Viewing 16 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #16524
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      It’s been months now of not seeing him, no contact unless through solicitors or what I hear from police and I’m not moving on in my head. I wish he’d just beaten me because then I could say, that was wrong for sure, I’d have something to see but the psychological stuff, the abuse of all the faith I put in his promises is so difficult to process in my head. I’m so angry at myself for being in this position, for the loss of the man I loved, the person I thought he was and believed in. Im so desperately sad that I can’t go back in time and somehow fix it. Get through to him what he was doing to me, to us and make it stop. I know I had to get my kids away from that toxic atmosphere of uncertainty and fear he created. But why can’t that be enough for me? Why do I miss him so much? His actions have ruined my life I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, I go through the motions feeling ashamed and damaged and all I desperately want is for him to put his arms around me and make me feel better. If I meant all he said I did then why did he not get the help he promised, why has he put us through all of this? He’s still got his friends phoning the house, despite all the court orders and bail restrictions. He’s still trying to mess with my head and all I can think is I wish I could have him back. Which I know makes me utterly pathetic and worthless. My head won’t stop bouncing around from the good times to the awful times. But before I got out all I felt was fear and dread of what was coming from him next so why is it now all I can think about is how much I miss him. Dont feel I’m coping and I can’t see an end to it. Sorry for rant but everyone around me talks about what a bad evil guy he is and I want to scream at them how much I love and miss and grieve him. It’s like I’m not allowed to remember a single happy time so there’s no space to grieve what I’ve lost. All the future life I thought we were going to build together, it’s all gone. Everyone expects me to be happy and I just can’t be. The loss is just so terrifyingly consuming. I just want to scream until no noise will come. X

    • #16527
      [email protected]
      Participant

      I have felt exactly the same as you over and over and guess what I went back every time! I have a restraining order against him and legally he isn’t even allowed to be near me but he always kept contacting me. In my head I felt good I thought look at the amount of restrictions against him and what he could lose but here he is still risking it all for me. Surely he must love me? That’s what I kept telling myself.

      Every time I was with him I couldn’t wait to leave. Two days of “love” quickly turned into the same old toxic relationship. He had me! I was back in the trap of being miserable, isolated, fearful,lonely,depressed – list goes on. I long for those days now where I felt like I needed him but had enough will power to tell myself no.

      You are in the position are now for a reason. Heathly relationships do not end this way. They are selfish and calculated. Don’t confuse it for love. It’s hard I know but going back into trap is a 1000x worse.

      Believe me I am in it now!

      • #16562
        Escaped not free
        Participant

        Small steps…I feel for you. Thank you for your perspective. It’s very sobering. I know I don’t want it to be like that, I just wish he could have stayed the nice guy, not the monster. I hope you find the strength to find something that works for you and you get to a better place. It’s frightening how alike all these men are, how similarly they behave when you read what other women have been through. I kept thinking we were unique, that’s why my friends didn’t “get it”. Why I stayed, why I tried so hard. X

    • #16530

      Dear Escaped, I don’t know if this will make you feel any better but I feel EXACTLY the same. I know in my heart that I do not want to get back together with him, i’m happier now on my own, but I feel that he has not taken responsibility as a grown up & acted respectfully towards me. His lack of actions have caused me over the past 2.5 months deep trauma to the point of physical pain deep inside of me. I have been obsessed and have not been able to stop talking about it to anybody who will listen, i have just been looking for answers so that I could find peace. I know I have peace inside me, I had it before. But it feels that he has taken it away. At the time of myself ending our relationship which i did via email, this was a kind, respectful and honest email, i wished him all the best and the content was sad as a break up but not twisted or sinister. At the point I was sure, I had no real issues and was reasonably peaceful mentally as much as i could be. His response however took the wind out of my sails and removed my internal peace replacing it by so much trauma, turmoil, tears and deep longing for him. Every single day I think of him, as soon as i open my eyes. I am desperate for him to contact me or show some small sign that he still cares. It just doesn’t make sense why I have such longing for even a one line email. I blocked him too which makes it all the more contradictory. Escaped i am sorry that you are suffering the same trauma as me. If i could understand why I feel as i do then i could tackle it but I do not fully. X*X

