Feel like running can’t breathe

[Raindays]

Really want out feel like running away I can’t breath he knows I’m u happy yet continues to stay to try to get me to kiss him and sleep with him keeps touching me. I just can’t bare it
I told him days ago everything he has done won’t go away and I don’t even think I like him but he seems to continue to think I can get over it!
Have to move from room to room to get away from him I can’t go anywhere but he walks out house anytime he feels like it 😔 just feel so trapped and he puts on a front to everyone else mr nice guy. 😡

[Anonymous]

Raindays, have you spoken to Women’s Aid? You sound a little lost and like you could do with a shoulder. I wish I knew the answers. Keep posting.

Sending love x

[Raindays]

Hi,
No afraid not
I work from home so dont get any time away from him as he doesn’t go to work and any slight opportunity I get I worry he will walk in when I’m on the phone. He watches everything I do, just feel so suffocated. He won’t listen to me saying I don’t want this and thinks I’ll just keep putting up with it as he says he will change but nothing changes ever
😔 xx

[Lottieblue]

Ok Raindays I’m quite new here and I’m just taking first baby steps to preparing to leave. It’s a long way off. But what I can say to you is that the first step is really, really empowering, whatever it may be. You do need to speak to WA, but your first step is clearly to work out how to do that – safely.
Who does the supermarket shopping? You must leave the house alone sometimes, do you not?
Make a plan. Allow yourself time and make that phone call. I promise you you will feel so much better when you have actually managed to do even the smallest thing. Take that strength and use it for the next step.
Keep us posted. Let us know your progress. Everybody here cares so much. Xx

[Tiffany]

You could also talk to your GP. An appointment with them should be a safe space away from your abuser, and they should be able to help you. At the very least it’s evidence logged of what is happening, but they should be able to offer practical support too. Ask for a double appointment, as opening up in real life is hard, and you don’t want to feel rushed.

[Hetty]

You could make an appointment at your local domestic abuse organisation. I did that and they got me in within two days. You could also make a gp appointment as already said. Tell him you’re going for a smear or whatever so he won’t get suspicious or want to go with you.
Try and get some distance so you can think through what you want. Could you tell him you have to go on training and go stay with a friend or family member?
It pointless trying to talk to these men and it may put him on high alert, making it harder for you to make any plans as he’ll be watching you. Try to keep things as normal as you can while you make your decisions and plans regarding what next for you. X

[mojo]

Hi Raindays

I had the same problem with him working from home 24/7 so it was a nightmare trying to do anything that might not make him suspicious. I could hear him on the phone across the house, so I knew anything I said on the phone he would also likely be able to hear – it can be very, very difficult…which is all part of the controlling behaviour isn’t it and often missed by other agencies. I only managed to line up call from the WA helpline by leaving a message for them to call me at a specific time when he was, unusually, going to be out of the house and had told me 24 hours before hand (often he would only tell me at 11pm the night before that he was away the next day or something). It was very hard to do logistically but I did eventually manage it. The thing is they notice things and have this way of letting you know that they have noticed your pattern has changed. I tried making slow and incremental changes to my routines to build in a bit of time away ‘having coffee with a friend’ now and then but even play dates with my child became problematic…they scent something has shifted so are alert to even small changes so be careful. You will need to work around him, although I hate to say it, and take an opportunity as it arises. You may have to wait to pick your time…during this phase I found myself humming the theme tune to ‘The Great Escape’! It weirdly kept me focussed and sane in the face of the utterly insane behaviour he would enact. I think the quiet humming was part of my rebellion, a reminder from the determined survivor me to the frightened me that he had not broken my spirit and that I was working on plan. It kept me grounded and whatever I was doing that day I would later do a reccy on whether I had evaded ‘discovery’, how far I had ‘dug’ etc. Later I started to use the Lord of the Rings as a way of making sense of my ‘journey’…you know, whatever it takes to stay present and ready to act during this time of waiting is just what you need to do to keep on going. The thing is they don’t credit us with mental stamina, imagination, coping mechanisms or the sheer will to quietly defy them, so do what you need to in your own time to stay grounded and prepare.

He is trying to gaslight you at the moment by pretending nothing is wrong isn’t he? If he continues to pester you sexually when you have said no you will need to be prepared for him to continue pushing your boundaries. Keep a diary. At the moment he is harassing you sexually by the sound of it and that is a worrying sign. Touching you when you have said not to is technically assault although you would be hard pushed to prove it and he knows that. You may not be afraid of him but you need to be aware that they are masters of abuse and will minimise and normalise their behaviour and demands at great cost to you down the line.

I know only too well that trapped feeling and the Mr Nice Guy for the benefit of other people. The utter feeling of imprisonment. Choose your time and make the call (is it to the Refuge helpline now?) when you feel it’s safe. It took me a long time to find a safe time. You will get there but I know how tough it can be. The fact that you now know that you are planning on making the call at some point and selecting a timing that flies beneath his radar will empower you. You are already digging your way out and there are more of us on the other side of the wire who made it, just as you will. Keep digging. x

[Raindays]

Thankyou so much for the comments it’s good to know others have been there and got away or also on the way out! Sometimes I feel I am getting there then I just fall back the fact he keeps acting like things are ok when I told him I’m unhappy nocks me back… he keeps saying he just wants old me back, well ofcourse he does Cos old me just did everything he wanted to keep the peace but I’m so unhappy and he doesn’t seem to care about that as long as he has what he wants and I’m doing as he wants! and then this angers me that he doesn’t want me to be happy. It’s really hard as I don’t want him to think things are ok as I’d rather in a ideal world he just left and was reasonable but I can’t see it happening.
I spoke via email to refuge who asked me to call not woman’s aid tho and such a lot would have needed to be done before Xmas and the children’s presents etc… don’t know what to do maybe plan a bit more save a bit more now easter out way… what is annoying me is he is now trying to book holidays and when I said no he questioned why now.. I mean really nothing Iv said has went into his head! It’s difficult when your banging against a brick wall and now I’m feeling pressured sexually too.. I can’t bare him touching me and he is starting to question that 😔🙈🤦‍♀️

[Lisa]

Hi Raindays,

I just wanted to offer you some practical information here which you might find useful.

It might be helpful to contact someone just to talk through any options you might have in a bit more detail; this could be (for example) housing, refuge, injunctions, getting emotional support… no one will make you do anything you’re not ready for; they’re just there to talk things through. It might help you get some clarity.

If you want to speak to a worker from Women’s Aid then you can contact someone via the live chat service which is currently running 10am -12pm Mon – Fri, including today (New Years Day): https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

You can search for contact details of your local domestic abuse service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ (or a Women’s Aid worker can search for you via the Live chat). They should be able to give you some more in depth/ ongoing support.

The National Domestic Violence Helpline is no longer run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge (it’s now being run independently by Refuge); if you would prefer to speak to someone over the phone you can call them on 0808 2000 24 7.

Keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[Raindays]

Thankyou xx

[Author]

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