Feel so so down

[Booboobeedoo]

It’s been nearly (detail removed by Moderator) months since I ended it. I tried no contact but he found new ways. Now it’s been nearly (detail removed by Moderator) months and I’m finding it so hard. He also got a job where I work and has been there (detail removed by Moderator) months I don’t know whether it is a manipulating tactic or just a way to try see me. Im going over everything that happened, him blackmailing me and calling me names and saying I couldn’t see my family. I can’t forgive that surely? Have I over reacted? When he begged and wrote a letter and everything should I have given him a chance? Could he ever change? Would it ever go back to how it was… I love him still after everything but my heart can’t get around it. I just want to message him. But that’s ridiculous… What would it bring me? More I’m sorrys him begging me how much he loves me… Or opening up the same c**p. I’m just feeling so sad xxxxxxx

[Ribbon]

Hi
I know exactly how you feel hunni….it’s such a strange feeling. I’m going through the same thing. I keep going over old abusive messeges to keep reminding me of what he used to do and how he used to make me feel.
He is soooo nasty to me but he also can be soooo loving which makes me love him and want him back again. I miss him and it’s hard not to give in….I feel a sense of guilt to. Which I find difficult.
If you read up about ‘ trauma bonding’ it’s interesting as you may have some of that too.
Wishing you well….and hope that helps xxxx

[Serenity]

You weren’t over-reacting and you weren’t imagining it. The abuse is real.

Him getting a job where you are is an abusive tactic, meant to disturb you and to make you question your reality.

You think: ‘He wouldn’t have the audacity to get a job here if he really was guilty of abusing me: I must be imagining it.’

But you aren’t imagining it. His working there is a form of mental abuse, meant to unnerve you and question your own mind. It’s called cognitive dissonance: two parallel realities existing together at once: on the one hand, he’s acting all normal at work, like he is completely unaware of what he’s done, making you feel like you have gone mad; on the other level of reality ( in his abusive and controlling mind) he knows exactly what he’s doing and what effect his behaviour will have on you.

Or what he hopes it will have on you. Because little does he know, dearest Boo, that you are well clued-up on his controlling motives and know his game. Knowledge is power. Believe your gut: he is trying to carry on affecting you, but you have the choice to not show him that he is. Look up the Gray Rock method of dealing with abusers.

My ex tried somethings similar. After he had threatened me, he then texted to ask if he could come over and do his washing. Like the abuse had never happened. Like his washing was more important than my feelings or the reality of abuse.

I couldn’t work out if he really didn’t care two hoots about my feelings and rights and just wanted to use the house as a launderette, or whether he was trying to make me feel worthless. I think it was a bit of both.

I met a friend today who told me about a previous relationship she’d had, where her partner wouldn’t let her go out in the evening wearing make-up, and if she did, he’d follow her. In the end, she escaped, and he tried to get her back. Years later, he moved back to her area, and he had a child with another woman, and this child he had called the name that my friend had told him she wanted to call her future child. Now, some might say it was not intentional, but with a controlling person, everything is intentional or geared towards their own needs, and many mental abusers operate at the covert level of not being obvious, so you question yourself.

Not all abusers use obvious tactics.

You would never be able to be happy with a man who plays such mind games to make you so upset. Who tries to isolate you. A good person couldn’t bear to hurt you.

Remind yourself that you are precious and the only person who deserves your time and commitment is someone who couldn’t bear to hurt you. That is your yardstick, your measurement for a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

So sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. It sounds to me like he is trying to manipulate his way back into your life. A job where you work is an extreme way to go about it but it sounds like it is working. It must be very difficult for you. If you can resist, please do but I appreciate it must be so hard for you especially as you still love him. Try and remember how he made you feel at his worst and remind yourself that is what you would be going back to. Sending you hugs xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Booboo, I was in exactly the same position as this. I’m almost over the horrible doubt, obsessive over thinking and deep feelings of grief now. My mind had quietened and I’ve developed a more balanced view of the whole scenario. Lately I posted something about keeping in your mind exactly why the relationship ended. This is because after you split, this period is often even more stressful than when you were together, your thinking is extreme and your sadness so deep. I think my ex turned the knife during this time by completely and utterly discarding me, he knew this was the weapon that would hurt me the most. During the time after you have split, you are not thinking normally as you would do any other time (when your not in an abusive relationship). You are suffering from trauma bonding which is actually something to do with chemicals and your psyche linked into manipulation and abuse. I’ve been there Booboo, and now i’m though that. So if you try to consider how you feel now is not you, you are REACTING to your situation. I found it helpful to actually remind myself that yes during the splitting up phase I felt deep despair and lost true love, but i actually ended it with him as I did not like how he treated me, he was a total a** & it was the pits! I knew that I would never go back to him yet I had these uncomfortable feelings that he was some sort of super god that I had let slip away. I still feel now, when I’m rationally and calmly thinking, that I care that he will lead a positive life and not feel unhappy, i do feel that for him, I care for his well being. I expect that is a caring side that i have of my personality plus although to him i was probably just a meal ticket, i was in it sincerely. But I no longer have those extreme loss & sorrow feelings. One of the most helpful books that i have read about this, it explains in detail why you feel as you do and how this links into the abuse, its all to do with manipulation, mind games, power of the unavailable, intermittent reinforcement, doubt deliberately left by the abuser, its so deep & complex. The book that I really love right now is called N********t Free by Zari Ballard. Another one of my favorites is called 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships. The games and tricks these men play, keep us hooked in and screw with our thinking. XXXXXXXXXXXXX The last conversation that I had with my ex he said something to me which I did not understand. I racked and racked my brains to understand what he meant. It has only come to recently that what he said was a deliberate tactic to leave a doubt in my mind about us finishing. They are calculated. My view is, what is normal healthy behaviour, 2 people would sit down, talk, share what is going on for each and try and reach a compromise. This is all done in a respectful manner. He & I had nothing like that. His games right at the end exhausted me. It would have been so much better if he had said, i’m sorry I don’t think its working out. Or, I love you and I want to work this out. Instead, calculated mind games to keep me guessing. Yawn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Booboobeedoo]

Serenity, a little lost and healthy archive, you are all so incredibly helpful and reassuring! I hate having these days were I rethink every little detail and think about him constantly, I suppose this will subside in time..I hope!! I know my feelings aren’t a switch that I can flick off. As much as I hate him for purposefully hurting me and wanting such control, I miss his good aspects and believe it or not there were a lot.. It’s just he outweighed them all with his nastiness and blackmail. Thank you ladies once again. It’s such a comfort to write on here xxxxxxxx

[Booboobeedoo]

Ribbon thank you for your lovely message aswell xxxxx

[Author]

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