    • #16536

      PS: My ex told me i was his soulmate, he loved me with all of his heart, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, we made plans for our retirement, concrete plans. One week later he was saying to me we had no future. Escaped I wonder if you (and i) can approach this as a blip in our lives. I felt that I had met the love of my life, this was the most significant relationship that i have ever had. But maybe it will be possible for us to look at these scenarios in another way. By all means grieve, my counsellor told me about the Cycle of Grief and/or the Cycle of Loss, both of which helped me. But as well, why not look at these relationships as a period of time, and look back to before these men even came into our lives, maybe even think about past heartbreak and how we recovered. I had a fully functioning life before I met my ex, i have also suffered heartbreak before, and i got over it eventually. You will get over all of this mental s**t………….I have psychological trauma as my ex was not physically violent, he controlled me with power and manipulation. We will get through this. XXXX

    • #16537
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      Thank you both. I’m sorry for both of you but it does make me feel less mad for feeling the way I do. I know I can’t go back to him. It’s gone too far and I care too much for my children. I just wish I could change my feelings. I want to not care for him at all. I still feel guilty that he’s in trouble with the police and they have pressed these charges. Although I know I’ve told nothing but the truth and there’s other evidence of his behaviour and everyone tells me I’m doing the right thing and he’s no good. I still feel responsible for him and for destroying any possible future. Of all the messages he sent the one that I longed for and never came was the one where he took responsibility, arranged to start seeing a professional to get help to stop him doing these things and ask me to be there for him at the end if he gave me space while he sorted himself out. He couldn’t do it. The lack of control just made him stoop to more and more emotional blackmail. I feel so stupid. X*x

    • #16539

      But you have not destroyed the future that was promised, he did. I think that these men are actually controlled and possible calculated in how they act. One step ahead in a game of manipulation. We are dealing with people who do not seem to function as the majority of normal people do. I long, yearn desperately wish for some form of contact from my ex, his friend, relative or associate, just to know that he still thinks of me. Possibly even cares. It would comfort me to think he is still continuing the dreaded silent treatment, i would prefer that rather than him just frankly, not caring and moving on where he is (removed by moderator)  other women without a single thought for me. I let down every single barrier, he was my most significant relationship, I am approaching middle aged and have had severe trauma and MH issues now for close to 3 months without let up due to what happened.

    • #16543
      Ayanna
      Participant

      I am so sorry that you suffer like this. I remember, that I suffered enormously a very long time ago, when my then partner finished with me on the phone. He manipulated me, abused me emotionally and financially. He left me drained of every penny and in poverty. He never raised a finger against me. He was never physically violent.
      I have buried that and it earths again now, maybe through reading all the posts here.
      I missed him like crazy and on the other hand I hated him for what he had done to me.
      I tell you what I did to get over him. I knew he was a worthless cockroach and actually he deserved something else, which I cannot say here, but not my love.
      I just looked for another man and had great sex with him. I dumped him after a few months because he was useless. But I got over that abuser and could move on with my life.
      I heard from many other women too that having sex with another man helps to get over a failed relationship.
      That may sound as if I was using that man. I do not care. That man was an idiot anyway, but he was good in bed for a while.
      If I were not able to get over my ex abuser I would do the same again. But this time I just have had it with men and do not miss anyone and do not want them near me.

      • #16560
        Escaped not free
        Participant

        Ayanna you are so strong. I wish I could get a little of what you had. I wish I had more of a f**** it attitude. Maybe one day.
        HA I really hope you enjoy your holiday and it works out for you. A holiday by yourself. That actually sounds lovely. You deserve some good fun.
        Thank you confused. You’re right I know, it’s toxic. X

    • #16544

      That is a good tip i hadn’t considered that, i’m going on holiday (by myself) (removed by moderator) so will give it a go!!!!

