Feel so alone and confused

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

LONG POST
Hi all. Haven’t posted in months as I’m in a happy healthly relationship and healing well until this new spout of negativity. So I have known for years my mum can be quite cold and manipulative but I just got on with it and tried to push past it but now it’s got worse and I have now realised my brother is the same. Me and my brother clashed a few months ago over nothing really, we were both drinking and he kept picking and picking at me about my relationship. Apparently I’m nasty, treat my partner like rubbish etc which is not true, so I snapped because he hasn’t exactly been the doting partner he makes out to be and of course I was made out to be the bad guy and apologised the next day. Few months passed and again we were drinking and again we clashed. If I’m honest I can’t remember the night fully, when I’ve had drinks I do become loud and talkative, his friends were there and I was talking to them but I could feel my brother getting embarrassed so then i think I went into auto pilot like I did with my ex. I became very protective and again looked like the bad one so I left and went home. It’s been weeks and my mum has tried to sort things out between us but I’ve said to her I can’t this time because he really hurt my feelings. I apparently owe my brother an apology but no one will tell me why? I know it all sounds very petty but I’m not a confrontational person and I hate arguments so I thought I would try to resolve the issue with my brother and he has completely ignored me and won’t give a reason as to why I need to apologise? My mum has taken his side and again won’t tell me why. I’m left in the dark and I feel my mental health is spiralling. All those demons are surfacing from when I was in a abusive relationship. I don’t know what I have done and I’m panicking I’ve done something terrible. My partner is reassuring me that I said or done nothing bad but I can’t stop thinking about it. Only time I have peace from my thoughts is when I’m asleep but then I dream about him and I wake up so down and sad. I don’t know what to do. He’s made up lies also to my mum and she believes him. I feel like I’m the problem, all my past and now this I feel like no one likes me and I’m the one who needs help. But then I tell myself I know my mum can be hard work and always took sides even when we were little. One would always be the golden child for so long then she would change. Feel like I’m going mad and I’m taking my emotions out on my partner. Maybe this is my realisation that I need to step back and actually accept I don’t need to have them in my life if it’s only going to bring me negativity but then also I think she’s my mum and he’s my brother. My head is all over the place. I feel so alone and I just want to know what I have done to upset him. He upset me too that night but my feelings don’t seem to count. Just hope someone has read my story and maybe in similar situation. Just feel so so sad and I don’t want to fall in that dark hole again like I did with my ex. I have come so far. We are meant to be all going on holiday this year and I don’t want to go because I don’t want to be walking on egg shells all holiday and him making comments. I just want to be told I’m not going mad but then maybe I am? 😭😭😭😭

[maddog]

Families are complicated and we’re all different. My own family was profoundly dysfunctional.

It may help to take a step back. Our parents are still only flawed people. As adults, we can do nothing to change the behaviour of another adult. People are as they are. We can only work on ourselves. Ultimately we need to pick up the reins and drive our own lives.

I have a particularly awful sibling who has only ever treated me with contempt apart from when it suits them not to. Alcohol is very dangerous in the mix. Just recently been there and done that! It’s so important to be able to get away, and escape through a bottle really doesn’t work well. I’ve spent too long down that rabbit hole.

There’s lots of real life help and support out there. Abuse drives anyone crazy.

You may feel that you have to go away on holiday with your family. The reality is that you don’t. What’s going to happen if you make other plans? Can you weigh up the positives and the negatives? What control does your mother still hold over you? There are often veiled threats in dysfunctional families.

Women’s Aid can support you. NAPAC is also a brilliant organisation. Baby steps as you disentangle yourself from this web.

[Author]

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