Feel like the life has been sucked out of me

[Lost lady]

Well had a decent weekend , (detail removed by moderator) he rarely goes out with us so I was surprised but he was very lighthearted most of the he weekend … then today I woke up feeling positive and he has criticised every single thing I have said or done all day. Nothing specific just why can’t I do anything right , why do I think I’m better than him , I’m stupid , fat, lazy, useless … the list goes on . He went to bed for a few hours this afternoon then got up and started again . I have spent most of the day tidying, cleaning etc and he had just done nothing but put me down
Now I feel totally on edge and have lost motivation to do anything 😢.
Now he’s acting all cheerful and asking why I’m always so mardy …..

[Hereforhelp]

Hi lost lady, that sort of emotional abuse is heartbreaking… I am so sorry he is doing this to you.

My husband would behave just like yours ..if we went somewhere the build up of anxiety in me would make me physically sick… if the event went well I would feel happier..until we got in the car and he would start..either I HAD to have sex to keep the peace or his mood would grow and grow… like distant thunder rumbling as it gets nearer. I would be In such an anxious state that I would do anything to stop it. I was married for decades. Out a few years now…. don’t doubt your gut, learn to trust your gut instincts as if something feels wrong then it is wrong

Have you got any support?

HFH ❤️

[Lost lady]

Thank you for your reply HFH X
We have been together decades too and it’s never been easy, i think my tolerance level has decreased and i blamed myself for many years, but now i see him do it to the kids and it breaks my heart
I was supposed to be at home on annual leave this week but have come to work as i need a break from it
Holidays or days out have always been hell, we literally do not know until the last minute if he is going to come or not and there is always tension and shouting and by the time i get in the car i feel sick
I always had sex with gritted teeth and he wakes me in the night, it’s hard to comply after a day of shouting, but i don’t anymore and i think that is making him worse!
My gut wants me to run but i am so full of fear and scared of losing the kids

Happy for you having the strength to walk away xx

[tiredofitall]

Hi Lost Lady, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. It’s very much how I used to feel. In fact, I was always sure that he had some sort of sense of when I’d let my guard down and started to feel positive because that was when he would usually start criticising me and then I’d usually end of up in tears. I could never properly relax because I had to do all I could to give him any reason not to have a go. But then sometimes he would have a go at me for doing too much and making him look lazy! Literally could never get anything right.
I also hated holidays – so much so that I convinced myself i didn’t enjoy going away. The truth is that I hated going with him. he drove very aggressively – the journey itself was stressful. I couldnt say anything because it would turn into an argument and then he would blame me for making him moody. We got used to not asking for toilet breaks in the car because that could set him off!
I also stopped asking him or expecting him to come to any family get togethers with me. He always made me late (which I hate) or decided he wasn’t coming at the last minute so like you, you never knew. All just to keep him holding the power over us I guess.
We were together for years and years and I stayed longer than I should have – for lots of reasons but one was because I thought the kids would be upset if i split them from their dad. In the end they were so affected by what was going on that they were asking me why we were still together…being around his behaviour was not good for them and I wish I had saved them from that by being braver sooner.
Love and support to you.
xx

[Lost lady]

So sorry you have been through it too .
I still don’t understand what they get out of ruining holidays and days out.
I have stayed for too long but can never find the strength to leave and end up feeling sorry for him as I know he is so insecure under all the anger … I now know though that he will never change and it’s having a big impact on my mental health , I’ve doubled my anti depressants and still feel on edge.
I am so scared of losing the kids . He can be very manipulative, I think how he has manipulated me oxer the years and it makes me think how easy it would be to manipulate them.
I really don’t like myself and all for being so weak, I thought the kids would be safer with me here to calm things down and if he got full custody (he has always said he would fight me for them and use my anxiety) and deep down I fear that scenario as I would be unable to help them 😥
How did you manage to end things ?
Xx

[Anonymous]

