Feel so sad and regretful

[Mellowyellow]

I feel so sad about marrying and within  it all (removed by moderator) falling apart. I regret it and so many people advised me not to, on here too. I should have listened, feel stupid. It’s making it hard to break away as I feel ridiculous for breaking up a marriage so soon. I don’t want to be divorced! But I do want freedom and not to be criticised or made to clean and told I can’t work and how wrong it is when we have a baby. Hes so aggressive and blames me for us not getting on when I’m always trying to build bridges. Today I got in trouble as I’ve been cuddling baby who is tired and wanted to sleep on me and so I’ve not done anything today! Instead he has had to clean and make lunch and wash up. I’m such a bad person cos he had to clean on the weekend when he could be sunbathing. I’ve also made him feel bad about money. Apparently I keep saying we have no money but yet i booked a holiday! Even though he actually kept going on about a holiday and the money has come from my savings. I’ve been offering to work and I’d love to work as I’m quite a career person…or was. And I want to contribute. But yet I’m not allowed? Im so confused. I can’t argue back as he seems to outwit me and always has a come back.
I keep also thinking perhaps all my relationships have always been wrong. I don’t understand as I had a great childhood with loving parents although my mum has a mental illness, which isn’t her fault of course. Perhaps that didn’t help? I keep asking how did I get here? I used to have lots of friends, be independent and enjoy life. Now I feel depressed and down and never have anything to say cos the life has been sucked out of me.
I want to leave just I’m ashamed to walk away. Why can’t I do it?
I always worry I’m a bad person as he keeps shouting at me for always being on my phone. I try and text friends and family to keep in touch. Is it bad? I am a bit addicted I guess. It’s like my lifeline to the outside world away from him.
Sorry just rambling xx

[Mellowyellow]

This made me laugh too – I’m in trouble as I’m speaking to my dad too much, as my mum is ill at the moment, and he’s worried I’m not concentrating on the baby. Yet I need to clean more and should be able to multi task and clean while watching the baby. That doesn’t make sense! He’s been pointing out how much dust there is everywhere. He just cleaned everywhere, a really deep clean and I was trying to help but was watching the baby who is very mobile now and it made me feel guilty, like I’m not good enough. I do try but maybe I don’t get hard enough. I just think if I leave I can have a bit of a messy house and be happy! I can breathe and see friends and do what I want but I an worried he will still have a hold over me or try to keep our baby or joint custody and that would break my heart.

[Ayanna]

You can get divorced earliest after on year of the marriage. Ask in the family court when the earliest date is to hand in the divorce petition.
Can you move to family or friends?
Have you thought of going into a refuge?

Do not feel ashamed. I too married my abuser although I had a strong feeling not to do it. It happens when we are brainwashed, in love, whatever.
Now make your way out. x*x

[KIP.]

You’re doing nothing wrong. He is an abuser and will use any excuse to have a go. You could be the most perfect wife ever. He will just move the goal posts. Find your local women’s aid. They saved my life. The abuse always gets worse❤️

[Falling Skys]

Regret nothing look it as a steep learning curve xx

On my wedding day before I got on the car to go to the church my farther said to me I didn’t have to do it. But I did. I felt like I would be letting everyone down. And of course I didn’t want to upset him.

Abusers are incapable of loving in a give and take way.

It’s all me me me with them, and never their fault.

I say they think it so alien to put way of thinking it’s hard to comprehend. You need to concentrate on you and your lovely baby.

FS xx

[Mellowyellow]

Thanks all. Yes I can go to my parent’s and have friend’s I could go to for a bit too. He’s just a friend round, acting all normal. It’s so hurtful that to everyone else they come across as a nice guy and you think no one will believe y and why me? Why is mean to me?
I’m reading Lundy bancroft’s book after recommendations from some of you. Is helping me get my head together. Felt very low yesterday and desperate. Kept having anxiety attacks as I felt trapped, married to someone who’s mistreating me. Even his brother doesn’t realise what he’s like but does know he’s moody and uptight. It’s so annoying that I can’t just leave. I keep thinking it’ll all work out 🙁 x*x

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