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We are due to move back home really really soon and husband moving out, but when we should be feeling at our happiest I feel pretty sad. One of my sons has cried himself to sleep and I feel lousy, thinking about what I’ve done .. leaving something that I know deep down was toxic, but taking the kids away from their dad. Two of the three miss him, and really really miss their stuff. We’ll be home in a couple of days, but husband being really mean and rubbishing everything I say about verbal and emotional abuse and then accusing me of things which are complete nonsense. He has made it clear that he wants the children to have 2 homes and keeps saying things about this – which I think is so horrid bearing in mind the kids haven’t been in their own home for (detail removed by moderator). It’s just all a bit too much today. I see him every week, at the kid’s (detail removed by moderator), and it’s hard … to switch off something that was there for (removed by moderator) years, when you see the nice him – but you forget the really horrible nasty side that made you feel ill with fear. So hard. I know it was the right thing but right now it feels awful 🙁
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If you were only dealing with your upset at the loss of your relationship and all the changes that entails, and the children’s loss of the family as it was you would find it difficult but you would feel the sadness, support the children in their sadness but what makes it a thousand times worse is his awfulness. He’s awful on purpose as he knows it will upset you and he’s happy when you’re upset, when the kids are upset and when there’s chaos and negative feelings. He feels powerful and he pats himself on the back knowing he caused all this.
I’m just wondering if you move back to the house will he really move out. Him promising to move out might just be a carrot to get you to come back to where he is ,so its easier for him to abuse you than abuse you at a distance (which he is still doing). Never trust what they say (lies are second nature to abusers). He will say what it takes to get you back into proximity to him.
Abusers don’t mind separation as much as we do once they can keep up the contact with the ex and still manage to get into their head, cause upset, induce negative feelings and generally cause the victim’s life to be unmanageable. You can be separated but still not out of the abusive relationship, and he knows that.
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You really are going through a lot at the moment and you have done so well in leaving and him on the scene dictating doesn’t help. This is a rollercoaster of emotions for you trying to leave and stay away, maybe ring Women’s Aid for additional support tomorrow. Keep posting. This tumultuous time with the kids out of sync will pass to calmer, happier days. Take it easy and take it one day at a time or maybe one hour at a time.
This hard time will pass and these feelings will pass to more manageable levels if you could manage to not have any contact with him for a few days.
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Very true …. I need to stop trying to be nice (altho he thinks I am being horrid) and stop updating him etc. with a pic of the kids’ cakes, or a picture they drew. It’s playing to him.
He is properly moving out and taking my son’s (detail removed by moderator) (so that my son “has some things from home”!?!?!?) and the (detail removed by moderator). Nice move. He is taking other things too obviously but these little ones have annoyed me the most. Stop your kids watching TV at xmas – how horrible. I will be getting bolts on the doors as soon as I can.
A friend has pointed out that this is a pivotal point – down from the elation of leaving and now reality kicks in. When I think of it like that it’s a bit easier. I just don’t like being made to feel that I am making it up – why the heck does he think I left? … he seems to have literally no idea!
Tomorrow is another day, so onwards and upwards. Feel better for having a good cry and getting it all out.
Thank you for listening x*x
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Hello abc, I think of you often, being one step ahead of me in your quest for a better life. Your husband and mine seem so similar – you could be writing about him. Mine completely devalues the hurt and pain he has caused too. I am going to write a journal from my first day of freedom to help me cleanse and process. Just keep reaffirming your love to the kids and although I would do the same thing in updating my husband with their achievements to be fair and to be seen by everyone that you are being mature and kind, reading it in black and white I wonder if your husband thinks you still have feelings for him if you do this? That’s what I think mine would think even though I a. Doing it just to be nice. It’s just a thought. Keep strong – you are doing so very well and everyday is a day in the right direction xx
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Keep going. My kids are with my husband at his parents this weekend and it’s been so hard maintaining no contact with him when they call to ask why I’ve done this to their dad, and he belongs at home. (detail removed by moderator). They’re coming home tomorrow and all I’m feeling is guilt and pain. But they will start to see what he’s like, and eventually they’ll realise how he swings between saying how much he loves me and why he doesn’t understand the no contact rules, to how cruel and mental I am. Your husband will use every tactic without question or responsibility. Keep going x
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Something I noticed is how we keep trying to force a relationship between the children and their fathers. Sending updates and pics etc. This is not our responsibility. Do you think these men would do the same in return. No way. It’s one hundred percent upto them to establish and maintain a relationship directly with their children. We are not responsible for this. They are adults and have to make an effort. The burden of trying to keep them in the loop of the family is not ours anymore. It’s not our guilty to carry and the children will have to learn which parent lets them down and which one is their rock X
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