Feel railroaded

[Anonymous]

I’ve told a domestic violence support worker. And she tells me it’s abuse. Somehow in my head I still don’t call it abuse. I just dont think he likes me very much and is mean. Is that the same thing?

Anyhow she tells me there’s no need to report me to Social Care because im trying to get out.

But then this small voice in me thinks well if I choose to stay that means I’d be reported. If I lose my kids in anyway I would die. There’s no 2 ways about it.

So I have to go.

On the one hand it’s almost calming: I have no choice, there’s only 1 way forward. On the other hand I feel railroaded: like there’s no way put now I’ve told her.

Deep deep deep down i know there’s no choice. Emotionally I dont think I’ll survive being told what an awful person I am much longer. My self esteem is through my boots. I’m starting work soon and I’m terrified because I assume everyone will hate me/see me as the useless arrogant ugly b***h he has told me I am. I’m scared of that too.

A whole lot of fear here. Any kind words very appreciated.

[gettingtired]

Hi Sande, I know how you feel, that’s why I’m putting off contacting support services because I’m afraid then it all gets real. Plus telling my family is even scarier as I know then there’s no going back.
People at your new work will absolutely not think that of you whatsoever. That’s his nastiness talking. Mine has told me I have no hobbies, no ambition etc before which makes me feel boring. I know deep down I’m not that though and neither are you!
When he says those nasty things I try to think of it as him just describing himself to me, which actually a lot of the time it is! When he says I’m unsupportive, cold, selfish etc that’s all him!
I was terrified about starting a new job recently but it turns out everyone there is lovely. KIP told me on here that starting a new job should be an exciting new challenge not something stressful and that’s true. It’s them making it a stress for us.
It’s going to be a tough journey ahead but when you read over all the other women’s stories on here about after they’ve gotten out you see how much happier and free they are, finally living theirs and their childrens lives without fear. A dream! I can’t wait for that part but the detachment/leaving stage is going to be tough.
We are strong enough to endure their cr*p though so we are strong enough to leave these bullies and finally be free x*x

[Anonymous]

@gettingtired thank you x

That last sentence is just perfect: if I can put up with this ‘relationship’ I can manage anything. I do wish their words didn’t hit so hard. Honestly it’s like he’s taken over bits of my brain sometimes.

I hope your job is going well x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Sande

I understand you’re feeling railroaded.
It seems the choice and control have been taken out of your hands, first by him through his abuse now by your support worker by threatening you to (not!) report you.
That is very wrong in my opinion. This is pure victim blaming. HE is the one perpetrating abuse, HE should be the one being reported! HE should suffer consequences.
You are the victim/survivor in this situation, no obligations or consequences should be placed on you. None. Zero. Only choices should be presented to you. You should be rewarded for having the courage to speak out not put under pressure.
Doesn’t she know that FOG is the tool of control of the abuser?! Fear, Obligation and Guilt. By placing obligations onto you she is behaving exactly like him.

Additionally there are countless reasons one cannot ‘simply leave’ once aware of his abusive behaviour. For many of us this is the first time, therefore time is needed for all information to be processed, things needs to be organised all the while still getting abused at home, then there is trauma bond, brain-washing making us doubt if it’s even the right choice… a victim/survivor returns on average 7 times to her abuser.
Then everyone knows it’s the most dangerous time when leaving the abuser. So no pressure there right!?

Something is very wrong with the entire system to even suggest reporting you for being abused. Mind blowing unjust.
And it’s probably not even her doing, but procedures to follow. Which again are mind blowing.

Such paradox; if you don’t leave him, your children – not you! You as their mother are nothing, unimportant compared to them right?(NOT!) – anyways your children will be considered in danger. But in danger of what exactly? Legally speaking? Could she possibly spell it out for you? You are reaching out for support to be empowered right? Let her spell it out to you precisely so you can actually use her arguments together with your solicitor and build a case against your abuser.
Transform whatever seems to be your weakness in the eyes of the law (being abused apparently!?) transform it into your into your defense, offense actually.

Now I want to reassure you about your work. You will be great at it honey. Because no-one there will abuse you. You will be free to embrace your skills set again and thrive as you used to before meeting him. Your self-worth will grow again, you will rediscover great parts of yourself long hidden and buried. His silly little voice in your head will diminish. His opinion will have less impact because you’ll have professional surroundings reflecting your abilities with positivity instead of abusive putdowns you are used to receiving from him.
You will be great at your job because you will enjoy doing it. The world out there is good, benevolent. And if there are control freaks or bullies, there are strict reporting procedures to protect you. Specially as a woman you are very well protected, your rights are actually respected in the professional world 💪😘
You will meet new colleagues who will appreciate you for who you are 🤗
Wishing you a great start, enjoy it!!

You’ve got this darling, take good care of yourself, breathe deeply always alright.
Keep posting 💪💕

[Anonymous]

@HopeLifeJoy I honestly can’t say how refreshing it is to read such spirit and strength coming out of your words. If that could be bottled I’d buy a crate! I need a bit of fight.

I’m going to try to just slow the support worker. I need this job, I need to settle into the job, I definitely need to get my head around the myriad information im getting.

Conversely Womensaid have been super.

I will keep reading back your message. Believing in the fundamental kindness of people is something I am looking forward to.

X

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