    • #16554
      Confused123
      Participant

      Time and support is the true heaaler, our brain only lets us process how much it thinks we can cope with. its good u realized it was toxic realtionship, this is the reason u must stay away, love yourself and teach yourself that u deserve to be respected

    • #16558
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      I know you are right HA. My rational head knows it. I just don’t know who I am anymore without him. The last few years have been so consumed by bringing up my children and him. Now he’s gone I don’t know that there’s anything there of me or what me is. My life revolved around him. He convinced me to move to this house where he has friends close by, on the same street in fact and I have nobody and niw the neighbours stare at me as I come and go as though I’m some kind of freak show. This was supposed to be our “forever home”. The place our grandchildren would come and stay at. I feel so numb. I think I’d feel better if he had just disappeared. The only communication I get from third parties are his demands for things from the house. then there’s the female “friend” whom he kept dangling in the background throughout our relationship. She was such a great friend that in (removed by moderator)  I never met her. He’s been staying with her off and on. I get a break while he’s with her, while he’s not he seems to be looking for ways to hurt me. He’s given up work as he says he’s too stressed but I know it’s because he’s looking for legal aid. This just gives him more time to obsess about getting back at me. My friends keep reinforcing to me that all I did was get away. I was never nasty or mean, I tried my hardest to keep it amicable, to be friends, begged and pleaded with him like I always did. He just couldn’t loose face or control so to get both back he’s done a great job of portraying me as a psycho. As everything he did to me was hidden from his friends, and he always seemed like the life and soul of the party I’m now the evil witch. I hide from everyone and everything, I’m terrified of going back to work because I don’t think I will cope anymore. I’ve never felt so lacking in confidence or so utterly ashamed. He tells lies and tells me I’m shameful if I speak the truth. I was started on antidepressants a couple of weeks ago and had a horrendous reaction to them. Couldn’t function, constant feeling of terror, vomiting, shaking. The GP has changed them, said it was quite dangerous what was happening to me. I’ve never had any MH issues in my life before now. Like you though the last few months have just been hell. I’m seeing a counsellor through WA but I just ramble on about my feelings which are all over the place for an hour while she listens. It’s not cbt. I just wish there was a cure. I wish there was something I could do, a prescription if some kind…do X and y and in three weeks he will mean nothing to you and you will know who you are again. People keep telling me to be good to myself but I honestly don’t know how. I look awful, terribly underweight, grey skin, my hair just seems to hang and I look so tired. I just can’t get any pleasure from anything anymore. I go through the motions and pretend. My mum and stepdad have been incredibly supportive but even they are driving me mad. They obviously hate him and get frustrated with me that I can’t be that way. They’ve stepped in to help because I needed it but it’s just made me feel even more useless and like they are now controlling me, although I know that’s not their intention. I don’t want to meet anyone else, I could never be as close to another man again, I feel like he was it for me. All the things he told me I was to him to get what he wanted, that’s what he actually was to me, my feelings were utterly genuine. The police came to take my old phone yesterday, went through all his messages with me and their faces said it all. They asked me if he had always been like that, so manipulative. I cried and said I suppose he was I just didn’t know that’s what it was. I thought it was live, I thought it was real intimacy. More shame. X*x

    • #16563

      These men have been so big in our lives, they have given us something that was lacking. I have never been in love, had passion, companionship, had someone love me and been so in tune with anybody before. Reading back that sentence I ask if every word was actually in reality, smoke & mirrors, gas lighting, manipulation. My ex had a knack of finding out my deepest thoughts & feelings, hopes and dreams, and then sometime later more or less the exact secrets that I shared with him, he would suddenly develop. i.e i would tell him, after he asked, that I dream of sitting on a tropical island, holding my partners hand. A week or so later he would casually throw into conversation how much he has always wanted to walk along a beach on a tropical island holding his loved ones hand!!!! Calculated & cunning or what! So what I am getting at is those magical, soulmate, deep bonding times how real were they, were they contrived? my ex would be expert at getting me to open up & reveal my deepest darkest secrets. One day he said something to me which was so ludicrous I almost died laughing, he pretended to be into meditation which is something that I am into. him doing meditation was so at odds with his personality, he let his mask slip to me. As i got to know him i came to realize If i had an accident or was ill, he would not be there for me, that behavior is at odds with the declarations of eternal love isn’t it. Is there no way you can turn this around into your favor? is it an option for you to buy him out & stay in the big house? At the moment you are quite isolated as you live alone with your children but surrounded by his friends & associates, it puts you on a back footing. I think that the cure to our depression and betrayal is time, you have this house hanging over you which is bound to make you edgy in addition to him & his behavior. My feelings were real, i gave our relationship my all, i changed myself to fit us, i altered my personality, i believed his words. Reading your post again perhaps it wouldn’t’ be good to stay in the area near his friends i think it would be better to move away from them.