Hi. I’m new to this so it’s a bit scary to say it out loud , so to speak. Been with him for decades but I just can’t bonce back and move on from his abuse like I could do years ago. He’s always pushing for some kind of reaction from me. (detail removed by moderator).Im not strong enough to leave, I can cope with the abuse, the violence, the tears but it’s the emotional blackmail that always pulls me back to him. I love him and don’t want him to feel sad or alone. I need to find my mojo and crack on after these situations happen just like always did in the past. If I just gave him sex on demand then my life would be a whole lot easier but it’s so hard to have sex with someone who frightens me and who calls me all the vile names under the sun. He’s not going to change, I know that, I just need to find the strength to cope like I used to.

[nbumblebee]

Every single word you have said is me and my life.
I cant believe that I didnt write it. Sweetie its heart breaking to hear you arw living this way too.
I cant advise not really but I am walking the same path. Know what holds me up? Being here the advice the kindness the knowledge that im not alone so I hope you can feel this too. My PM is always open should you need to talk but thats one liece of asvice i would give you. Talk yes its takes courage balls of steel and is hard messy and hurts but afterwards when you know you have someone there walking beside you that helps more than I could ever explain. I have a counsellor and a personal trainer yes i pay them but for me that helps thwy are professionals and i can say or not say what i need to what i can. It helps honestly it really does.
This life is hard too hard to cope alone so you have been brave enough to come on here now be a little braver and reach out for support. A friend GP or Womans Aid there are people that will listen.
Stay safe and keep talking xx

[Lost lady]

So sorry you know how this feels
I can’t seem to find the strength to leave, though my reasons have changed over the years. Early days i thought if i loved him enough i could ‘fix him’, then i was scared of him, then blamed myself for things getting worse. I honestly knew deep down something was wrong and now can’t believe i was so naive for so many years. It was hard as so many friends and acquantainces tell me how lucky i am and then it makes me think it is me. Now i stay for the kids, i wish i had left a long time ago, not been stupid enough to think having kids would make things ok.
I’m watching a lot of youtube videos about n********m and trying to understand how i can ever get out of this without the kids being hurt or losing them… but i do now understand a couple of things now and that is they are damaged and will not ever change no matter how much we do for them, it will never be good enough and they don’t really love in the way normal people do, we are just supply
Sending love xx

[Better-days]

Hi lost lady my situation is the same I want to leave so my kids can and know that it’s not acceptable to treat us like he does and that they live everyday in a peaceful home…but the thought of putting them at more risk kills me as I know he will do everything in his power to hurt me and if it’s through the kids he will. What I do know tho is that regardless of your mental health or anxiety you are a fit mum and the courts would keep the kids with the mum but if ur partner is anything like mine I know he will try and keep them and things to be nasty. I hope one day we all find the strength xx

[Lost lady]

Aww Better-Days, really hard isn’t it. Mine has always said if i leave ‘he will destroy me and take the kids’ and that has kept me in the situation for so long i now just can’t risk him using them in his game.
I still can’t get my head round how they can use their own children against you
Stay strong lovely xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your kind response x.
It’s so sad to know so many other people are in a horrible situation too.
Other than him my life is good, grown up children who I adore, dogs who I adore too! I have friends but I don’t share everything with them , they can’t help, it’s only me who can do that. Yes sometimes it’s bleak but already I’m feeling better for sharing, so thank you again.
I know I am much stronger than him but it still hurts that that I can’t make him happy or more positive. I try to understand why but I’m not the same person as him so I’m never going to get in his head ( that’s possibly a good thing…. I think his head is a very dark and angry place) . X*x

[nbumblebee]

Again yes. I often try and see it from his point of view I often try and change to become who he wants me to be but im utterly miserable in myself. I feel selfish and nasty but now im trying to carve myself a life whilst living with him. Do i want to be here no.
But can I get out also no.
Not one of my friends know anything of my life and never will but i still need help i still need someone to talk too and so do you.
Yes only we can get out only we can find a way through but we can ask for a hand to hold along the way. Xxxx

[Lost lady]

