Feel responsible

[confused101]

Hi all,

I’m a newbie, and embarrassed to be writing here as my experience does not match the horrible things that have happened to others. I have not been physically or sexually abused, and feel like a fraud/drama queen. Last night I called the helpline, as felt my head was about to explode as wasn’t sure if what has been happening is abuse or not. The lady I spoke to said it definitely was, emotional abuse. For a year, we’ve been together, and from a month in he has been dependent on me – financially and emotionally. He has threatened suicide when I’ve tried to end it previously (sent me images of him self-harming, and said the next time I’d see him would be at his funeral). His mother begged me to talk to him, and I relented. He is extremely volatile, i.e. flying off the handle within the blink of an eye, fine one second then literally the next second shouting all things at me (f’ing b***h). He never attacked my physical appearance – that was always, ‘you’re so sexy’ and ‘beautiful’, which I guess made me feel he didn’t completely hate me, and in a warped way make me feel he saw something good in me that no one else did. I challenged him for being nasty, and that calmed down but came out in other ways, i.e. sarcasm, being derisive/snidey, rather than full blown yelling (though that still happened sometimes, in fact, at least once a week now I think about it). I felt like nothing I did was right, and everything I said was challenged or belittled. He has a very troubled past, and I feel responsible, but at the same time, as the lady I spoke to last night advised, am enabling it. I’m not perfect, I’m a mess and riddled with anxiety after a previous abusive relationship, so feel that might have tainted my views on this one (he says it has, and I can’t see all the good he does for me. It feels however that he gives with one hand and takes with the other. I don’t want grand gestures, e.g. cooking a nice meal, just kindness in general, mundane, day to day life, and for him not to shout or be snidey and put me down). Usually when I challenged him being sarcastic or nasty (think David Platt when he was going off on one), he threw it back at me – I was seeing things wrong due to my own anxiety. It can be hard to believe that others just lack compassion can’t it. I’ve been in bits, crying my eyes out, and he has just stared at me, with what feels like derision, like I’ve no right to be upset as my life hasn’t been as hard as his and I’m being pathetic. I said I’m done last night, and since he’s been sending messages saying he has sought help from his GP and wants to get better (I’ve been asking him to seek help for months). It feels manipulative, but also I worry I’m a hard arsed b***h who is cutting him off when I’m needed most. I feel guilty and cold, and confused. At his core, I don’t believe is kindness, but nastiness and cruelty, but this is confusing as sometimes he could be lovely and cuddly and kind, but this never lasted, and it always felt like walking on eggshells waiting for the next fight or put down (it was like, either I let this snidey comment go, or challenge it and end up fighting a fight I don’t want and can’t win). He has said I must have never really loved him, and towards the end all I was feeling was numb and scared, so I guess he’s right, that isn’t love. But I still feel guilty for abandoning him when needed, despite everything. he says it’s not fair as he was getting better, and I didn’t give him a chance, but I feel suffocated, and s**t about myself, that I’m a horrible b***h for putting him down and not saying anything he could do was good enough, but the relationship felt parasitic – he leeched off me, financially and emotionally, but I’m not sure whether he realised it or not. Maybe he wasn’t capable of realising it. I’m sorry for the long, rambling post, I really am. Trying to make sense of it all. Love and support to all. xo

[Confused123]

Hun I would call Womens aid and ask for guidance , they will guide u to right agencies that can help u ,don’t let him or family guilt trick u into sticking it out with him , emotional
Abuse will lead to u feel depressed and breaks your self esteem , then they up the abuse. Get help for yourself now

[Serenity]

Hi my Sweetheart,

In between making never, I was rubbish and dependent and ugly and powerless, my ex had moments where he would name me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

Please just beat this in mind.

In a good relationship, tender moments are t followed by the dehumanising cruelty
Xxxx

[Lisa]

Hi confused101 and welcome to the forum. Please don’t feel like you don’t deserve to tell your story on this forum, everyone does and emotional abuse is just as important as any other forms of abuse.