    • #16570
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      Yes, the plan is to move. House will be going on the market. He arranged through solicitor for me to drop stuff of his off at his friends the other day and when I went to do it his care was parked at their house. I didn’t go near. They then spent the evening continually phoning my landline until I unplugged it. Then left a message asking if they could come and collect the items. All of this is not permitted under the court orders. Told my solicitor and she was not impressed. Said I should report it to police but I just think that’s playing into his hands. She said in future he will have to pay for courier/removal company to collect belongings. I’m just trying not to react. I don’t honestly know anymore what if anything was real and what was just smoke and mirrors. Even my close friends who say he’s got serious issues have said they believe he did love me as deeply as he is capable of loving anyone but he just has no idea how to treat other people and no conscience it would seem. I need to get stronger I know. Thank you for your words. X

    • #16572

      At the moment you have a lot of unpleasant practicalities going on with belongings, house sale etc. Once all of this is sorted out you will be thinking more clearly, at the moment you are very angry and hurt and when you like that you cant think rationally or logically. I had a similar joint thing that I had to untangle, until I done this i suffered great stress. I felt better after I had done it. Cancelled a joint holiday and made alternative arrangements for myself.

    • #16574

      I believe that my ex has mental health problems and difficulty in functioning normally in relationships, he has too many internal issues. I thought about offering the hand of friendship & support to him, but decided against it right now. I will do my bit by not getting him into trouble as he commits fraud, that is me doing my bit for him.

    • #16579
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      Your right, I think if all the legal/house stuff wasn’t going on as well I’d get a bit of space. Yes, I too think he has serious issues, I think he knows it too because he has offered to go to therapy when he’s been doing charm offensive. I think he did want a life with me, but just as long as my life was an extension of him and whatever his needs were at any given moment. My good friend did point out that I need to think of this now as a property transaction and be thankful I’m not married or sorting out child custody with him as that really would be a nightmare. My ex too has very shady things going on that I have told nobody about. Anything I have told the police have only ever been about keeping my children and I safe. I don’t want revenge. I just want a life…..one day. X

    • #16593

      Have a look at 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships, there is a whole chapter called Intimacy or Intensity, the Relationship Litmus test. It helped me so much to identify the serious love bombing as soon as we met and the serious intensity and why these words were DEEPLY HOOKING me in. His words to me early on, and throughout though reducing at the time the abuse intensified, ‘you are my world, you are all that i will ever need, i love you with every fiber of my being!!! (combined with amazing sex)’…………I think back many years ago to my lovely, kind hearted, good all round bloke of a husband, i never had one ounce of these pathetic months of trauma bonding, never once feeling manipulated or duped. What you saw is what you got, good, reliable, trustworthy, kind. Regrettably we split for other reasons but he was most certainly not one inch an abusive man and I did not have throughout gas lighting, fear and months of trauma and severe yearning after we split. This must say something about the affects and after affects of emotional & mental abuse. My ex husband never said to me those intense words, he was normal, loving and kind, told me he loved me and his actions backed this up. My ex lovebombed me and promised me the world but his actions were the polar opposite, a total PIG. This MUST be the reason we are suffering so much now. Just trying desperately to put my finger on it.

    • #16628
      Ayanna
      Participant

      You will have a life, Escaped not free. Next year by the same time things will be much better.
      I kept thinking like that when I went through all the endless court hearings and divorce proceedings. And this year things are definitely much better. Last year by this time I was in the deepest possible hell. One year on and everything is completely different. You will experience this too!
      Hang in there! You are doing incredibly well! x*x

Viewing 16 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account