I am doing just that at the minute. Trying so hard not to bite and just walk away… but like you say it’s never easy.
I have told friends recently and my sister but when you don’t leave they don’t get it, think you have to have lived it to understand that it is so complex
All we can do is keep talking here and get help where we can
Stay strong x*x

[Anonymous]

Stay strong lovely x

[nbumblebee]

You too. We are always here when you need us remember that. Xx

[selfish]

Lost lady, I feel your pain. Absolutely. There are so many parallels in all our stories, and it’s heartbreaking. I hid the abuse for many many years from everyone. I couldn’t see it for myself and I always had an excuse to why something happened. I couldn’t tell you when or what changed, it wasn’t a big incident, just suddenly I decided I was done, and I have been in the process of getting everything in order so hopefully one day very soon I can leave with the kids. I am on so much medication to deal with my nerves. I’ve stopped going in the car with him as he has terrible road rage and I know that one day he’ll cause an accident and it will be my fault. I have so many bad experiences from being in the car with him, and there have been times that if it wasn’t for the other drivers being sensible I wouldn’t be here today.
Please be strong and realise this is all on him. Another lady has recommended a book by Emma Rose Byham, ‘Was it even abuse – restoring clarity after covert abuse’ and it is life changing. It’s made me see that his behaviour is not ok, it’s text book abuse. It’s control, and it’s wrong. From him ruining special occasions, to micro and macro patterns and why it’s not easy to leave, they deliberately make it hard. I downloaded it on my phone so he wouldn’t see it, and if you can, you should definitely read it.
Please keep talking, it helps. We are all here and understand your situation As we too have lived or are living through the same thing.
X*x

[selfish]

PS, I forgot to say lost lady, my husband is also charming to others and very manipulative. We have kids and I have stayed for as long as I have because I wanted to protect them. I’m constantly intervening early when they are doing something he doesn’t like, so he doesn’t get mad and scare us all. However, my children have started showing clear signs of anxiety, and it breaks my heart. This is giving me the push to leave.
What I was going to add is, I’ve been doing a lot of background planning, telling relevant people what has been going on behind closed doors for decades…and not one person doubted me, most were not surprised and were very emotional that I’ve finally seen him as the abuser he is. They have been worried for so long, but never wanted to say anything as I always just spoke about what a great husband and father he was. I was told that it is highly unlikely that they would award one parent full custody of the children, and they have professionals who have so much experience with similar situations that they won’t be easily taken in by manipulation. It’s scary, and if I could keep my children 24/7 with me I would, but I know that’s not realistic and I will have to ensure when they are with me, they know they are safe and we have consistency and love. I fully expect to be bad mouthed by him and he will be the fun parent, who buys them gifts and lets them stay up late, but I’ll be the constant in their lives and as they grow older they will appreciate that.
Sending you lots of strength. X*x

[Anonymous]

They will totally appreciate your love and your strength. Presents are all well and good but unconditional love is massively more importantly . Some people use it and see it as a weekness ( I think that’s why we are all in this group) but others bossom on it. Stay strong for the ones who deserve your love. X

[Lost lady]

Thank you ladies for your responses, i hate that so many others are going through this.
Sorry for the long delay, my head got in a confused state and i can’t seem to get my fight back.
Listened to many youtube vidoes about covert n********m and think i have overloaded my brain…
love to you all xx

[BlueberryField]

I hate those days. I get called the same just instead of fat I get called a twig or a board, because apparently I am too skinny for him, but nevermind that since the start of our relationship I actually had gained weight but it wasn’t a problem few years ago. 😅

I remember those times before when he used to randomly say that he actually loves and not to be angry at him when he’s being mean. It used to make me feel good for some reason to think that he truly loves me and he’s just under a lot stress. But then it would just turn to name-calling or gaslighting the next day. Now if he says that I just don’t react at all, because I know stress is not an excuse to behave this way and all those sweet words are a pure lie just to keep me on the hook.

Stay strong, sending you hugs x

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