Feel so sad – saw him for the first time (removed by moderator)

[abcxyz]

… he says he still loves me, misses us, that he is heartbroken, that he can’t believe the way I left, that he is devastated, that he misses the children. It’s awful and I feel terrible. I too am heartbroken – at what might have been and cross that he made it impossible. So many emotions. Need to go back to my list of “why”s – which I need to work on tonight for an occupation order. Feel so bad seeing him so broken. His old self is there – the mean guy who shouts and swears and makes me feel stupid is gone (for now). (Detail removed by moderator). I am so pleased to not be there and not be with him, on the one hand – but just so terribly sad for everyone – and I feel like I am being made out to be the bad guy by everyone.

The youngest child didn’t want to speak to him, hug him – wouldn’t even high five him and didn’t want to talk to him later on the phone. I haven’t said anything bad about him – he just remembers the years of inconsistency and irrational behaviour which went before.

The eldest two were sad to say goodbye to him and were in tears.

So so horrible. We (removed by moderator)  which doesn’t help. Someone make the sadness go away please 🙂 xxxx

[Serenity]

Firstly, stop feeling guilty.

The fact he was (removed by moderator) and yet claiming undying love the next day proves what a weak character he is and that it’s true what they say about abusers: they feel
emotions towards others in a very shallow sense, and are more about power and securing a source who will give them attention. They also feel entitled to have whatever they choose. There’s no loyalty or commitment.

You/ we are beating ourselves up about someone who really doesn’t operate the same way as us, and can’t be trusted.

I think abusers are very good at crocodile tears and play-acting. If they are genuinely crying, it’s more for themselves than anyone else.

I know it would be great if we could wave a magic wand, make them nice and live happily with them, but we can’t, because there is too much negative, destructive stuff going on with them.

Continuing to be with him would have destroyed you, I am sure, and though this stage is very difficult, you will look back in a. Our of yearsand realise it needed doing x

[abcxyz]

Thank you. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head …. both with the power and security need and that the tears are for him … totally spot on. I guess the problem is that I’ve (we’ve) spent years making everything ok, and this time I know I can’t but something instinctive tells me that I should be making everything ok again. Only this time he chipped so much away that there is nothing more to give. I don’t hate him – I just want to live in our house with our children, and he see them in a way that doesn’t destroy us all.
Thank you … your words have really really helped (and the glass of wine I have just poured!!) x*x

[KIP.]

Going forward try to have as little contact as possible. With contact comes doubt, mind games, guilt. Feelings that you shouldn’t be feeling. He cares so much for you that he’s already lining up his next partner, if he hasn’t already. They are born liars. Please don’t believe a word he says. If you give him the slightest chance, he will destroy you. Keep your goal of an abuse free life at the fore front. Your kids will adjust. Try to put consistency in their visits if they are even interested. My ex played the victim so badly he turned my son against me. Don’t let him do that to you X

[WalkerInTheRain]

You feel guilty because you’re a normal, empathetic human being but you left because he was abusive and you left in the way you did to protect yours and your children’s safety.

His tears and sadness are part of the game plan and I could put money on him changing to a different approach in a few days time. He might make promises to change, beg you to try couples therapy, insist that he’s learnt his lesson, become very nice and try to ply you with gifts, get angry that ‘you’re not meeting him half way’, threaten to harm himself, accuse you of cheating, throw out put downs…

No contact, or very minimal contact really does help. You need time and space to gather yourself and your thoughts and if you give an inch, he’ll be there trying to intrude on your thoughts and distort your reality.

Trust yourself. You know your truth.
Xx

[abcxyz]

thank you all – as always .. you are my sanity x

[lover of no contact]

Seduction, devaluation, discard, then hoover, then repeated hoovers until either one of us dies, unless they find another victim. He is hovering you back in. He needs his drug (you) to get high (power over you that he sees he has). He gets a high from your emotions.

He can still abuse you if he has contact with you even if you are separated. Its so important for yours and your children’s recovery to go strict No Contact with him so he cannot affect your mind and emotions and the mind and emotions of your children. Contact with him strengthens him and weakens you.

I too was the mean mommmy. There is no way to avoid this as they will tell the events in such a way to their families, friends, mutual friends and the children with their slant on events. They will be the victim. They will lie and smear us and others will be influenced against us. Not all but most. I found this to be the case with my abuser mum, my abuser ex-husband and the bullies at work. However, I do believe the truth is more powerful than lies and I have to trust the truth will surface when the time is right. Meanwhile I just have to keep getting support for my hurtful feelings of being blanked/treated cooly by people who believe my abuser’s version of events.

[abcxyz]

I can see what you’re saying totally with no contact, he’s already threatening to take me to court for access, and he’s seen them a bit already! He’s meant to be moving out before having them to visit properly (that’s my request). How does it work? Can you make it work from a legal point of view? xx

[lilaclady]

You poor thing! And like someone else said on this you are an empathetic human and you are bound to feel this way. I can imagine the heartbreak you must be feeling right now. but stay strong! Don’t let him play these games with you. No contact is a great plan to give you some headspace in this. Hope you’re ok x*x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Apparently NC can work but not quite for me. I’m going grey rock instead.

He managed to get me to agree to amending the non mol so that he can call me 3 times a week to enquire as to our child’s welfare. Mistake as of course he takes the opportunity to try and start a row. The trick is just not to bite. Not to give him any fuel. I try and answer relevant questions then end the call.

We are also going to court to sort residency and contact.

[Author]

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