Feel like part of me has died

[Catjam]

I have changed these last couple of months. Gained strength from here and reading so much stuff but I still feel confused. He used to open my post, then I would have to explain what ever it was about, especially my bank accounts so I have gone online only. I never ever give him my phone as he would start off looking at the original photo I was showing him then start going through it and I would have to explain things he found. I tell him nothing that goes on at work unless I have to do overtime nor do I share anything about how I feel in general. I also try not to react when I am told there is something wrong with me because I have stopped him touching me in ways I don’t like, apparently I should be grateful he still wants to after all these years. I have also started college, something I wouldn’t have been able to do last year because I was worried how he would be. Sulks etc.
But I feel like I am not the real me, my life feels obsessed with him all the time. Is it me? He talks about how he can’t live without me, how he has these big plans for our future and I look at him and feel dead inside. It’s like I am in s loop. But none of it is the person I am, I am a very touchy feely person and sometimes I long to feel about him the way I used to. I don’t like secrets and I don’t like game playing but suddenly that is my life.
I found an old journal I kept in (detail removed by moderator) and it’s just full of the same whining and clearly the gaps between dates are because we were getting on but it’s just made me so down that my life is such a soap opera.

[PercyPooper]

I feel your pain Catjam. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel like anymore. I haven’t been loved or been close to my OH for so many years that now this is just the norm. I can’t remember how many years it is since I had a passionate kiss. So I totally understand feeling dead inside. Stay strong hun. Xx

[Catjam]

Thank you. It’s like I am turning into a version of him and that’s not who I am. I trust no one anymore where as a few years ago I would give anyone a chance. Now I just wonder what their angle is

[Hetty]

When we are forced to live in this way we give up living authentically. Deep deep down in our inner self we know this isn’t right. We can never live happily with these men. We have to give up too much of ourselves.
You’ve done so well to keep so many boundaries in place. This can be a really hard thing to do when they wear us down.
Have you ever thought about leaving?

[Catjam]

Often, but I always come up with a reason to stay. This has been my home for over (detail removed by moderator) years, longer. I have an escape fund started but deep down I know I will probably never use it. I could move home to my parents but that’s on the same street as us. I have this fantasy that he meets someone new and runs off with her but knowing how he wants our eldest to continue to idolise him I don’t think he would. Rather a sad way to live. My sister says he groomed me and I didn’t stand a chance. He is older and I was so in love with him.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Catjam, that’s a very normal reaction. I feel nothing towards my oh. I’ve been away for over (detail removed by moderator) months now. Used to wonder when the anger would vome, what is surfacing is disgust which has surprised me. Keep your escape fund going. Look into LOA (laws of attraction) that helped me get away) I still practice it but not to the same eextent.your sister is right and what’s going on now is trauma bonding. Keep looking for knowledge, look up the cycle of abuse, FOG of abuse. Abuse can be so subtle,(covert) or very in your face(overt). I too wish my oh would find someone, he had in a way, pornsites, which he’s always used, but more so now, though he can’t access the internet now as I cancelled our service provider. Took me ages to pluck up the courage to do that. So that money will also go towards my best egg. Not leaving fund anymore as I have left😏 sadly I’ve not been able to go full no CB contact and that is draining. I’m waiting to be moved from refuge to another area,so continue some contact. I now know its because I cant face going to the police if he started to harass me. Still trying to keep the peace, even though I’m not living with him, still not fully living my life for fear it’ll set him off.😔
Thankfully my house hasn’t ever really been a home, but we are connected to them. Even though we are abused within it,it’s also our place of safety. We hide from the world in it. Opening up pandora’s box is terrifying but once the secret we live with is out, it cant be undone. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise💞 contact with WA, your doctor can and does help. Just knowing professionals believed me was such a relief that I wasn’t crazy, that I wasn’t being over sensitive. Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power. Keep fighting for your h right to be seen individual. Go back to college. Start finding your inner warrior princess.
Love and light IWMB 💞💞

[Catjam]

Thank you so much

[KIP.]

You say that you long to feel the way about him you used to. That’s what keeps us with an abuser. Always chasing the feelings we used to have but that was for a man that didn’t really exist. Abusers are great at hooking us in. We are always looking for that honeymoon phase and round and round in the cycle of abuse we go.

[Catjam]

I have just read about the fog of abuse and it was quite alarming. It was almost like they were in my life at times. I also read an article on the fact that abuse can damage your brain due to stress caused. But it was interesting to read about coping strategies and ways of gaining strength.
It’s almost like a death, that I am sad to realise it’s all a game to him and not about genuine affection. I wish he could tell me why he has felt the need to treat me this way for 25+ years bu5 I guess I never will. I also now wonder how much of me is left.

[Cecile]

Here’s a quote: “human healing happens most powerfully when we are connected to our strengths”
This is in a book by Lundy Bancroft called ‘the joyous recovery”. It deals in the first chapter with this central issue, feeling depersonalised and drained. Lacking energy. He tells how to deal with it. I really recommend this book, it is so powerful.
I felt like I had lost me for a long time. Even being in the same room with the oh brings the feelings that you experience back for me. I feel like my personality has been killed, my choices numbed, my ability to think and choose is smothered by him. So now I completely ignore him and avoid him physically which can be pretty draining as we still live together but at least I can feel
Myself peeping out in my mind and tentatively returning. I keep a written journal and every day write what I want to do, little bullet points, or how I feel. That has helped me hugely until I got more help on this forum.

[Iwantmeback]

Thanks for this Cecile, why does he do that helped me greatly in the beginning, I know this one will too. 💞💞

[Catjam]

Thank you will have a look.

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