Your partner sounds like a classic abuser. He pushes and pushes and the moment he realises he has gone too far he starts to say the things he thinks you want to hear. When that doesn’t work he tries to make you feel guilty. You need to know that whatever he does to himself is his responsibility and not yours. He is responsible for his actions just as you are responsible for yours. Notice that he only starts to say he will change and knows he has a problem when you say you are walking away.If he truly believed he was in the wrong he would want to change and wouldn’t want to hurt you, but he only said it when he was running out of other options.

It is great you have spoken to Women’s Aid about this and it sounds like it helped you. It might take a few more phone calls before you are ready to make a decision about what you want to do with this. However, something to remember is that you can never change him. The thing you need to decide is whether you want to be part of this relationship or not and that is a difficult thing to decide.

Keep posting on here and speaking to as many people as you can. Just remember that you are not to blame for this and you are doing nothing wrong.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Serenity]

Typing errors

Sorry, it was meant to read in between making me feel I was rubbish

And Bear this in mind

[confused101]

Thank you. It is humbling that others care, and your words really mean the world. Thank you. I’m sorry for the rambling message – had had more than a little wine by that point. I finished the relationship, and since he has sent messages saying he has had a crisis (been very angry and in melt down). He has seen his GP who has referred him to a mental health team (which I have been asking him to do for months). He thinks he has borderline personality disorder, and pleading for me to stay with him as he can’t do this on his own. He says he has come so far, and I don’t give him credit for it. It’s true, he has tried to stop shouting as much, but, as I think I rambled last night, the nastiness just seems to come out in other ways, e.g. sarcasm, snidineess, cursing under breath, but with less severe flying off the handle. I saw a friend last night, who made me block his messages. Now I am terrified he is really in trouble and tried suicide. He self-harms (did before I met him, and again when we last broke up – he sent pictures of him doing this, and threatening suicide, which he later accepted was blackmail, but said he was having a meltdown and couldn’t cope). I held on to the hope he would change for so long, and do feel guilty that I’m calling it off when he could well be close to turning the corner, but the anger in him doesn’t seem to go away, it’s always there, and just takes a misunderstood comment or bad day/minute to set it off. To be honest, I don’t want this drama. I just want a quiet life, but want him to be happy and better, for himself and other people around him. I’ve given up on the fairytale ending, as I agree that people only change if they want to, and I think he is maybe too damaged to see that he should/could. It’s like changing was too much effort, and ultimately he didn’t want to; he just wanted me to be a crutch to support him. I feel very guilty, like I led him on, but I just wanted him to change and realise how his being nasty affected me. It’s hard to know where to draw the line isn’t it, and feel either way I can’t win – either I’m too soft, and try to let whatever he throws wash over me, or be firm and feel like a cold b***h. Now I feel pathetic, like I overreacted, and am just like everyone else who turned their back on him, or in reality worse, since I gave him hope and supported him and have now destroyed him.

In my late teens, I had a relationship with (I believe) a psychopath. Not the murderous kind, but just someone without empathy. He cheated many times and lied constantly, and by the time I found out (as the last one), I was crushed. I couldn’t believe anyone could be as deceitful and cruel. His friends and family turned against me, saying I was cruel to make him suffer (he cried to anyone who would listen as I wouldn’t take him back, despite him bombarding me with letters and gifts, all the while continuing to see other people). I now know how he treated me was wrong, and have pretty much let that settle (it took many years), but I am worried the same will happen – everyone will turn against me, for being melodramatic and not giving credit where it’s due (he is better in himself than he has ever been, and I feel guilty and cruel for not letting that be good enough, particularly when he is fighting his own demons. I’m terrified that the break up will ruin him, and he will kill himself. He has often said he isn’t made for this world. So what does that make of me. Someone who left him knowing he has these thoughts. I think he is genuinely in despair, and of course that is largely my fault. While he was damaged before, I gave him hope then crushed him. I feel guilty for stubbornly thinking he is taking advantage and pushing for more and more out of me. I guess him taking advantage of me, financially and emotionally, can’t be his fault if he genuinely can’t see he is doing it, and just wants help.

