Feel so low.

[Moonflower1]

Sorry I just need to vent.

I don’t post very often as I am too scared to act on the advice given but thank you to anyone who reads this and replies.

I have another awful week with my other half. It started (detail removed by moderator). No big deal you would think. But no, he’s says it a sign of how careless I am and how I don’t give a s@@t about money. Money he has to earn and I just squander. He’s says (detail removed by moderator). Until recently I’ve always worked or when I didn’t work I supported him so he could further his career. When I talk about going back to work he says how is that possible when you don’t have time to do XUZ now and you don’t work? Anyway this leads on
to other ‘misdemeanours’ by me and more name calling/criticism. Apparently I don’t communicate properly (although no one else seems to have an issue), i am careless and I don’t look after things properly (I dropped oil on the floor when cooking)

Tried to resolve things last night but ended up spending nearly 2 hours going round in circles. He just goes on and on and on until I will just say anything to make him stop.

Sorry for rambling on. I just need to get the words out and I have no one to talk to.

[freedomtochoose]

hello moonflower,
this is a very tough journey hon you are on.
I don’t think you need me to tell you it is emotional abuse.
That feeling as if you ‘can’t win’.

Despite recovery issues, please know things are so much better on the other side, so to speak.

try to speak to Women’s aid. Keep posting. We can help.
Breaking it down into baby steps.
all best
ftc
x

[Flowerchild]

Darling Moonflower, you vent away! That’s what we’re here for, so we don’t feel alone and crazy like our abusers want us to feel.

Everyone. Makes. Mistakes.

He does; you do; I do. A simple mistake is no excuse for hours of relentless undermining of you as a person. Nobody needs that nagging negativity in their life. When did you promise to be perfect, anyway?

The correct, normal response to losing a small item or spilling something while cooking is “Oh dear, never mind, easily fixed!”

What would happen, I wonder, if you droned on for hours, nagging him about every little mistake he made?

I bet you wouldn’t dare. I bet he wouldn’t stand for it. He’s wearing you down, isn’t he, sweetheart? Sucking all the joy out of your life like one of Harry Potter’s dementors!

Have you told him you’re getting tired of his joyless, negative attitude? He’s the one who needs to change. It sounds like he might be much happier on his own, doesn’t it, with only his own human failings to manage!

I used to wonder why it was always my fault if something went wrong and it took ages for me to see it was because I was basically doing everything! Of course my mistakes were visible because I was the only one doing anything!

Also, he got so angry and defensive if I dared find a fault with him that I just kept bring out the big brass band to celebrate if he ever lifted a finger.

This is no way to live, is it sweetheart? You only get one life and he’s hanging over yours like a stinky cloud of gas.

What do YOU want?

Flower x

[Moonflower1]

Flowerchild, thank you for your reply.

You are absolutely right when you say “Of course my mistakes were visible because I was the only one doing anything!” This is exactly what happens. When shopping he picked up the item we wanted and carried it around the shop for over 30 mins but when it came to pay I had to do that because going to the till would have been too much effort i suppose. Therefore I am now responsible for the item. Likewise the following day I am trying to do a million things at once while he does nothing and yet I am in the wrong for making a mess. And you are right I can never argue back and point out how stupid this is and things he has done wrong. I have learnt from bitter experience that things will on get worse. He will escalate until he wins. That’s it its all about winning and being on top. (Detail removed by moderator). I know its madness but I cant seem to fight back or walk away.

You ask what I want – the answer is a quiet peaceful life without all the chaos! About (detail removed by moderator) ago I go to the point were I was ready to leave. I’d spoken to WA, had a counsellor to support me and told a friend. I was all set, prepared for the fall out. But he managed to guilt trip me into staying as he says it was best for our daughter.

Now (detail removed by moderator) years down the line and he uses our daughter to blame me for upset he causes. She gets upset when we fall out (to the point of vomiting recently) and he says “look what you are doing to her” Me!! (detail removed by moderator)  I say fall out but its in fact, he shouts and I quiver is a better description.

(Detail removed by moderator).

Thanks again for listening.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there sweetheart, good to see you posting.

Something really struck me from Flower’s post: “Of course my mistakes were visible because I was the only one doing anything!” This is so true. And just like Flower, I remember the arguements when I tried to say “at least I do something” because then I could be assured I would hear several hour long lectures about that time 1/2/3 or 4 years ago where he really gave the flat a good clean. I once challenged him, he liked to win after all, so I said let’s write it down every day what we do in the flat to keep it clean, whether we are at work or not, we both write it down and then when you win, I will admit I’m wrong. He somehow agreed to that, and for the first day I will hold my head up high and admit he did do the laundry and the dishes. The next day he decided this challenge was so rude towards him, no normal relationship goes around writing it down, I should just believe him when he said he does more around the flat. Yea right. The idea of being faced with the truth that I might actually not only be right but also be doing more than him… it was just too much for him to take. I didn’t say this, I just agreed to keep the peace.

While your post may have been redacted to keep you safe, the abuse you’re suffering still shines through and you can always come on here to get it all out. It’s also good for you to look back upon, a way to see patterns forming. He will twist everything for so long so that you forget what it is you were even wanting to talk to him about to begin with, he wants you to give up on the conversation. If you want to go back to work, you are allowed to. What he is really telling you is that he doesn’t want to have to help you with the chores which he most certainly ought to (job or no job). And such abuse is horrible, but yes, do what Flower suggested and ask yourself; what do you want to do?

