Feel so trapped

[Starmoon]

This pregnancy was what I wanted but suddenly I feel so trapped. I feel like he did this deliberately so I can’t move on.. whilst he is out drinking and free- I’m at home feeling sick, ill and tired with two other children to look after… for the first time I’ve wondered if I can go threw with this pregnancy. I feel ashamed to be saying it and know I’ll be judged but just don’t know who to turn to. I don’t think I could go threw with doing anything but I feel so much like my mental state is suffering. If I’m struggling now, how will I cope when there is three children. I really feel like he has done this deliberately… knowing I wanted another baby- but with a supportive partner. Not like this. This seals my fate… I can’t move on, have a life of my own ever again. I’ll always just be a mum and alone. Please don’t judge me- I know how some people are desperate to have children and my children are my whole world but I had hoped my life would be so much different

[KIP.]

Noone on this site will judge you. We have all had to do some very difficult things to survive. Its your life and nobodys business but your own. Are you receiving councelling? Even as an older finanically independent single woman i was terrified initially of being ‘left on the shelf’. The reality is that we can be perfectly happy and fulfilled without a man in our life. In fact, the longer i am single, the more independent and determined i am not to settle for second best. Are you getting help? Family, friends, single parent groups, social service, your GP. There is lots of help out there if you can manage to find it. Your local womens aid can be very supportive. Raising three young children alone is a very daunting thought for most women but you are stronger than you think. If your pregnancy is too far gone for a termination, you can always consider adoption. Through all of this you need to prioritize your own mental and physical health. If you are happy and healthy then so are your children. Talk to the professionals x maybe start witn your GP?

[Twisted Sister]

no judgement here, just very sad to hear your level of exhaustion and overwhelm with it all. This changes dramatically with good support you can get out no matter what your situation, and with good support you can feel positive about your pregnancy or in a better place to decide what is best for you and your other children at this point. it is in your hands to do this if you can get the support you so desperately sound like needing.

Do call the helpline as soon as you safely get a chance they are always there to offer support and completely non-judgemental advice, helping you to do whatever it is you want to be well and safe, all of you.

its not helpful right now feeling so sick on top of everything else, ask around for remedies to settle the sickness, a lot of it could be due to the stress you are under too. you need rest as much as possible.

please know there are many here to support and out there too, although it isn’t always easy to get the right help by any means, but it is so worth looking to get it right for you.

you might not feel strong right now, but you are actually being strong. It takes much strength to keep going every day and protect your children in an abusive situation.

warmest wishes ks x

[Twisted Sister]

motion sickness wrist bands, ginger/tea is amazing, search on internet for safe morning sickness remedies.

[Starmoon]

Thank you. I just feel so alone. I could never ever adopt. If this baby was here rite now, I’d be ok… but it’s the fear of losing myself threw this pregnancy like I did in my last one. We were in contact last time but the relationship was awful. I so desperately wanted him to be supportive, I had a brake down… the lowest I’ve ever been. I had to relearn how to be me. I begged him to come back thinking it was all my fault. I became an utter shell during that time, too scared to speak. Looking back I realize my shutting down was a way to protect myself as I couldn’t cope with any more arguments and blame. I remember being scared to tell my own brother a photo of my baby because my ex wanted everyone to be told she was born before we sent photos. I was so scared that I didn’t tell friends I’d had her in case he was annoyed. And then he would say that my irrational fear was what caused problems for us anyway. I know that ultimately life would’ve been easier back then without him but I don’t know how to do this alone either. I don’t have many friends, I’m not close to my brother and there isn’t any single mum groups in the erea or anywhere that I could find within a traveling distance. I trawled the internet for them when I was pregnant last time. I think I feel worse because my parents are away for two weeks and they are my only support network x

[Twisted Sister]

I meant to say to keep posting too, so you can get noticed by as many on here as possible to get you thro this two week period whilst you are without your parents supports. You will get others, at your own pace, its his fault that you ended up this way too scared to do anything and clearly you are isolated too.

would you consider going into refuge? you would still be able to meet with your parents and maintain contact with them but he would have no idea where you are? it just might give you the valuable support you need to regroup yourself for a different pregnancy this time, and not suffer a repeat of the last one. YOu know all the signs now, you have had your eyes opened and they will not close to it. It doesn’t matter what he said about your actions, focus on what you think and what supportive people say.

do call the helpline as soon as you have a safe opportunity to. Keep strong and keep posting..
warmest wishes ks xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Starmoon,

Sending you a big hug. It sounds like you are experiencing lots of very understandable worries and anxieties at the moment. Definitely ring the helpline like the others have said and seek out the support you need. Do you have a local domestic abuse service that could help you too? What about a midwife and your gp? Talk to everyone you feel comfortable around and ask for support.

It sounds like you are imagining the future in the worst case scenario (I do this all the time too) but there is nothing to say that you won’t cope, or that you’ll be alone forever. Lots of women have children with abusers and then move onto lead happy healthy lives, with or without new partners and they make great mums. I think seek out someone you can talk to about the baby to discuss options and what you really want to do in your heart, don’t make any quick decisions based on anxiety or fears or what youe ex is doing etc.

It sounds like you mostly need to get away from him to give you a good chance of a happy life because he sounds like he is making everything much more difficult.

[Starmoon]

Thank you again ladies. I am away from him now, it’s been a number of weeks no contact. I don’t need to go into a refuge as I thankfully have my own home.. I at least have my independence in that sense. I’m allot more isolated than I was… I have a few friends that are around so I’m not entirely alone but even that I’m worried about… should I have more? How do I create a support network. I’ve called the helpline in the past and I may do again… But the only support locally is the freedom program… (if it still runs- I’m not sure If it does). I don’t think this will be much use at the moment but I do intend to do it eventually. I was so sure initially that I was going ahead with this pregnancy… but I just can’t imagine being able to move on with my life and all I keep thinking about is how much more isolated I will feel. I dread mother and baby groups and have previously avoided them like the plague because I’ve always felt they all knew each other and also all had loving partners so why would they need to befriend me. Also the things going threw my head are that he was rite all along… that I should’ve just agreed that having this baby was a bad idea. I feel like it is all my fault. I didn’t intentionally get pregnant without his knowledge… he’d stopped using contraception and even though he had said that he’d changed his mind and it was the wrong time to have more children…. the deed had already been done. Surely he knew what was likely to happen… I couldn’t stop it happening by that stage… and then when I though I mite be pregnant- he said we’d get threw it. But when I confirmed I was- he was so angry and un supportive. I even said to him that he should leave and calm down before he said things he’d regret. But once he was shouting the odds at me- I couldn’t help but defend them?! I’m sorry for rambling… I just don’t know what to think… ultimately we both now have doubts over his pregnancy so does that mean he was rite all along? But then I think that if he was here… I wouldn’t be doubting it? I’m so confused 😢

[Twisted Sister]

how are you Starmoon?

I am hoping that things might be settling down a bit after the heightened tensions of anxiety around him all the time?

that you realise life is quieter and calmer without him and have time for yourself to grieve the loss of what you’d so hoped for that could never be with him and so move into a new time of control of your own life.

I do hope you have found some peace with your pregnancy decisions whatever they may be, and that you may have had chance to go to something social to meet with others?

I think you wouldn’t be doubting things if he were there possibly as he would be telling you how things will be, but that doesn’t allow you the space you have now to go through the processing of these feelings for yourself so that you finally know for yourself and not putting him ahead of yourself.

I hope you are getting enough support, and do keep posting all you need.

warmest wishes

ks xx

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