I remember at the time the teen relationship ended, I suddenly saw the world as a bad place, where people didn’t care about each other. Everywhere people seemed to be cheating and lying and taking advantage of one another, and I was the weird one, with something not right, for seeing something wrong in this. The night I ended the current relationship, I called a friend I don’t see very often to say I thought I had just ended an abusive relationship, but her reaction was strange, as in it was downplayed, and I don’t think she really believed it was abuse (she hasn’t met him, and is currently very loved up in a new relationship, so I guess that doesn’t help, but now I am doubting my own judgement. She is my friend, and knows me, and I think she believes I am overreacting. I wonder if anyone else has had experience of people close to them downplaying it, and by extension not validating it? I told another friend, a month or so back, also, that I suspected he was abusive, but again, while she listened at the time, I don’t think she really understood (or cared?) how badly it was affecting me, and that she thought it was my fault for putting up with it (simply, if he was bad, I should just get rid). She hasn’t asked about it since, so again I feel I’m being melodramatic and too sensitive/pathetic. Since the teen relationship, I’ve had a string of not abusive but stupid relationships, each of which has ended with me feeling pathetic, and I don’t blame my friends for getting fed up with it, and I do worry that that relationship has tainted how I now see others, i.e. see bad when there isn’t bad there. Over the past few months I’ve been withdrawn, and admittedly not a nice or fun person to be around, so I think many of my former friends have given up, as they now see me as self-absorbed/anti-social or too stressed over nothing. I wish I didn’t feel like such a w****o and loser, in myself and with men or was at least stronger to have more faith in my own convictions.

I’m sorry for the second rambling post. I feel writing all this c**p is very self-indulgent, when I should just get a grip and stop being so self-focused, when there is far more severe, very real abuse happening to other women. My heart breaks that people are so cruel to others who don’t deserve it, and I hope for all the support in the world for you strong, beautiful ladies who are experiencing this now.

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

Dont apologize speak as much as u need to , its a way of clarifying your feelings , firstly ignore his sucide attempts, if he does choose to end his life thats his choice, its not your fauly ,u r not responsible for him, a lot of these guys say that, my ex too said ill kill myself , u know what he didnt, some actually do prob one in million , but u know what it is still there choice, good on your friend for making u block him,it will make u stronger hun. Yes u will find a lot of your friends and family cant understand abuse and they do reeact in appropriateley, thats why this site is blessing as we have all experienced and u need to have experienced to truly understand how they make u feel. I beleive u can’t help any one till u help yourself ,u have to love yourself first, u cant help him , only professionals can,if his serious about getting help he will get it , u dont have to support him just cause his getting help. I was just thinking other day i supported ex so much but he still thought it was ok to beat me up, walking away and saying no its not ok is the best thing , doesnt matter how sorry they are , u cant go back to them so dont feel bad or guilty. It is sad that these men think they can do this to us ladies, but sites like this make it possible to let us ladies know we not alone , what seems like no way out, there is way out

[Nomorenomore]

Hi Hun I have recently posted my experience but you know what over the last 7 years I have written posts for this and the old forum and then decided not to post and deleted them instead. They were very much like your
Posts. Starting off with my husband is just a lovely man but occasionally has angry outbursts. I write I know he would never hit me though but his anger is very scary and ott. Fast forward a few years and the deleted post was about how he occasionally smashes things in my home ( the tv the oven door) punches walls and his own head. In between these episodes he was the MOST wonderful loving man. Then it just started getting worse and worse. I wish I had listened to that inner voice way back when we were dating that said RUN. Our instinct is very accurate never doubt yourself listening to it. Friends can be selfish and if they have never experienced it they have no clue what it is like. Don’t judge your good instincts on other peoples hopeless ones. If your partner does take his own life this is not your fault. He has made his own choices a choice to scare you a choice to abuse you and a choice to kill himself. These are not your choices.

[Author]

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