Keep posting on here to let us know how you get on.

[Moonflower1]

Yes you are right he doesn’t do much around the house but will act like superhero if he loads the dishwasher. At the same time he is an expert on all household chores and how they should be done. We’ve been together a long time and I have allowed this to happen because it causes too much aggro if I ask him to do something. He will find something to complain about, the cupboards are untidy, the knives are in the wrong place etc. So to avoid this I do all the jobs. If he says he’ll cook or load dishwasher I immediately get really anxious as I think Oh dear what will he find to have a go at me about – even when I know there is nothing to find.

[KIP.]

Hi, I went round and round for decades trying to justify myself but the bottom line is nothing you will ever do will satisfy him. It’s not about your actions although they are very clever at moving the spotlight away from their behaviour onto ours, it’s about him being abusive. You could be the most perfect partner there ever was and he would simply change the goal posts or make up something to abuse you over. I’ve posted before about the buckets. We all carry a ‘bucket’. Abusers like to dump all their c**p in our bucket. Weighing us down with their toxic smelly c**p. While their bucket is light empty and smells great. They thrive on our despair and depression and confusion. It makes their day. They care nothing for us. They are parasites and will suck every last drop of happiness and hope while they skip on down their Merry path leaving us broken. I lived this life for decades until I discovered they he actually chooses to behave this way. That’s the sort of human being you’re dealing with x

[Moonflower1]

Thanks KIP. I always read your responses and think you seem very wise.

(Detail removed by moderator) years we’ve been together and I feel crushed. I came across some photos of myself yesterday from around the time we met and I was so emotional thinking of what happened to that woman. I was a single parent but I had a good job, my own house and car. I looked happy and carefree with friends and family. Now I have nothing. A house that I am stuck in all day, few friends and family miles away. We have a comfortable life now and he does work hard to provide but I all feels empty and meaningless. I feel trapped. I don’t currently work and don’t have access to cash – we have a joint bank account but he cut up my cash card several years ago and its never been replaced. I have a credit card for shopping or personal expenses but if i need cash I have ask him for it.

[KIP.]

His controlling behaviour is why he criticises the house work. I spent hours and hours cleaning to try and prevent another outburst. He got what he wanted. He didn’t have to lift a finger. That’s controlling behaviour. I was so wrapped up in trying to please him that I missed the whole point. He was a nasty controlling abuser and yes, he simply changed the goal posts when the house was tidy he would move onto something else. I had to do everything which was exhausting. I remember booking his car in for a service which was also my job, (the booking in not the service although I would probably have had to do that too it he’d thought about it) the Bill was hundreds of pounds and although he paid it right away and could have gone elsewhere he was furious with me for using that garage, the same garage we had always used. So you can see how they behave. I can see it as clear as day now I’m free and I can’t believe I got to the point where I just couldn’t break free. Such was his behaviour he had broken my spirit, destroyed my self esteem my confidence and my mental health. Please don’t think he will ever change.

[Beautifully Broken]

The more tired we are the more control they have, I had to be careful and change routines without him realising to get stronger to find a way out. (Children went to bed so did I) set alarm to rush through jobs. I ate little amounts with the children as he always wanted takeaways. As arguments would kick off and nothing made was what he wanted, and if I did it would go in the bin) however I think he started to realise something was changing in me as I wouldn’t want any of the food and eventually got the energy to question some of his actions however then it changed from emotional abuse to physical abuse, he apologised etc and I let it go however in a lot of pain until then he started throwing things at my children etc. Enough was enough.
What ever you do keep safe and remember you don’t deserve this xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Moonflower, I’ve not been on for a while, no internet connection where I am, that’s the only reason. Nearly up to the limit with my network provider, so I’m thinking of upgrading to 5G. I so know how you are feeling, it’s relentless and if you dare to answer back, have an opinion, try to defend yourself, all it seems to do is antagonize the situation. Where or when in our relationships was it decided that he was god and in being so a perfect being, where did we become aleays at fault, useless, a way of stoppage. Had anyone mentioned the grey rock method to you. Since leaving, my oh is so contrite, not shouty, but all he’s doing at times is changing his tactics. Because of all the ladies on here I see it for what it is. It took me nearly a year to get to the stage I had to leave our ekse shut up, and live in misery. I chose to leave. It took me all that time to come to terms with my relationship being abusive, that he chooses to bed that way. It took all that time to prepare the everyday things, choosing out clutter, shredding paperwork, charity trips. Going to WA, getting my head around what I was doing but also not really thinking about it, my mantra in the last few weeks were, ‘don’t think, just do it’. It protected me. I’ve thought about US for over 2 decades, tried to fix us. One person cannot fix it, it takes 2.
There’s no right or wrong way to deal with this, to get away from it, just keep reading others posts, keep learning about the seriousness of it all, above all keep posting, no matter how trivial, insignificant you think it is, well help you see what he’s doing. This is YOUR journey, the kids WILL be collateral damage. He’s already emotionally blackmailing you into believing it’s your fault your daughter is being sick. NO that is all down to his behaviour, she doesn’t know how to be heard, her body is doing the talking for her😔. Keep reaching out sweetheart, once you see the door opening, leaving is just around the corner, at the moment I doubt you can even see the light at the end of the tunnel 💜
Take care my friend, this is the worst thing anyone has to go through, but it shows how strong we are because we stay, we take it, even though we’re screaming inside we can’t.
Love and strength
IWMB 💕💕

[Author]

Posts