get over the trauma of it all. My ex even told me I could never return to the UK because I would be arrested on entry. I’m too scared to talk to the police. I feel like I was just starting to get to a good place with my mental health.

[KIP.]

Get some free legal advice. Most solicitors will offer a free first session. There’s nothing preventing you from changing your name. Even by deed poll. I went back to my maiden name for most things until the divorce then I needed that for my passport but just about everything else was easy. Reverting to your maiden name is common so won’t raise suspicion with employers etc. Rights for Women have a website and offer free legal advice. There’s also citizens advice. You can tell the school that you want your kids to be known by their new surname because you had to flee domestic abuse.their legal name can be kept officially but they can be known as the new name till it’s legal. Take back control of the situation. It helps you feel less helpless. Try to contact your local women’s aid too. They have a wealth of knowledge x

[Newst@rt]

Thank you KIP. We didn’t marry and my children have their father’s surname. Unfortunately my surname is fairly unusual. You’ve made me wonder whether to change it, possibly to my wonderful late grandmother’s maiden name so there’s still a family connection. My local DA charity have been amazing so I will contact them. Thank you again xx

[Lottieblue]

Hi there…
The first thing I need to say is that you are amazing! I am so in awe of you for having managed to get away. You have got this!
The forum that you found with your address listed – can you get that taken down, for a start?
I can completely understand your sense of panic but you have overcome the worst. Keep speaking to the experts (including some of the people on here!) and you will find your way. I’m thinking of you and wish you luck x*x

[Newst@rt]

Thank you for your kind words Lottieblue. I’ve just contacted the forum and reported the posts because they include private information and are threatening. I’ve been nervous about doing anything like this before because I’ve been scared of anything I do making it worse. Fingers crossed they take it down x

[KIP.]

I loved changing my name. It made it feel like a new start. I love practicing my new signature. I have only sisters so I’m the only one Back to our family name. Taking the name of someone you loved and respected is a great thing to do.

[Newst@rt]

That’s lovely KIP x

[Anonymous]

I changed my name as well and it wasn’t back to my maiden name either. It can be done. Made me feel soo empowered! I picked my name, no one else. I firmly believe in one very golden rule and that is – when you are committed to your own freedom, to your right and your children’s right to life, health, happiness, peace, joy and security then – without any hesitation at all and no fear, no questioning your own radar, just that slammed down hand on the table that says NO More!…..when that happens, be ready, because the universe listens. And things move……..doors open. But you have to be sure and absolute about what you want and not in the position to take anything less. No reservations here. Thing is, you don’t have to have all the answers when you do this, you don’t have to have any answers and we get kinda messed up in that regard and get things real backwards. No…….you don’t have to know anything except I will absolutely Not accept this anymore, have no clue what I’m going to do or how but what I do know is No More!! I mean it with everything I have and now I will start bulldozing and knocking on doors and absolutely expecting doors to open for me and not taking no for an answer. When you do have that kind of resolve…….heaven and earth takes notice. Done it a few times in my life and it does work. Curled my hair when it happened. 🙂

[Author]

Posts